Published on 12, July, 2020
I can feel myself building up to a meltdown but I am struggling to find a way to ask for help or resolve the situations I am facing.
Due to unforseen circumstances I am now having to live with my partner at his house, which was fine to start with and we practicality live together anyway just we spend time at each other's houses usually. However since living at my partners house I have supressed my OCDs and routines as I appreciate it is his house so I can't dictate how things are managed etc. but I was finding this difficult so hinted at a few things such as how the housework is managed and how we can prep food better (bulk cooking) so I can cope with things better. This fell on deaf ears so I started to take matters into my own hands and started to do the housework as I normally would at home, but due to us being out of sync with how we do things, this was both exhausting and pointless so I gave it up as a bad job.
It's now reached a point where I can no longer cope with it and my anxiety is starting to soar. I can't relax when I need to, I can't listen to the music I want, I can't binge watch programmes when I just need to let my brain drift off for a while. I feel like whatever I need to do, it is a burden for my partner. He hasn't said this outright but I just get the feeling I am in the way and to be honest I do feel like an intruder. We haven't fallen out or said any unkind words to each other but I can feel myself getting snappy and short tempered so this is usually a bad sign.
On top of this I am getting burnt out and I am struggling with my job. There has been a lot of change and workloads have increased but to make things worse I have been criticised for not being socialable and networking better with my colleagues. To top it off, it now seems like everyone wants regular meetings with me or take me out to meet customers, when all I want is to be left alone to just take a bloody breather.
It feels like everyone is encroaching on me and I don't know how to manage it without me tipping over the edge and going into self-destruct mode.
I need some time out from everyone but everyone seems to be coming at me at full volume. I also find asking for help difficult but that when I do ask for help, it is either ignored or I am told to manage things better. I feel like I can't win.
Hi Starbuck,
I feel for you and wish I could offer some constructive advice. I've only cohabited twice in my adult life, and both times I struggled because of differences in the way we lived. My ex-wife, who I was with for almost five years, was more understanding - but we still fell out over stuff like cleaning, food preparation, etc. Even stuff as silly as the way we prepared salads. I would, for instance, prepare a capsicum by slicing it in half, discarding the seeds and stalk, and using the rest. She would just take slices off, like an apple - then throw the rest away, wasting sometimes half of it. It seems tiny. Miniscule. Petty. But if I retrieved stuff from the bin because it wasn't completely used, she'd get upset and there'd be arguments. With my last partner, it was 18 months of hell. Everything had to be done on her terms - even though it was my flat, and I paid the rent! She wouldn't do chores, yet she was untidy and careless. She moved all of my furniture out of the living room and replaced it with hers. Same with the pictures on the walls. She left the bathroom a mess. She refused to see reason on anything. I did everything. She would even complain if I didn't want to watch a film when she wanted to, or have a take-away when she wanted one. I was simply glad when she was gone. Cohabitation requires a lot of understanding and compromises, and both sides have to accept that and accommodate it. I'll never do it again.
Do they know about your condition at work? Are they open to discussing adjustments?
Sorry. I'm not much help, I know. But I know how it is.
People just don't seem to understand. It's why I now minimise contact with them as much as possible.
I hope you can find a way forwards through this. Hang in there.
Keep talking.
Martian Tom said:I would, for instance, prepare a capsicum by slicing it in half, discarding the seeds and stalk, and using the rest. She would just take slices off, like an apple - then throw the rest away, wasting sometimes half of it.
That's just ridiculous! Why on earth would you throw good food away? This is a real sore point with me and I always do everything to minimise food waste. My partner has got better over time on this, but he does have a habit of putting things in the fridge and then forgetting they are there, despite numerous reminders from me - it always has to be food that I can't eat as well or else I would just use it up myself.
Your last partner sounds like a total nightmare and incredibly selfish and controlling. I think you did the right thing to break away.
I am lucky in that my partner isn't like that - he is a good man and helps me loads, which is why it bothers me that I get so wound up about these things.