Anxiety about imminent holiday

Our cats, four, are all variations on black and white, one of whom is a long hair. All are rescues, two through Cats Protection, two informally from people we knew who couldn’t continue to care for them. We love them all incredibly 

Thanks Pink C. I completely understand that checking business, Im terrible. Questions are good, if you have patience from your carer, which it sounds like you do 

Morning Dormouse

It made me feel incredibly validated reading your message this morning, thank you ever so much. Ive always tried my best to do my best, and crucially in friendships and relationships, but heck I doubt myself and at times do myself great harm. 

Last night when H (wife) came home she filled me in on her day then listened calmly to my hysteria about solicitors and our estate agent. Her calm listening to these meltdowns are the most powerful expression of love I have experienced, other than, on a par, my late mum. 

H doesn’t make many suggestions when Im so chaotic and extreme but does occasionally drop in a helpful idea. And last night’s idea was that I should try a certain otc med I keep in reserve which has me asleep in under five minutes 

And sleep is for me the most healing this, it resets me, and I woke this morning to your kind message and one of my cats on the bed purring away. 

We met late in life at a cat rescue centre where we were both volunteering and she, despite her own trauma is astonishing in her care for me. 

Very best wishes 

Alice xxx

I try to remember what it felt like while I was away last time and the good memories I have. You need new experiences else life becomes quite flat. But you are constantly torn between wanting newness but being pulled back to the familiar.

You tend to regret the things you didn't do, not the things you did. So try to do things when you can.

Nonetheless, it is hard to overcome the nausea, the lack of sleep, the checking, the planning, the worries, etc. but overplanning also diminishes things. Some of the best times are spontaneous.

I am fortunate to have some money, so I rely on the idea that whatever happens I can just buy what I need. Thus helps a bit.

But the day before is just hard. I don't think there is a solution. I kind of wish I could get excited and look forward to things properly.

I really do "get this".

Each part of it, all of it; is "a lot".

I respect how clear your goal is - you are acting in support of your wife's need for next week's holiday.

I was affected by your describing missing your library.  You doubtless know all the traveling / work around options ... however, I understand the melancholy wrench; of time away from your personal library.  On a brighter note: these days, I always pack an (empty) zipped waterproof wallet / book sleeve / ziplock freezer bag, large enough to accommodate a new book ...just in case; a new / old book were to leap into my ownership during time away from home!

I love moths

This sounds super stressful - I’m sorry. My dad died recently and I’m dealing with his house too, and also we are planning to sell our own house too and move house/job etc. we’ve found dealing with solicitors really stressful, and the fees and the way they mount up are genuinely alarming. It won’t last forever though - this is what I try to remind myself. Good luck and I hope you find some measure of relaxation on your holiday. 

I can relate to this, and my son experiences this a lot too (even more than me). It is a lot to cope with in all sorts of ways. I try and reassure myself and my son that in virtually every case we are fine once we’re there (in fact even as quickly as in the car on the journey there when we’ll often say to each other:  “I’m really glad we’ve done this now!)  - and we generally really enjoy the actual holiday. But the night before we leave we almost always feel like we wish weren’t going! I think that if we don’t push through the initial anxiety about these things then it just gets harder and harder and we will end up missing out on lots of really wonderful experiences. 

Some people love travelling and just don't get it that others of us don't, being told that it will all be ok, is patronising and infantilising, you can do everything you can to make plans, but that dosent' mean that there are things you can't control, like the weather, transport breaking down. I think the worst question anyone has ever asked me is 'what would it be like if it all went well?', they don't like my answer, of 'a bl00dy big relief'.

Has your house sold yet? If not then maybe think about changing agents?

Yes that sounds really good. Having stuff on keeps the time rolling by, and the cats about you are like little furry balls of reality.  

Just holding on is all you need to do sometimes. Put everything else aside, that is not your problem for the moment, that isn't anything you need to worry about.

The music is good. I went to hear a ladies accordian orchestra last weekend, and the music ebbing and swelling was so moving. Just feeling the music is truely wonderful. 

What colour are your cats? They can have such different coloured eyes too. They hold mystery in their eyes, and can hold you with a look.

Thank you again Cinnabar, Im trying the things Ive learnt to keep myself safe. Ive one of my cats close, Im in bed she on top, I have a Brahms string quartet quietly in background, doing best to be mindful and hold on until later. xxxx 

Please do, have you called an ambulance if there is a possibility of too much medication? It is good to ring both, even if you speak to them often, that's what they are there for.

Animals seem to know when you need help.

It is quite possible an impasse has been reached which will end the sale only a few steps from exchange of contracts. Im incandescent with my solicitor for advising me of the situation as her last task on a Friday evening before a bank holiday before my holiday in Wales. Im on my own, was checking the overdose potential of the meds I take but Ive not enough for certainty. Got to about to ring Samaritans but theres no point, nothing thry can di, I know as Ive been a regular customer and also on their lived experience consultation panel. 
 
As it happens one of my cats has sat on me, she is. So lovely and looks into my eyes, I need to hang on, am on my own atm

Thank you Alice, it's a cinnabar moth (they look very similar to a burnet moth which is also red and black). Moths can be as colourful as butterflies, and butterflies can be brown (though I do like the brown ones too, they are like hedgerow secrets).

People like butterflies but tend to not like moths, which is a shame as there are so many lovely species with wonderful poetic names. I have a t-shirt with moths on I really like.

I tend to get anxious as well

I check things about three times and my dad has got used to my many questions

I know when I get to the location and have settled in I enjoy the holiday (until the time comes to leave then I'm triple checking and asking nanny questions again!)

Thanks B. I just want to stay here and hide with my books, cats and classical music. My mental health has always been fragile. And the more I understand about myself the worse it gets. Ive made four unsuccessful suicide attempts. Im diagnosed with c-ptsd as well and combined with ASC the outcomes are catastrophic. I get in the cyclic non-compute in my head which takes over, blanks out logic and reasoning. 

there is no help out there whatsoever. Samaritans just listen but don’t actually do anything, for the allotted 60 minutes then shut down thr converstion. Nhs mental health services gave repeated ly rejected me for trauma focused therapy and emdr as they consider me “too complex and too high risk” Ive tried finding a suitable psychotherapist privately but thats not worked either 

Thanks Lonehare, much appreciated. 

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Thanks Cinnabar. I lovely your avatar, is it a moth or butterfly? Im clueless about nature

Thanks Roy. I feel with house sale that my estate agent is just working to her own agenda despite the fact that Im the paying customer. My solicitor keeps changing the story of what is/has happeing/happened, and again Im paying for her incompetence. I wouldn’t have put it on the market at all except for the punitive taxation on second homes, my mum effectively gave me the house, Im forced to sell and its made my unresolved gruef so much worse 

Thanks CW. Today is going badly, as I feared it would. Of course people who don’t have my life experiences bang on telling me it will all be ok, thats its not black (bad) or white (good), that Im just catastrophising. .  But my life has taught me that 90% of the time the darkness wins. I can’t explain as losing touch with reality through dissociation, but thanks ever so for replying