Family making fun

Thank you for your response, yes I agree with you.

I have a similar experience with my mother. She has always tried to "mould" me into the image of her perfect son, even though I am anything but a good fit for that mould. It's why I never feel like I can talk to her about matters such as my genderfluidity or opinions; she just will not accept them. "Agree to disagree" is all she'll say, even on matters where she is provably wrong.

Living with both my parents is absolutely maddenning. They are the stereotypical Baby Boomers, and nothing I say can convince them to look at the world outside their extremely blinkered views or to understand why I am the way I am.

I guess it's the old adage that you can choose your friends,  but not your family. 

I'm happy with my family as it is today. It starts with me and my wife and encompasses our kids their partners and their kids and even the wife's mother and sister. 

I must be a very rare exception as someone who gets on better with their mother-in-law than they do their own mother...

Still that's life...

This is the same situation I dealt with regarding my Mother that she had a strong opinion on autism that did not match reality and nothing would change her mind. Once I realized this and walked away, my problems ceased. 

I often thought about going ‘no contact’ with my parents too. It’s a difficult decision but it’s could to know the option is there if needed (and if practically possible). No one has the right to verbally, emotionally or physically abuse you - family or not. It’s important to always remember that. In my experience my parents were never going to change - their behaviour was deeply ingrained. My mum always had to be right - and my dad always backed her up. I think there was a very unhealthy hierarchy in my family and as the most quiet and vulnerable girl I was always at the bottom. I was the scapegoat - and ultimately they would always maintain that hierarchy because it made them feel better about themselves. The key thing when you’re in this position is to do your research and understand the psychology- that will help you to know how to handle toxic people. Understanding it better helped me to find peace with it - but it’s taken me decades to get to this point. 

That sounds awful - I’m so sorry. A family should be a loving and supportive environment where people can express their thoughts and feelings without judgement- it’s simply wrong that your mother is treating you like this. It’s possible that due to her upbringing she knows no better - but that’s not an excuse. I had a narcissistic mother and a dad who totally enabled her narcissistic behaviour - and I was ‘bottom of the pile’ in our household as my mother favoured my brother to me by a mile. I wasn’t shown respect and my feelings and needs were often belittled and seen as not important. So I can relate a bit to your situation. I’m not sure how old you are - or if you still live with your mum? It’s very difficult if you still live with her as there is a power imbalance and it’s hard to get away.

Fundamentally it’s an issue of you attempting to set boundaries. Also try to keep in mind that your mother has a dysfunctional mindset and most likely doesn’t have the capacity to mother you in a way that is appropriate and loving. She has ‘a problem’ - a lack of understanding and wisdom, and the ability to show love and be kind. She has deficits that mean she is failing you. So try to keep this in mind: she has got something wrong with HER - try not to absorb her view - try and maintain a sort of mental ‘shield’ to her toxic behaviour and attitude. If she’s unpleasant to you don’t engage - instead try to remove yourself from the situation if you can (either physically or emotionally - preferably both!).

Some of us are unlucky enough to be born into families with a lot of toxicity. It’s often passed on from generation to generation. You can break the cycle - the fact that you’re talking about this on here shows you have the awareness to know that it’s wrong, and that you deserve better. Your opinions matter just as much as hers - don’t ever lose sight of that. I found reading about toxic parents and narcissistic parents very helpful - there a lot of stuff about this online so I would do a bit of research and learn more about it - the more we understand it the better we can be at not absorbing the toxic messaging that you are getting from your mother. You can rise above this and have more control and emotional distance from her by having a better understanding of why she behaves in this way. 
Good luck - I know this is hard. It wasn’t until I was over 40 that I began to get a handle on my own parents weird behaviour and there horrible attitude to me. It’s never too late though. Now - over time - I’ve found peace about my relationship with my parents. They were incapable of being truly loving a supportive parents - they had their own psychological issues that prevented them from being better, and doing better. Ultimately now I realise that they missed out - because they could have had a happy loving relationship with their daughter - but they squandered that opportunity, I learnt what NOT to do as a parent from them - and when I had my own children I was determined to give them all the love and respect in the world - and I loved that they had their own opinions - I felt that was wonderful to see. I love hearing their opinions and having interesting conversations with them - I learn a lot from them and feel so blessed to see them develop their own personalities and opinions. My own parents lost out in not being able to enjoy that - so ultimately I feel quite sorry for them. 
Know that you are not alone. A lot of people struggle in this way - but it is possible to ‘escape’ it - with research and consistent effort. I won’t lie though - I do live with some emotional scars from their parenting of me - but I also feel their are silver linings - it gave me a lot of empathy for people who experience things like cruelty or bullying, and I also thing it made me a better parent to realise how damaging an unkind word can be to a child. I broke the cycle and I feel very proud of that. I wish you well - don’t let her crush your spirit. 

Oh my god, I can't believe she actually kidnapped your daughter. That must have been so frightening, complete cut off is entirely the appropriate response, especially when they don't accept that as wrong. 

I hope you are a lot happier for it anyway. It reminds me of a scary account I read ages ago on a local mums forum, saying their mother-in-law was trying to teach her grand kids to call her mummy instead. Everyone said cutting her off was the only option!

My mom diagnosed her own husband with borderline (in my opinion just a malignant narcissist, but I didn't tell her that) malignant definitely and strong narcissistic traits. And then in the further conversation it turned out she does not know, that borderline and bipolar are two different conditions. She says, I can't be autistic,  because autistic people are those who slam doors or bang their heads all the time and are genius at math. How does it make sense I don't know. This is her understanding if autism, and it's 100% correct (because she knows it). And I'm nothing like this, I'm nit a math genius and I'm not slamming doors for hours or banging my head. And there is no power which would convince her otherwise.

I have had a similar experience with my Mother. If I spoke up, I was shouted down, always told she knew best when in fact she lacked understanding or knowledge. I gave up trying to deal with her some years back and it has been the best thing I have done. I do wish I had done this decades ago. You do not have to put up up with such treatment. I have so much more confidence and go traveling now which would have been very hard for me in the past due to the toxic relationship.       

I had a controlling mother too.

We always had a difficult relationship due to me never really being a hugger and having issues with closeness and touch. It was an awkward relationship but workable.

I left home at 16 and joined the military. I stayed there for 5 years. During that period our opinions and views diverged significantly.  When I left the military and returned home after 5 years our relationship deteriorated significantly. Due to me disagreeing with her views on things. She wanted to get me sectioned. 

I left home a year or so later to go to university. Which eased tensions a little. I met my wife around this time and she's been supportive of me. I built a home, career and family with her help.

My mother became ever more interfering and controlling and thought that she should be responsible for our kids. To the extent that she took my youngest daughter out of school without our permission and when i went to get her I was denied access to my daughter. My partner and I had to get the police involved to get our daughter back. 

They have never acknowledged any fault for that and blamed me for getting the police onto them. I have never been able to forgive her for that or the rest of my family for taking her side. I'm now completely estranged with my family and have been for around 17 years. 

I actually felt relieved when I cut contact and I have never had any regrets. There has never been any attempt to reconcile from their end and I can't unless they acknowledge they were wrong and apologise. 

I had hoped that despite my relationship with my mother that we would have maintained a  relationship for the benefit of my kids, but it just wasn't doable. 

I hope that my experience might help you and I hope that you manage to work things out with your family and that it doesn't go as badly as my experience went.

Yup very familiar. It is almost like they can't be wrong.

The thing that I'm discovering is that I am so much more than my family had me believe I was.

I have traveled on my own recently to N Ireland on a plane and then hired a car. When I got back I was so proud of myself, but when I visited my mum she told me I was selfish. It's like she drained the last bit of feel good I had left. 

All I wanted was for her to see me and be proud of me. I guess it's the same with your mum she doesn't see you and what you're going through and that hurts.

I get angry and frustrated sometimes about how things are but it has nowhere to go. My mum is never going to change. Now I look after my own sanity and only have phone contact occasionally.

I feel your pain.

Keep reaching out!!

Have a good day today Alien0n3arth 

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It’s difficult with family members because it’s very hard to distance yourself from them. I am very lucky to have my parents so I realise that must be tough for you. 
I suppose it could be a control thing and don’t actually know they are doing it but it’s sad that it is making you feel the way you describe.

I have two people in my life that heavily criticise me, pull me up on my choice of words and mould my opinions. I don’t like conflict or confrontation so usually I let them have their victory. 

My therapists advice to me is I need some boundaries in place but as you mention it’s hard to process things quickly enough to respond in the right way. 

Maybe you could make notes of responses to the common interactions that leave you feeling this way so your ready to respond? 

Someone in the family was extremely rude to me once in a completely unprovoked drunken attack. They told me everything I wasn’t and what I would never be, my partner was in that room as well and offered little support. I spent 2-3 weeks going over that night until I picked up the phone and told that person they will never speak to me in that way again. It is quite amusing how that person still brings up me making that call 11 years later and tells me how I misinterpreted the comments.

Some people just can’t be wrong even if they are wrong. 

Thank you, I can see our stories here quite similar.  I'm sorry you have such problems with your mom too.

I think my mom is pretty narcissistic too,  she cares so much about how others see her, she took a role of an angel, who helps and comforts everyone around, but she was never for me. I hear her "but you are fine, stop exaggerating" and it's very invalidating. Then I hear her monologues about someone else who has this or that bad situation and I should be happy that I don't have it. The thing is: her opinion or her state of knowledge = absolute truth.

This sounds very much like my relationship with my mum.

I would get lost when my mum was telling me something and I'd have to ask her to clarify things, then she would say "are you thick". She would say I was gormless. Having an opinion that wasn't hers didn't work either. It's sad but I've come to the realization that she has strong narcissistic tendencies. 

Its tough, I thought this was acceptable/normal behavior. I've had my eyes opened through therapy. 

I have tried to push back and give my own opinion on things but it causes arguments. I have also tried to stand up to the hurtful things mum says to me but she just says I'm too sensitive.

I have had to reduce my contact, which has been difficult, but I'm getting better because I'm not dealing with the emotional upset and the put downs.

You're family should love and support you, not tear you down and make you feel less than.

Only you know how much you are getting from your family. If the bad outweighs the good it might be worth having a short time out away from them (in some form) It may help to tell them why you need a break too. 

I wish you well and hopefully you're family will start to hear you.

That is so sad, it's hard enough as it is without the extra stress. 

It doesn't sound like you have many options, so what about concentrating on something to make you feel better during? Like having something in your pocket you could hold when it's getting stressful that they can't see? 

Also just repeating in your head, 'i don't agree', rather than saying it out loud, so you know what you think but without having to deal with your family.

Alien0n3arth said:

I think it's related to her ego. I kind of have an answer prepared, 

I do agree that it's related to ego. Some people just seem to be unable to deal with the thought that they might be wrong - avoiding owning up to something also avoids feeling guilt. 

Having answers prepared is a good idea. Also remember that you are the strong one, we have to make ourselves strong to deal with being misunderstood and mocked by others.

I understand why you don't want to cut contact and I wish you all the best.

They would get angry and mock me even more. I was already mocked by my sister and her friends for wearing sunglasses in a shopping centre,  it was long time ago. 

Could you try wear earbuds when you talk to her? (If you can stand them). Just to muffle it all a bit and make it more bearable? 

Thank you, I find your answer helpful. I will not break the contact with my family fir two reasons - I have really only very few people in my life, second and very important- my daughter loves her granny and she would miss her, my mom would miss my daughter too, I don't want to involve my child in all this, third reason - it's not that we are really dependent on my mom, but she helps. She used to neglect me a lot in my youth and it left some trace on me generally,  but there were some events that maybe made her rethink a bit.

I'm not sure if and how much she is aware of being controlling, I think it's related to her ego. I kind of have an answer prepared,  if she starts talking about my mental health again. I would remind her, that she neglected me and that's why she is not eligible for any medical information from me. I feel that we gonna have such a conversation in tge future and I wanna be prepared for the moment. 

Don't be sorry for the post, I understand how you feel. It's horrid to feel that you can't say what you think, or you have to agree with everything just to keep the peace and not be seen as "difficult" .

I spent over 30 years in a similar situation with my mother. Then I went through a very bad period in my life and got upset during a phone conversation and said something which upset her, and she put the phone down. We never spoke to each other afterwards. I had a period of grieving and then once I got over that my life became easier and happier.

This may not be what you want to do, but I'm afraid I don't know how to handle it any other way - when someone is overbearing and controlling, I don't know any way to convince them that they're not always right. Although perhaps if you said that you don't want to see her any more she might change, I don't know. And I know that it would be really difficult for you to do. Perhaps write her a letter?

There are some people who will judge others for not having contact with a parent, but it's my belief that we're not always born into our true family, sometimes we have to find them. I hope that someone here will be able to give you some helpful advice, and that you feel supported by your "family" in this community.