Broken or different

Yes, I have one of those. This week is going to be a little intense as it's the first treatment week. Tuesday is actually the big day so we'll see what that brings. I have my own psychotherapist assigned to me so I should be getting one to one care, which should be fun!

Onwards and upwards etc

Set up a clinical study small backpack of (your version of) Autism-self stuff: water, snack, baseball cap, sunglasses, fidget item, doodle pad and pens, analgesic known safe to you, handheld rechargeable fan, a folding sit mat for a break outdoors, a book, ANC Headphones and music tracks - whatever it takes - and do use them.

You know I find the small things cheer me up like putting in my Taylor swift 13 temp hand tattoos or watching miss Americana or even just having a cup of tea in n one of my favourite mugs(yes something job Tay Tay related can cheer me up although one of said mugs is my swif tea mug hehe)

Thank you to everyone who reached out with words of wisdom and kindness.

Things just seem to spiral at times and being a person that has a brain that never takes a minute, it can be overwhelming from time to time.

Anyway, thanks again and keep up the good work.

Hergé x

The whole day was 7 and a half hours, that was just the psychology bit, I had the physical bit to do as well and my blood pressure wasn't playing ball.

I'm really not good at self advocating, I tend to fall back and us humour as a defence mechanism, I'm a funny laid back guy (who's dying inside and full of self doubt and criticism).

They were nice people and did ask if I needed a break but I was so desperate to be accepted I just kept on going, this could be said about my life in general.

I had a period of burnout (although at the time I didn't know it) around ten years ago, my wife was seriously unwell and it pushed me over the edge 

 My wife is now fine but I don't think I fully recovered. I just keep going as I don't know what else to do.

I've decided that I'm going to take up walking/hiking, I was out yesterday having a wander with my headphones on and it wasn't a terrible experience.

As a late diagnosed person I probably have a few well buried emotional issues that hadn't seen the light of day for some time. 

I'm much more honest with myself but processing them is an ongoing issue.

I have a fairly stunted emotional range that doesn't seem to extend upwards beyond "flat", I think my alexithymia has a lot to answer for, I've not been able to identify being happy for so long, I've started to doubt it ever existed.

It's like there's a space one the emotional dial where it should be but it's just not there. If the needle reaches that part of the dial, I feel like I'm going to burst into tears, I don't feel happy just tearful and it sucks (frankly).

I've been working with a psychologist for a while and it's helping to a degree to unpack stuff but it seems unending, it's like the fluffy behind an old sofa cushion, when is it debris or when are you pulling out the stuffing.

I'll probably be fine, I've lived with this for as long as I can remember, it's just particularly trying at the moment.

"Fake it until you make it" was unexpectedly the opening slide of a course I once attended ...sorry, but nope - that is not a tactic which suits me.  It was as much as I could do not to exit right then at the first slide.

I have 2 prior experiences of CBT ...when I crashed and burned (as I didn't know at that stage that I am Autistic).  The trauma from archive kept being overshadowed by the trauma of the NT-style CBT experience.  I kept getting the vibe I was being prompted to tick boxes like: anxiety / depression / suicidal ideation - when those things didn't seem to match my reality or my experience of it.

My "doing my very best in the environment" resting in battle face can prompt an unsolicited "Cheer up love, it might never happen" remark from some bloke in a supermarket.  (I wasn't miserable before the remark ... that just changed ... thanks a lot!).

For me, A welcoming light at the end of the tunnel is currently centred around learning more about Autistic burnout and trying and reviewing / refining what recovery and ongoing maintenance techniques might suit me as an Autistic person.

Any time pushing progress incurs a derailment / setback - the post mortem common denominator usually seems to include ...I forget my Autism accommodations and had the throttle too far open.  (Rest, slow it down, feel "now", regroup, gather energy and resources, step forward to try again in a more regulated manner).  I have to keep reminding myself it isn't a competition - continuing progress is the reward (not some mythical instant perfection).

I might be: stressed / exhausted / lacking motivation / morose / needing more solo time / unenthusiastic about pastimes and intense interests / find emotions are more hair-triggered than at other times / fed up / frustrated / loding my executive function performance levels - but each of those things it may take me several days to realise are in play - and none of them overlay neatly (or at all) onto anyone's wretched "wellbeing" snapshot questionnaires.  (Try asking me in 3 days time when I have canvassed my systems and started to collate some of the responses).

Hergé said:

I was interrogated by a psychologist for 3 hours

The words "Autism augmentation strategies" / reasonable adjustments are flashing like a neon sign pulsing between two hi-viz colours.

I would experience a 3 hours session for an Autistic person as unreasonable.

I have been reading the bok by Steph Jones: "The Autistic Survival Guide To Therapy"

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autistic-Survival-Guide-Therapy/dp/1839977310

In addition to paperback, I have only recently realised it is also available in Kindle eBook and AudioBook formats too.

It is a book which I like to keep dipping into to re-read sections when my engagement with someone is at risk of trying my patience / sapping my energy / trying to push too many emotional levers in quick succession which alexithymia makes me feel all at once lost and disoriented / someone's NT-biased therapeutic approach is feeling very "off" and not landing well for me.

To facilitate giving myself an Autistic pep talk refresher before appointments - I have also added the Kindle version to my library on my smartphone. 

Arriving early enough for a post-travel pause over a bottle of water / hot drink and a short dive back into the relevant section of the book has helped my assertiveness and self advocacy about reasonable adjustments when working with someone who doesn't seem confident in applying appropriate augmentation strategies (aka clueless about Autism-appropriate considerations).

Hergé said:

my inner Weimaraner is currently curled up in a corner

Your inner Weimaraner might be smarter than its body language might at first suggest.

Big life events (you have described several colliding in a similar time frame) can trigger Autistic burnout which requires rest.

This article has been challenging me to think about a number of important Autistic maintenance things from a fresh perspective:

neurodivergentinsights.com/.../

Hergé said:

I'm about to start a clinical study that's dealing with TRD and it's dredged up all sorts of thoughts and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.

Have any of the attempts to help you in the past come from a therapist/counsellor who really understands autism?

I find that it helps to see depression as a symptom - it is caused by something underneath that is most likely a result of an autistic trait or lived experience that you have not been able to process or cope with yet.

An analogy could be that your autism is like a river of lava and you find that when you get out the newspaper to read, it bustst into flames. Treatment so far has been finding ways to put out the flames, not deal with the background temperature that causes the paper to spontaneously combust (Farenheit 451 for those who are interested).

A good threapist will work out how to help cool the lava, thus allowing you to do lots of other things without fire / melting issues.

Framing it in this way has helped me consider the depression as a consequence and this be able to steal a lot of its ability to "get to me" once I see the logical connection.

Maybe it is just me but finding out how things work this way gives me more of a feeling of control or at least the potential to control them to a degree and that helps me feel less at their mercy.

Just a few thoughts - I hope some can help.

It's painful to face things. The longer you suppressed them the harder it can be.

It is hard to process and makes sense of it. The worst thing is dragging things out into the open then receiving no help with how to deal with it.  I don't have a good answer other than to say putting my things in the open has made me less angry, at the expense of being a lot more sad. But after 6 months it may be slowly getting better. I have been trying to find a suitable distraction, but I may now may have one.

It takes time to process stuff. It happens in its own time. But the clock doesn't start till you recognise it and face it. Good luck.

Just keep the faith. It's going by to get better. Trust yourself.

Over the last few months I've definitely been much more honest with myself and maybe that's part of the problem, these things have been dragged into the light of day and they aren't happy about it.

I think the current dip in my mood was triggered  by a couple of incidents (a childhood friend took his own life and the following day a colleague of 20+ years died unexpectedly) and then I was interrogated by a psychologist for 3 hours as part of the study induction, which was brutal, I didn't know there were so many ways to ask about suicide intention.

So currently the light at the end of the tunnel feels like it's a train coming the other way.

Anyway hopefully a corner will be turn shortly or the clouds will part and the sun will shine, no promises but I'll get there at some point.

Thank you, my inner Weimaraner is currently curled up in a corner doing an impression of an over sized croissant, if you'd had one you would understand.

I'm just feeling a bit pathetic as I just can't persuade it to bugger off, maybe I need to channel my inner Taylor Swift instead and "shake it off" although I will deny that I said that publicly.

I've felt tearful most of this week and have definitely shed a few tears in the presence of others, which wasn't a comfortable thing to do. I don't subscribe to the "boys don't cry" crap but showing vulnerability still isn't easy. When you're so used to keeping people at arms length for decades it's really hard letting people in.

I've been seen a psychologist for over six months and it's definitely unearthed a number of achieved memories. I've learnt it's good to talk but it can be really challenging being honest and open and finally answering those really difficult and painful questions.

Hopefully normal service will resume shortly (God I hope so).

Thanks again 

I always focus on my positives like im good wirh facts like if a fact interests me I’ll always read abour that fact agin and again even though I remember it 

but sometimes the meltodowns and stuff so make me feel broken I won’t lie 

Maybe you need to be brutally honest with yourself and try to find the real root causes. Then write them down, then look at them and think what small steps you could take to make them a bit better.

I compartmentalise things and bury them, pretend they don't matter, distract myself  and intellectualise. They are all ways to avoid facing emotions and dealing with things. But being in denial does not help.

It may be hard. Some of the things may be confusing, or even not really true. But you loop and fantasize.

Seeing it written down help.

Just an idea.

Depression is one thing, Autism another and yet neither aspect of your lived experience obscures our visibility and valuing of you as a person.

I look forward to your posts / replies.  (Not once have I ever thought - Hergé - the broken / inferior / damaged).

Time to channel and harness your admired inner Weimaraner; step onwards towards your TRD clinical study. 

I would hope, given the nature of the particular study, the personnel you encounter ought to be better equipped than some: to help you navigate safely some of the dredged up sense of vulnerability.

Even vulnerability is not confined to negative connotations - there is also the aspect of a willingness to being bold and emotionally open, to potentially facilitate some deeper connections, insight and self-awareness.

We are here.  You are valued (in both the good times and the not so good times).

I've been through the fake it until you make it smile thing and it really doesn't work for me, I have a natural resting angry face and a big fake smile just doesn't sit well. It tends to be part of the CBT programme and I don't find that helpful either.

I hope the trial is helpful as I really need some relief from this. My depression doesn't really ever go away, it may lessen but eventually it comes back to challenge my ability to function.

When my mood is low, I'm more likely to feel broken. When it's up, I'm more likely to feel different. It can be a struggle to hang on to the latter when the former raises it head again.

Recite a little mantra to tell yourself you're not broken. Fake a big smile (it really works). Focus on the little things that are good. Take it one day at a time. I dunno, really. Depression is bloody awful. For me, it always passed eventually, though.

I hope that clinical study provides some relief.