Broken or different

Hergé said:

I'm about to start a clinical study that's dealing with TRD and it's dredged up all sorts of thoughts and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.

Have any of the attempts to help you in the past come from a therapist/counsellor who really understands autism?

I find that it helps to see depression as a symptom - it is caused by something underneath that is most likely a result of an autistic trait or lived experience that you have not been able to process or cope with yet.

An analogy could be that your autism is like a river of lava and you find that when you get out the newspaper to read, it bustst into flames. Treatment so far has been finding ways to put out the flames, not deal with the background temperature that causes the paper to spontaneously combust (Farenheit 451 for those who are interested).

A good threapist will work out how to help cool the lava, thus allowing you to do lots of other things without fire / melting issues.

Framing it in this way has helped me consider the depression as a consequence and this be able to steal a lot of its ability to "get to me" once I see the logical connection.

Maybe it is just me but finding out how things work this way gives me more of a feeling of control or at least the potential to control them to a degree and that helps me feel less at their mercy.

Just a few thoughts - I hope some can help.

Hergé said:

I'm about to start a clinical study that's dealing with TRD and it's dredged up all sorts of thoughts and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.

Have any of the attempts to help you in the past come from a therapist/counsellor who really understands autism?

I find that it helps to see depression as a symptom - it is caused by something underneath that is most likely a result of an autistic trait or lived experience that you have not been able to process or cope with yet.

An analogy could be that your autism is like a river of lava and you find that when you get out the newspaper to read, it bustst into flames. Treatment so far has been finding ways to put out the flames, not deal with the background temperature that causes the paper to spontaneously combust (Farenheit 451 for those who are interested).

A good threapist will work out how to help cool the lava, thus allowing you to do lots of other things without fire / melting issues.

Framing it in this way has helped me consider the depression as a consequence and this be able to steal a lot of its ability to "get to me" once I see the logical connection.

Maybe it is just me but finding out how things work this way gives me more of a feeling of control or at least the potential to control them to a degree and that helps me feel less at their mercy.

Just a few thoughts - I hope some can help.

As a late diagnosed person I probably have a few well buried emotional issues that hadn't seen the light of day for some time. 

I'm much more honest with myself but processing them is an ongoing issue.

I have a fairly stunted emotional range that doesn't seem to extend upwards beyond "flat", I think my alexithymia has a lot to answer for, I've not been able to identify being happy for so long, I've started to doubt it ever existed.

It's like there's a space one the emotional dial where it should be but it's just not there. If the needle reaches that part of the dial, I feel like I'm going to burst into tears, I don't feel happy just tearful and it sucks (frankly).

I've been working with a psychologist for a while and it's helping to a degree to unpack stuff but it seems unending, it's like the fluffy behind an old sofa cushion, when is it debris or when are you pulling out the stuffing.

I'll probably be fine, I've lived with this for as long as I can remember, it's just particularly trying at the moment.