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Broken or different

Hergé

Somewhere along the line of my journey I was diagnosed with treatment resistant depression and then a few decades later autism.

For a very long time I considered myself to be broken with some chance or hope or some sort of repair/recovery. Since my assessment last year, I'd begun to think of myself as different but lately I just can't shake the feeling that I'm inferior or damaged. I don't know if it's because my depression has been really kicking my butt lately but it can't really be helping.

I'm feeling a bit lost and it's been a difficult week. I'm about to start a clinical study that's dealing with TRD and it's dredged up all sorts of thoughts and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable.

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  • Depression is one thing, Autism another and yet neither aspect of your lived experience obscures our visibility and valuing of you as a person.

    I look forward to your posts / replies.  (Not once have I ever thought - Hergé - the broken / inferior / damaged).

    Time to channel and harness your admired inner Weimaraner; step onwards towards your TRD clinical study. 

    I would hope, given the nature of the particular study, the personnel you encounter ought to be better equipped than some: to help you navigate safely some of the dredged up sense of vulnerability.

    Even vulnerability is not confined to negative connotations - there is also the aspect of a willingness to being bold and emotionally open, to potentially facilitate some deeper connections, insight and self-awareness.

    We are here.  You are valued (in both the good times and the not so good times).

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Thank you, my inner Weimaraner is currently curled up in a corner doing an impression of an over sized croissant, if you'd had one you would understand.

    I'm just feeling a bit pathetic as I just can't persuade it to bugger off, maybe I need to channel my inner Taylor Swift instead and "shake it off" although I will deny that I said that publicly.

    I've felt tearful most of this week and have definitely shed a few tears in the presence of others, which wasn't a comfortable thing to do. I don't subscribe to the "boys don't cry" crap but showing vulnerability still isn't easy. When you're so used to keeping people at arms length for decades it's really hard letting people in.

    I've been seen a psychologist for over six months and it's definitely unearthed a number of achieved memories. I've learnt it's good to talk but it can be really challenging being honest and open and finally answering those really difficult and painful questions.

    Hopefully normal service will resume shortly (God I hope so).

    Thanks again 

  • in reply to Hergé
    Hergé said:
    my inner Weimaraner is currently curled up in a corner

    Your inner Weimaraner might be smarter than its body language might at first suggest.

    Big life events (you have described several colliding in a similar time frame) can trigger Autistic burnout which requires rest.

    This article has been challenging me to think about a number of important Autistic maintenance things from a fresh perspective:

    neurodivergentinsights.com/.../

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  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    I had a period of burnout (although at the time I didn't know it) around ten years ago, my wife was seriously unwell and it pushed me over the edge 

     My wife is now fine but I don't think I fully recovered. I just keep going as I don't know what else to do.

    I've decided that I'm going to take up walking/hiking, I was out yesterday having a wander with my headphones on and it wasn't a terrible experience.