Broken or different

When my mood is low, I'm more likely to feel broken. When it's up, I'm more likely to feel different. It can be a struggle to hang on to the latter when the former raises it head again.

Recite a little mantra to tell yourself you're not broken. Fake a big smile (it really works). Focus on the little things that are good. Take it one day at a time. I dunno, really. Depression is bloody awful. For me, it always passed eventually, though.

I hope that clinical study provides some relief.

I've been through the fake it until you make it smile thing and it really doesn't work for me, I have a natural resting angry face and a big fake smile just doesn't sit well. It tends to be part of the CBT programme and I don't find that helpful either.

I hope the trial is helpful as I really need some relief from this. My depression doesn't really ever go away, it may lessen but eventually it comes back to challenge my ability to function.

I've been through the fake it until you make it smile thing and it really doesn't work for me, I have a natural resting angry face and a big fake smile just doesn't sit well. It tends to be part of the CBT programme and I don't find that helpful either.

I hope the trial is helpful as I really need some relief from this. My depression doesn't really ever go away, it may lessen but eventually it comes back to challenge my ability to function.

Yes, I have one of those. This week is going to be a little intense as it's the first treatment week. Tuesday is actually the big day so we'll see what that brings. I have my own psychotherapist assigned to me so I should be getting one to one care, which should be fun!

Onwards and upwards etc

Set up a clinical study small backpack of (your version of) Autism-self stuff: water, snack, baseball cap, sunglasses, fidget item, doodle pad and pens, analgesic known safe to you, handheld rechargeable fan, a folding sit mat for a break outdoors, a book, ANC Headphones and music tracks - whatever it takes - and do use them.

The whole day was 7 and a half hours, that was just the psychology bit, I had the physical bit to do as well and my blood pressure wasn't playing ball.

I'm really not good at self advocating, I tend to fall back and us humour as a defence mechanism, I'm a funny laid back guy (who's dying inside and full of self doubt and criticism).

They were nice people and did ask if I needed a break but I was so desperate to be accepted I just kept on going, this could be said about my life in general.

"Fake it until you make it" was unexpectedly the opening slide of a course I once attended ...sorry, but nope - that is not a tactic which suits me.  It was as much as I could do not to exit right then at the first slide.

I have 2 prior experiences of CBT ...when I crashed and burned (as I didn't know at that stage that I am Autistic).  The trauma from archive kept being overshadowed by the trauma of the NT-style CBT experience.  I kept getting the vibe I was being prompted to tick boxes like: anxiety / depression / suicidal ideation - when those things didn't seem to match my reality or my experience of it.

My "doing my very best in the environment" resting in battle face can prompt an unsolicited "Cheer up love, it might never happen" remark from some bloke in a supermarket.  (I wasn't miserable before the remark ... that just changed ... thanks a lot!).

For me, A welcoming light at the end of the tunnel is currently centred around learning more about Autistic burnout and trying and reviewing / refining what recovery and ongoing maintenance techniques might suit me as an Autistic person.

Any time pushing progress incurs a derailment / setback - the post mortem common denominator usually seems to include ...I forget my Autism accommodations and had the throttle too far open.  (Rest, slow it down, feel "now", regroup, gather energy and resources, step forward to try again in a more regulated manner).  I have to keep reminding myself it isn't a competition - continuing progress is the reward (not some mythical instant perfection).

I might be: stressed / exhausted / lacking motivation / morose / needing more solo time / unenthusiastic about pastimes and intense interests / find emotions are more hair-triggered than at other times / fed up / frustrated / loding my executive function performance levels - but each of those things it may take me several days to realise are in play - and none of them overlay neatly (or at all) onto anyone's wretched "wellbeing" snapshot questionnaires.  (Try asking me in 3 days time when I have canvassed my systems and started to collate some of the responses).

Hergé said:

I was interrogated by a psychologist for 3 hours

The words "Autism augmentation strategies" / reasonable adjustments are flashing like a neon sign pulsing between two hi-viz colours.

I would experience a 3 hours session for an Autistic person as unreasonable.

I have been reading the bok by Steph Jones: "The Autistic Survival Guide To Therapy"

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autistic-Survival-Guide-Therapy/dp/1839977310

In addition to paperback, I have only recently realised it is also available in Kindle eBook and AudioBook formats too.

It is a book which I like to keep dipping into to re-read sections when my engagement with someone is at risk of trying my patience / sapping my energy / trying to push too many emotional levers in quick succession which alexithymia makes me feel all at once lost and disoriented / someone's NT-biased therapeutic approach is feeling very "off" and not landing well for me.

To facilitate giving myself an Autistic pep talk refresher before appointments - I have also added the Kindle version to my library on my smartphone. 

Arriving early enough for a post-travel pause over a bottle of water / hot drink and a short dive back into the relevant section of the book has helped my assertiveness and self advocacy about reasonable adjustments when working with someone who doesn't seem confident in applying appropriate augmentation strategies (aka clueless about Autism-appropriate considerations).

It's painful to face things. The longer you suppressed them the harder it can be.

It is hard to process and makes sense of it. The worst thing is dragging things out into the open then receiving no help with how to deal with it.  I don't have a good answer other than to say putting my things in the open has made me less angry, at the expense of being a lot more sad. But after 6 months it may be slowly getting better. I have been trying to find a suitable distraction, but I may now may have one.

It takes time to process stuff. It happens in its own time. But the clock doesn't start till you recognise it and face it. Good luck.

Just keep the faith. It's going by to get better. Trust yourself.

Over the last few months I've definitely been much more honest with myself and maybe that's part of the problem, these things have been dragged into the light of day and they aren't happy about it.

I think the current dip in my mood was triggered  by a couple of incidents (a childhood friend took his own life and the following day a colleague of 20+ years died unexpectedly) and then I was interrogated by a psychologist for 3 hours as part of the study induction, which was brutal, I didn't know there were so many ways to ask about suicide intention.

So currently the light at the end of the tunnel feels like it's a train coming the other way.

Anyway hopefully a corner will be turn shortly or the clouds will part and the sun will shine, no promises but I'll get there at some point.

Maybe you need to be brutally honest with yourself and try to find the real root causes. Then write them down, then look at them and think what small steps you could take to make them a bit better.

I compartmentalise things and bury them, pretend they don't matter, distract myself  and intellectualise. They are all ways to avoid facing emotions and dealing with things. But being in denial does not help.

It may be hard. Some of the things may be confusing, or even not really true. But you loop and fantasize.

Seeing it written down help.

Just an idea.