To much responsibility and not enough power

Where does one find a key worker?

I have tried talking to my friend, but his solutions don't work, as they mostly involve me stopping doing the things I enjoy in favour of the things I don't, like ready meals instead of cooking.

Good builders are in such great demand they're often booked up months in advance, so I need to get them sorted before I need them in an emergency. COme spring and summer they will all be booked up.

I can't not see the problems with the house and garden, they're all around me, everyday, this house needs some love and attention. We have a new front door coming next month, which will be great, no more putting towels down in the hall when it rains. I love my garden and want to do stuff out there, mostly I'm prevented by the weather, but aside from weeding maintainance does need to be done and planned for, things like fencing won't wait and some of the pavers on the patio and the path at the front have become loose and are a hazzard, I don't want myself or anyone else getting a broken ankle because of it. Likewise the electricity box does need changing and possibly some of the wiring too, again its too dangerous not to have it done.

That sounds incredibly stressful - I’m so sorry. Is it possible that you could talk to the friend who lives with you and explain how you feel about the way he is behaving regarding this? 
My feeling reading your post is that you should be prioritising your health above all else if it’s impacting you in this way. Could you possibly ‘park’ these issues until the spring (say - April?) to give yourself a break from all the stress of this? Just give yourself a complete rest from thinking about tackling the problems with your house and garden? If they are outside in the garden they can probably wait til the spring anyway possibly? 
It’s important that you take care of yourself - more important than any DIY. 

Human Capital; which we used to excel at.

Gran consistently buried her head in the sand; regarding development of our old home. Just like your mum. Our cleaner knew men who could help, as her husband's a builder, but she wouldn't have any of it. Nothing was done until she passed away.

Yes, get someone to advocate for you. I know that I shirked my, Male, duties; when younger. However, I'm fortunate to know men who work there.

Research the cost, and regulations, for such work. And contact a Key Worker.

No we don't want chain link, we want proper wood maybe a vertical waneylap.

25m x1m chain link is about £100 say and normally comes with a roll of wire to tension it.  Dormant season (i.e. late winter) renovation of a privet hedge is a great way to reset the size - after just a few years it will be regrown in fine shape.  2 years ao I "went in deep" with an electric chainsaw on mine and it has recovered already.   The wire helps with strength as all the plants connect - but in a flexible way.  Reckon the issue will be finding a jobbing gardener who might take on the task - since it's a winter job there's at least a couple of months to play with.  As a guide to how long how much - with the right power tools if I was doing this DIY I'd set aside at least 2 days to do the cutting.  Clearing up and removal of the cut material is s pretty big job too - if you had somewhere to pile it up and compost down that might be a way of saving time and money and also keep the goodness in the garden.  My privet hedges regularly host sparrows etc and is a good hiding place for lots of other animals too.  Great for creating the micro-climate and privacy of the garden as well.  Maybe some fruit trees in pots if you can manage the watering?  All the best. :-)  

It's a privet hedge and quite old I think and very thick, in some ways I'd like to cut it all down and put some serious fencing up and fan train fruit trees against it, but lots of birds and other wild life live in it and it's a good carbon store. The other thing, is it's over 100 feet long and with the gale force winds common here, it would need to be very strong and it would be incredibly expensive.

 ah. OK I tie-wired some chain link fencing tight along the base of the hedge between our house and next doors when we moved here to stop our dog from pressing thro'  Since it was a privet hedge it soon grew back thro' the wire and as long as one is careful when cutting back the hedge nobody even realises it's there.  I wonder what sort of hedge you have?

This is definately our boundary that needs doing, massive 10 foot high hedge, that now needs some low fencing on the lower part as it has few leaves, Fearn can get out and I don't want to reduce the height to much as it gives us privacy from the houses on the other side of it, being able to hear them is bad enough.

a thought about the fencing - is it your boundary or is it your neighbour's - would be a shame to spend out if it's their's to repair (although appreciate that if it is the problem is not solved just converted to another sort maybe)  Plus what Number says :-)

Thanks all, I have threatened the friend with eviction if he dosen't stop interfearing. But I think he's developing dementia and is stilll in denial about how bad he's become, it dosen't help that in his professional life he was a dementia nurse.

Helpers, social workers, and such people, dream on, there aren't enough of them to help people who can't get out of bed by themselves. There's no one with any authority that would be respected and it wouldn't work.

Mum agreed to get a chap round to look at some of the outside work, like fencing and patio problems, hopefully if I contact him now then we might get something done before summer.

It's just frustrating, it also dosen't help when theres such a shortage of trades and the ones there are, are cowboys, if they haven't got a waiting list of at least a couple of months then we don't use them. Many won't come as far west as Anglesey if they're on the main land, I tried Which magazine trusted trader thing once, and the nearest person they had was north of Liverpool.

I'll probably start feeling better once the weather improves, when it's so wet and windy the dog crosses her legs, I don't want to go out either

You need to become more assertive and hardline in this situation - you need a third party to intervene, preferably someone with some Athority, like a police officer and get them to mediate or better still, lay down the law to them, which clearly they badly need - it really sounds as if their nonsense has not been robustly and assertively challenged for quite some time, so involving a mental health professional like a social worker or community support worker would be a good idea - these people clearly have a bad case of NPD 

Also it sounds like you need to "Audit " the state of your house listing all the old, new and foreseeable problems.  

Sort your list in order of priority then solve each list item as efficently as possible sequentailly.

Allow for a ten percent expansion of list items over it's life. Make sure that yrou contractors understand that the project has a fixed budget and MUST NOT GROW BIGGER "unexpectedly". 

If you live in a nice bit, you can offer a part holiday / part work scheme to any tradespeople you might know in other parts of the country, where they work a week have a weeks accomodation somewhere nice and (if they've done a good job) about half the wages they'd expect if they were just doing it for the money..

JUST spitballing but there might be something you could use. Heck, if you were acceptably close to me I'd have offered to come and fix that ruddy light of yours (Or at least tell you what needs doing if it's "above my paygrade", as some simple electrical work is for legal and safety or insufficient traning reasons) just for the joy of impressing someone with my skill & competence in that area.

You must be able to get some stuff done though simple human trading and good will surely? 

I suspect NUmbers advice will eb much more useful than mine, 

Hey there, TheCatWoman.  Please be careful with yourself and your own wellbeing.....us types are dangerously effective at "coping with shite"....up to the point that we are not....and then the ceiling falls in on us (metaphorically and mentally) with unexpected force and potentially awful consequences.

Maybe it is a good time for you to put pen-to-paper?  Write a list, and put today's date on it.  Then start your list with a few sentences like.....

"I am stressed out and I feel like I am failing to convey my heartfelt belief that, if we don't spend money to resolve this list of problems now, then either I am going to be driven mental or else these problems will become catastrophes, or else these problems can be expected to cost significantly more to solve later."   Then list the problems/issues.

If you can do that list, in that way, then hopefully you can either get some action.....or (more importantly) give yourself permission to allow things to get worse without blaming yourself!

Obviously.....you will need to put your list up so that your mum and the other relevant people will see and read it.

Honestly mate.....based on my interpretation of how you are feeling.....I recommend writing that list and then letting the fences fall and the roof leaks to get worse.....if that is what happens.  If you become unwell from worry or burnout, that would be FAR FAR worse than neglected home maintenance!

Take care of yourself please.  I hear you.  I've been in similar situations.  Prioritise yourself......for everybody's sake.

I hope this is a helpful perspective for you.

With much respect

Number.

I’m so sorry that you are going through those difficulties at the moment. Clearly you need practical as well a emotional support right now. 

You could try contacting one or more of the Urgent Help organisations listed on this NAS website by clicking on the top of this page.

Contact your GP or the GP’s surgery to enquire if they have a counsellor you could talk to, or a social worker.

Is it possible for you to speak to the friend, explaining that you need to deal directly with tradespeople, and request that he refrains from engagement?

I do hope things improve soon.

In relation to your "friend", have you considered threatening them with expulsion if they mess with the builders again?

An alternative is to make it blatantly clear to the builders that they can deal with you and only you - the friend is a troublemaker and should be avoided at all costs.

In relation to getting access to the funds to do something, you are pretty stuffed as while your mum is still capable of making her own decisions and is the financier, you are only along for the ride. Learning to accept this may give some relief even if it feels like the impact is unpleasant.

At best I would get quotes for the work needed and present them to your mum and give her a prod every time the issues come up in conversation.

Maybe with time she will relinquish more control, but while it is her property and her money, you are just a lodger to all intents and purposes.

Sorry to hear you find yourself in this position - the above are practical suggestions but lack the full context of your situation so may not be entirely suitable, Good luck.

Sorry to hear that, Cat woman. 

There are a couple of websites which list female trades people, if that's any help?

https://www.femalebuilder.com/

https://femaletradesperson.co.uk/

Wishing you luck with getting everything done.