To much responsibility and not enough power

Is the situation I'm increasingly finding myself in, there's things in the house that need doing and are going to cost money, I'm not physically capable of doing them anymore, like decorating and serious bits of hard landscaping. Mum, who holds the purse strings is change adverse, we've got a new front door coming in the next few weeks and tats taken me months of persausion to get her to agree, it was only when there were huge puddles in the hall that she agreed. Now the patio is going to need some serious work and some fencing in the garden. My Dad used to take care of all this sort of stuff, but now he's gone it's fallen to me, only I don't have the say so on the money side of things like he did. Me trying to talk about it falls on deaf ears, not helped by the friend who lives with us, who has no financial interest in the house making things diffucult, he's chased off a couple of builder and plumbers by trying to tell them we want things we don't and that we don't want things we do. Far to many builders and trades people really want to speak to a man and don't really want to work for women and start talking to him as soon as they see him, if I remind them it's me and Mum who they're working for, they disapear and don't call back as they quite understandably don't want to be caught in the middle.

I feel close to collapse, my mental and physical health is starting to suffer and yet there feels like little I can do to break the deadlock. I think I'm at the point of burning out as I'm sleeping nearly 12 hours a day and still feeling exhausted.

Parents
  • In relation to your "friend", have you considered threatening them with expulsion if they mess with the builders again?

    An alternative is to make it blatantly clear to the builders that they can deal with you and only you - the friend is a troublemaker and should be avoided at all costs.

    In relation to getting access to the funds to do something, you are pretty stuffed as while your mum is still capable of making her own decisions and is the financier, you are only along for the ride. Learning to accept this may give some relief even if it feels like the impact is unpleasant.

    At best I would get quotes for the work needed and present them to your mum and give her a prod every time the issues come up in conversation.

    Maybe with time she will relinquish more control, but while it is her property and her money, you are just a lodger to all intents and purposes.

    Sorry to hear you find yourself in this position - the above are practical suggestions but lack the full context of your situation so may not be entirely suitable, Good luck.

Reply
  • In relation to your "friend", have you considered threatening them with expulsion if they mess with the builders again?

    An alternative is to make it blatantly clear to the builders that they can deal with you and only you - the friend is a troublemaker and should be avoided at all costs.

    In relation to getting access to the funds to do something, you are pretty stuffed as while your mum is still capable of making her own decisions and is the financier, you are only along for the ride. Learning to accept this may give some relief even if it feels like the impact is unpleasant.

    At best I would get quotes for the work needed and present them to your mum and give her a prod every time the issues come up in conversation.

    Maybe with time she will relinquish more control, but while it is her property and her money, you are just a lodger to all intents and purposes.

    Sorry to hear you find yourself in this position - the above are practical suggestions but lack the full context of your situation so may not be entirely suitable, Good luck.

Children
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