To much responsibility and not enough power

Is the situation I'm increasingly finding myself in, there's things in the house that need doing and are going to cost money, I'm not physically capable of doing them anymore, like decorating and serious bits of hard landscaping. Mum, who holds the purse strings is change adverse, we've got a new front door coming in the next few weeks and tats taken me months of persausion to get her to agree, it was only when there were huge puddles in the hall that she agreed. Now the patio is going to need some serious work and some fencing in the garden. My Dad used to take care of all this sort of stuff, but now he's gone it's fallen to me, only I don't have the say so on the money side of things like he did. Me trying to talk about it falls on deaf ears, not helped by the friend who lives with us, who has no financial interest in the house making things diffucult, he's chased off a couple of builder and plumbers by trying to tell them we want things we don't and that we don't want things we do. Far to many builders and trades people really want to speak to a man and don't really want to work for women and start talking to him as soon as they see him, if I remind them it's me and Mum who they're working for, they disapear and don't call back as they quite understandably don't want to be caught in the middle.

I feel close to collapse, my mental and physical health is starting to suffer and yet there feels like little I can do to break the deadlock. I think I'm at the point of burning out as I'm sleeping nearly 12 hours a day and still feeling exhausted.

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  • Hey there, TheCatWoman.  Please be careful with yourself and your own wellbeing.....us types are dangerously effective at "coping with shite"....up to the point that we are not....and then the ceiling falls in on us (metaphorically and mentally) with unexpected force and potentially awful consequences.

    Maybe it is a good time for you to put pen-to-paper?  Write a list, and put today's date on it.  Then start your list with a few sentences like.....

    "I am stressed out and I feel like I am failing to convey my heartfelt belief that, if we don't spend money to resolve this list of problems now, then either I am going to be driven mental or else these problems will become catastrophes, or else these problems can be expected to cost significantly more to solve later."   Then list the problems/issues.

    If you can do that list, in that way, then hopefully you can either get some action.....or (more importantly) give yourself permission to allow things to get worse without blaming yourself!

    Obviously.....you will need to put your list up so that your mum and the other relevant people will see and read it.

    Honestly mate.....based on my interpretation of how you are feeling.....I recommend writing that list and then letting the fences fall and the roof leaks to get worse.....if that is what happens.  If you become unwell from worry or burnout, that would be FAR FAR worse than neglected home maintenance!

    Take care of yourself please.  I hear you.  I've been in similar situations.  Prioritise yourself......for everybody's sake.

    I hope this is a helpful perspective for you.

    With much respect

    Number.

  • Also it sounds like you need to "Audit " the state of your house listing all the old, new and foreseeable problems.  

    Sort your list in order of priority then solve each list item as efficently as possible sequentailly.

    Allow for a ten percent expansion of list items over it's life. Make sure that yrou contractors understand that the project has a fixed budget and MUST NOT GROW BIGGER "unexpectedly". 

    If you live in a nice bit, you can offer a part holiday / part work scheme to any tradespeople you might know in other parts of the country, where they work a week have a weeks accomodation somewhere nice and (if they've done a good job) about half the wages they'd expect if they were just doing it for the money..

    JUST spitballing but there might be something you could use. Heck, if you were acceptably close to me I'd have offered to come and fix that ruddy light of yours (Or at least tell you what needs doing if it's "above my paygrade", as some simple electrical work is for legal and safety or insufficient traning reasons) just for the joy of impressing someone with my skill & competence in that area.

    You must be able to get some stuff done though simple human trading and good will surely? 

    I suspect NUmbers advice will eb much more useful than mine, 

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  • Also it sounds like you need to "Audit " the state of your house listing all the old, new and foreseeable problems.  

    Sort your list in order of priority then solve each list item as efficently as possible sequentailly.

    Allow for a ten percent expansion of list items over it's life. Make sure that yrou contractors understand that the project has a fixed budget and MUST NOT GROW BIGGER "unexpectedly". 

    If you live in a nice bit, you can offer a part holiday / part work scheme to any tradespeople you might know in other parts of the country, where they work a week have a weeks accomodation somewhere nice and (if they've done a good job) about half the wages they'd expect if they were just doing it for the money..

    JUST spitballing but there might be something you could use. Heck, if you were acceptably close to me I'd have offered to come and fix that ruddy light of yours (Or at least tell you what needs doing if it's "above my paygrade", as some simple electrical work is for legal and safety or insufficient traning reasons) just for the joy of impressing someone with my skill & competence in that area.

    You must be able to get some stuff done though simple human trading and good will surely? 

    I suspect NUmbers advice will eb much more useful than mine, 

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