Published on 12, July, 2020
I think that's me just about done.
Goodbye.
How about volunteering...?
Here goes for another day. Another agonising day stuck in my own sense of self.
And that's me done for the night/early morning.
Still praying that I never wake up. The loneliness I've felt around other people tonight reminds me of just how deficient I am. Autism or not, I'm just not all there - I'm incomplete. I'm a ghost around people. I can sense them and they can sense me but never the twain shall meet. Indelibly cut off from human interaction. I can mimic their mannerisms to a point and get away with blending in to a point. But I'm getting more and more exposed as the loner out in the cold. I can't keep masking what I can't be anymore.
But I'll keep trying. There's got to be more to life than this. The shunning, the insensitivity, the complete pointlessness of it all. I'll wake up, as I always do, and it'll be another day: another challenge. It'll be the best day of my life because I'll be with my kids and, most importantly, I'll still be alive to spend it with them. But I know that it'll soon be over before it really starts. My presence drifting away - both in time and place and in their lives.
Holding it together for them. Praying that I can break down and cry myself to sleep just so that I can immerse myself in that little bit of human feeling but I know that it just won't come. The numbness takes over. The sleep is interrupted. The agony of living as me builds up once more and so we march on. To war within myself and with the world around me. We march.
A
Yellow Brick Road.
(As you're OK with people being insensitive )
I'm the walrus.
That’s good. You must be struggling. At least you can access these numbers.
National Suicide Prevention UK on my phone now also.
Autism. I get it. It's why we're here. The times I've been pulled up for being insensitive. It's fine. Don't worry.
Thank you Yellow tree 118. Bless the Samaritans. I've got them on speed dial as always. Think I'll give them a night off this time.
The prospect of a train journey through London, from the Midlands to the West Country to spend the weekend with my children mostly excites me. I love being around people and of course the joy of being with my kids is very real...painfully real, in fact.
Mainly why I thought it wasn't social anxiety because I've always loved being with people, for as long as I can remember. Used to actually interact with other children as a young boy, apparently. Can barely remember now. Just the heartache of adolescence and its continuation into manhood.
Nice to feel the rush of the non-stop express train pass me. I'd never jump - could never traumatise anyone like that - but I can savour the moment all the same. Then I think of my kids, my loved ones and the worst thing is always the same - that I just can't feel anything. I can force myself to cry if need be and, rarely, if caught unawares. But I sit there, puffing out hot steam in the cold air, yearning to be able to express emotion just freely. To just smile without self-consciousness for example.
So the journey continues. Passing by the settlements, the big city getting nearer. About as close as I'll ever get to an orgy is in a big urban setting around fellow homo sapiens on a Friday and Saturday night. The buzz of freedom, temporary illusory freedom, as the week ends before another begins - feeling like part of me can somehow 'take part' in it from my solitary viewing spot/shadows. A midnight walk through the urban nightlife before slinking off to find a bed somewhere. Little better than an animal meandering around, looking for a place to give up the ghost.
Life carries on. Do it for them the voice says. Just do it for them.
Man that’s a bit insensitive saying that. ACF85 is feeling low just now. Although I understand the joke you were trying to make it’s just totally the wrong situation though.
So sorry to hear this. Has something happened that has upset you? I hope you are feeling better soon. I know you are struggling just now but you can always reach out to Samaritans.
I know, Mark. And much appreciated all the same.
Yeah, I'm a cake
Thank you Red82. That's nice to know.
are you a cake? In distress? If you posted this you are reaching out: for what? tell us please.
You are in my thoughts.
Thank you.
The more I think about whether to keep the post up or not, I think about how it could be useful for others who feel like the time has come to end it, to reflect on, so that I can still help others even if I do manage to work out that exit.
Yes, you have it right. I should have been in school this week for my first week of (SCITT) school-centred initial teacher training. Instead I have been told not to do any studying, not to communicate with anyone on the training programme, not to communicate with anyone at the school, not to engage in any way with the course programme but just to 'do nothing'. All due to 'concerns over my wellbeing' which I apparently caused by not masking well enough.
So here I am. Wishing I wasn't and staring into the abyss as my career and future prospects look set to unravel before me. Inevitably the OH report will seek corroboration with a GP report, which will reveal suicidality, which in turn will give them the excuse they're looking for to cut me adrift, all in the name of wellbeing and safeguarding of course. I've never harmed a child in my life and don't intend to start anytime soon. In fact I have gone above and beyond at times to ensure the safeguarding of children but have not been understood in turn. My own children have been taken from me, not due to safeguarding concerns, but due to the end of my marriage. I miss them terribly and do what I can to stay in their lives. My ex is very amenable with this and welcomes me in their lives. Being around children has always helped me to find meaning and purpose in life. When it's taken from me, like at present, it breaks me but I still stand somehow. I love my enemies. 'They know not what they do' and I pray for their short-sightedness. They blindly follow procedures but they don't consider the consequences.
Even though I can sense it all slipping away, I still know that somehow I will keep going. I hate it but I will. I know it's not healthy just to keep going for the kids when I feel I have little to nothing left of self-respect but often I think I keep going just for the sake of it. The anguish of getting up, of living, of returning to sleep. It's become a habit - every sensory 'quirk' weighing me down and yet endured, like a thousand lashes and a cross to bear. Just need to let go somehow.
Thank you. I have a faith which remains despite despair. I don't quite know how but God remains with me every single step of the way. Through all the guilt, loneliness, despair and frustration. I know I'm never truly alone.
x
Dear ACF85
Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We understand from your post that you are currently going through a difficult time. It is good that you’ve let us know how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support
The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help
If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/
You may also find the following NAS resources useful:
Help for anyone struggling to cope
We hope this is helpful to you.
Kind regards
Liz Mod
I have nothing to say to this that won't come out crap. But wanted to say something, so you know people are listening.