Goodbye.

Shame if you leave. This forum is very valuable resource in terms of support. There is very little support available to late diagnosed  adults.

What has made you say you are done?

Yeah, I know. Regrettably though, I meant it as a last comment before ending my life. Nothing new, mind you and, alas, I'm still here. Unfortunately. Sometimes that lame cry for help, I hope, can just spur me on and make that executive functioning kick in so that I can somehow actually get it done. No emotion, no second thoughts even. Just an absence of willpower.

Naturally I can't write any details about methods here as it will be deleted. But I've analysed them, in true autistic fashion, and still find that there is always a slight possibility that I might somehow get lucky and manage to be successful. No more need to breathe, eat etc. I can talk about methods etc at my AMC group, which is good to share, and I'll miss meeting up with these lads every Monday evening once I'm gone. But I know I'm still here and I'll stay lingering on like a bad smell, like some fleshed-out ghost of a thing.

38+ years. Hardly anything really but then I've been wanting to take my life for most of my life (since about 16) so, when you put that into perspective, it's about time that I finally made that move to put my perfectly healthy bodily functions at peace once and for all.

Yep, thanks in advance to the mods with your signposting to a b and c etc. Just got back from my GP reception to find out what an 'urgent referral' back to the mental health team refers to exactly when I've been waiting a week since they called me back last Friday and nothing has been passed on since. Mental Health Number is often a half hour wait and Samaritans is a mixed bag, depending on who's on duty. I'll have a look at the inevitable links to see if there's anything new. Probably is. Forgive the resignation in my tone but I've been here too many times. It's not that I'm especially low even. Right now, as of writing, I'm just frustrated that I've got no willpower to get that final act done and get that final curtain drawn. 

I'll stop writing now. Do some 'journalling' or something. Write a poem or story. Think of a smiling child. Anything it takes to keep going I guess.

A

Thanks for your honesty.

Keep going and use distraction techniques to get you through this spell.

Excuse if I have got this wrong but you are waiting on an occupational health referral for your teacher training?

I know you said that you are being blocked from continuing until the referral to OHS has assessed you and that can be tough to process.

Try to reframe that so that you can view this as a necessary pause to allow you to process your diagnosis and work out some of your triggers. The reason you believe for being blocked is so that professionals can assess what reasonable adjustments they can recommend so that you are not at a disadvantage when you are able to resume your training. Could it be that whoever you think is blocking you maybe has a few things to take into consideration such as the implications of the equality act to protect both you and them legally. Also rightly or wrongly in your opinion they are trying to look after your wellbeing by you not continuing until said adjustments are in place. They would be neglecting their duty of care to you to knowingly allowing you to continue and struggle without the proper support for you.

I understand how you have arrived at your thinking but and it is the problem with us autists if information has not been explained correctly so that you can understand the meaning behind it rather than the literal interpretation that we tend to make.

Just imagine what a real difference you could make as teacher in kindling a greater understanding that ASD is not a defect but a mere difference but just one that may need different support than the NT's do.

Remember that a journey of a thousand miles STARTS with a single step.

Do not despair my friend the community is there for you.

Thank you.

The more I think about whether to keep the post up or not, I think about how it could be useful for others who feel like the time has come to end it, to reflect on, so that I can still help others even if I do manage to work out that exit.

Yes, you have it right. I should have been in school this week for my first week of (SCITT) school-centred initial teacher training. Instead I have been told not to do any studying, not to communicate with anyone on the training programme, not to communicate with anyone at the school, not to engage in any way with the course programme but just to 'do nothing'. All due to 'concerns over my wellbeing' which I apparently caused by not masking well enough. 

So here I am. Wishing I wasn't and staring into the abyss as my career and future prospects look set to unravel before me. Inevitably the OH report will seek corroboration with a GP report, which will reveal suicidality, which in turn will give them the excuse they're looking for to cut me adrift, all in the name of wellbeing and safeguarding of course. I've never harmed a child in my life and don't intend to start anytime soon. In fact I have gone above and beyond at times to ensure the safeguarding of children but have not been understood in turn. My own children have been taken from me, not due to safeguarding concerns, but due to the end of my marriage. I miss them terribly and do what I can to stay in their lives. My ex is very amenable with this and welcomes me in their lives. Being around children has always helped me to find meaning and purpose in life. When it's taken from me, like at present, it breaks me but I still stand somehow. I love my enemies. 'They know not what they do' and I pray for their short-sightedness. They blindly follow procedures but they don't consider the consequences.

Even though I can sense it all slipping away, I still know that somehow I will keep going. I hate it but I will. I know it's not healthy just to keep going for the kids when I feel I have little to nothing left of self-respect but often I think I keep going just for the sake of it. The anguish of getting up, of living, of returning to sleep. It's become a habit - every sensory 'quirk' weighing me down and yet endured, like a thousand lashes and a cross to bear. Just need to let go somehow.

Thank you. I have a faith which remains despite despair. I don't quite know how but God remains with me every single step of the way. Through all the guilt, loneliness, despair and frustration. I know I'm never truly alone.

x

Thank you.

The more I think about whether to keep the post up or not, I think about how it could be useful for others who feel like the time has come to end it, to reflect on, so that I can still help others even if I do manage to work out that exit.

Yes, you have it right. I should have been in school this week for my first week of (SCITT) school-centred initial teacher training. Instead I have been told not to do any studying, not to communicate with anyone on the training programme, not to communicate with anyone at the school, not to engage in any way with the course programme but just to 'do nothing'. All due to 'concerns over my wellbeing' which I apparently caused by not masking well enough. 

So here I am. Wishing I wasn't and staring into the abyss as my career and future prospects look set to unravel before me. Inevitably the OH report will seek corroboration with a GP report, which will reveal suicidality, which in turn will give them the excuse they're looking for to cut me adrift, all in the name of wellbeing and safeguarding of course. I've never harmed a child in my life and don't intend to start anytime soon. In fact I have gone above and beyond at times to ensure the safeguarding of children but have not been understood in turn. My own children have been taken from me, not due to safeguarding concerns, but due to the end of my marriage. I miss them terribly and do what I can to stay in their lives. My ex is very amenable with this and welcomes me in their lives. Being around children has always helped me to find meaning and purpose in life. When it's taken from me, like at present, it breaks me but I still stand somehow. I love my enemies. 'They know not what they do' and I pray for their short-sightedness. They blindly follow procedures but they don't consider the consequences.

Even though I can sense it all slipping away, I still know that somehow I will keep going. I hate it but I will. I know it's not healthy just to keep going for the kids when I feel I have little to nothing left of self-respect but often I think I keep going just for the sake of it. The anguish of getting up, of living, of returning to sleep. It's become a habit - every sensory 'quirk' weighing me down and yet endured, like a thousand lashes and a cross to bear. Just need to let go somehow.

Thank you. I have a faith which remains despite despair. I don't quite know how but God remains with me every single step of the way. Through all the guilt, loneliness, despair and frustration. I know I'm never truly alone.

x