Goodbye.

Hi Miss Understands. Just for your information - this forum is based in the United Kingdom. GABA is prescription only here. Posters from around the world, like yourself, are more than welcome. Also we are not allowed to give medical advice - forum rules.

Have you tried an SSRI? If not, try GABA. it calms you right down, it doesn't make you sleepy at all, and it's right next to the vitamins in the supermarket. If it wasn't legal and safe and almost free, it would be a miracle Drug.

It's no problem at all buddy.  It could be depression that is informing you that the world is all bad. I hope you are still around to read this today?

Shouldn't be long now. Eating crap to hopefully give myself a heart attack. Wheezing more, puffing, sighing with the pointlessness of it all.[content removed by Moderator due to breaches of the online community rules and guidelines]  Nowhere for the suicidal to go apart from teetering on the edge of life. Pathetic. Organ collapse inevitable if I keep living this way. Countdown engaged...

Yeah, probably is as you say. 'Officially' that is.

You get auto logged out every few days. I don't know why you couldn't get back in though. Doubt its a reporting. They usually put people on the naughty step where your posts are checked by an admin before appearing.

I do volunteer

Yes.. Do volunteer.. In small villages or countries or anything.. It helped me before.. 

Can't seem to reply to this anymore as the 'original me' (ACF85) as I had to sign in, which I didn't have to do before, and it wouldn't accept my Google account. Had to set up a new account (hence this 'duplicate' ACF85).

Paranoia already kicking in as though I've been reported or something. Wouldn't surprise me. S*** like this just seems to happen and follows me around all my life.

A

Do volunteer

How about volunteering...? 

Here goes for another day. Another agonising day stuck in my own sense of self. 

And that's me done for the night/early morning.

Still praying that I never wake up. The loneliness I've felt around other people tonight reminds me of just how deficient I am. Autism or not, I'm just not all there - I'm incomplete. I'm a ghost around people. I can sense them and they can sense me but never the twain shall meet. Indelibly cut off from human interaction. I can mimic their mannerisms to a point and get away with blending in to a point. But I'm getting more and more exposed as the loner out in the cold. I can't keep masking what I can't be anymore.

But I'll keep trying. There's got to be more to life than this. The shunning, the insensitivity, the complete pointlessness of it all. I'll wake up, as I always do, and it'll be another day: another challenge. It'll be the best day of my life because I'll be with my kids and, most importantly, I'll still be alive to spend it with them. But I know that it'll soon be over before it really starts. My presence drifting away - both in time and place and in their lives.

Holding it together for them. Praying that I can break down and cry myself to sleep just so that I can immerse myself in that little bit of human feeling but I know that it just won't come. The numbness takes over. The sleep is interrupted. The agony of living as me builds up once more and so we march on. To war within myself and with the world around me. We march.

A

Yellow Brick Road.

(As you're OK with people being insensitive )

I'm the walrus.

The prospect of a train journey through London, from the Midlands to the West Country to spend the weekend with my children mostly excites me. I love being around people and of course the joy of being with my kids is very real...painfully real, in fact. 

Mainly why I thought it wasn't social anxiety because I've always loved being with people, for as long as I can remember. Used to actually interact with other children as a young boy, apparently. Can barely remember now. Just the heartache of adolescence and its continuation into manhood. 

Nice to feel the rush of the non-stop express train pass me. I'd never jump - could never traumatise anyone like that - but I can savour the moment all the same. Then I think of my kids, my loved ones and the worst thing is always the same - that I just can't feel anything. I can force myself to cry if need be and, rarely, if caught unawares. But I sit there, puffing out hot steam in the cold air, yearning to be able to express emotion just freely. To just smile without self-consciousness for example.

So the journey continues. Passing by the settlements, the big city getting nearer. About as close as I'll ever get to an orgy is in a big urban setting around fellow homo sapiens on a Friday and Saturday night. The buzz of freedom, temporary illusory freedom, as the week ends before another begins - feeling like part of me can somehow 'take part' in it from my solitary viewing spot/shadows. A midnight walk through the urban nightlife before slinking off to find a bed somewhere. Little better than an animal meandering around, looking for a place to give up the ghost.

Life carries on. Do it for them the voice says. Just do it for them.

A

I know, Mark. And much appreciated all the same.

Yeah, I'm a cake

Thank you Red82. That's nice to know.

are you a cake? In distress? If you posted this you are reaching out: for what? tell us please.