Son is 25 year old and really hard to live with

Ann :) said:

i think science might be a bit of a unique scenario- so many undiagnosed autistic individuals so if you are lucky you can work with colleagues that are very likeminded. But also lots of very toxic environments etc. 

IT is like this too - I know so many former colleagues who were clearly neurodivergent when I look back but unfortunately they rarely made it to management so most teams were led by neurotypicals with little tolerance for our needs.

Luckily if there is a diagnosis then there is more protection in the workplace now - not a lot to be honest but more than we had before so it is a step in the right direction.

Maybe some neurodivergence awareness may be added to management training in the future - let us hope this comes to pass.

Of course! That’s why I specified what I do as it might not apply for every job/ everyone. Probably a mixture of both is most realistic- get some skills to better communicate/ make it work and try to find somewhere where the environment is reasonable :) i think science might be a bit of a unique scenario- so many undiagnosed autistic individuals so if you are lucky you can work with colleagues that are very likeminded. But also lots of very toxic environments etc. 

Ann :) said:

I think it is better to find a work place where less masking is needed.

This would be an ideal case scenario, but I know of so few people who ever found such an employer that it seemed more sensible to give the son the skills to be able to exist in the workplace.

This is what the vast majority of those on this site who have a job have done and while it is not easy, it is an accessible route to getting and keeping a job.

Once the OP has given some more details we can refine the advice to meet their sons situation, or better still is the son can come on the site and ask for himself then he can empower himself and give us a clearer of his abilities, needs, wants and situation.

I should specify that I am a scientist working/studying in a research lab 

At least this is what worked for me- over the years those places where I flourished was when I could be myself and was respected and accepted for who I am

I don’t know- I’m not sure forcing yourself to communicate in a way that doesn’t come naturally is the solution- it will likely lead to lots of masking, exhaustion and burnout. I think it is better to find a work place where less masking is needed. It should be a two way effort- it’s not just up to autistic people to conform but the manager and colleagues at work should also be a little understanding.

I’m 27 and autistic- it can be hard to cope with working life- I am studying again now though. If you give some more detail I might be able to better understand the struggles. The one thing I can say is that it is so important to be in a good supportive environment at work or university- it changes everything and if the environment or people are not right and it can’t be made better then sometimes the only way to improve things is to find a different work or study place. I had some bad experiences in the past and had a really bad experience for the first year of my current PhD - I still wanted to try and make it work but I’m unable to continue now (lab closing etc) but I think it is a blessing in disguise - I was not respected, didn’t feel understood or connected and it was really hard to work with my supervisor- i felt misunderstood and discriminated against at times and powerless to make my project progress as I had very little freedom to give my opinion and take matters into my hands. It has been hard to accept I can’t continue but I also feel so much happier not having to deal with my supervisor anymore and I have prioritised a supportive supervisor and environment for my new PhD position even though it means going overseas and lot of uncertainty- I’m actually excited about this change !! I worked with this supervisor before and had a really good time and it just shows how important the environment is. 

You also mention it is hard to live with your son- why? I think it’s not uncommon- my mum and I were super close but when I briefly lived with her again after university, it was a disaster- I think sometimes when children grow up, it can be good to have some space to become independent and moving out can be really positive- my mum and I are now much closer again - we didn’t speak for almost a year after our failed living together again attempt. I think it was really hard for her to see me struggle as I was going through a hard time and because it was my mum, it made me pull myself together less and I think I somehow wanted her to fix things but of course she couldn’t. Then I also wanted to be left alone at same time etc and it was just really difficult for both of us. I think it can help to be away from parents and to get independence- it is a hard step but i think it can be very good. Would that be an option? 

Yeh this seems common going by the many various posts from parents like yourself who experience these things with their children. I am not a parent however I am autistic and same age category as your son. So I would say what works for me. I go to groups and meet others. Also I like going to the football maybe suggest for your son to go to the matches.

NAS66084 said:

he just cant cope with the working world anymore

Can you tell us specifically what he struggles with? That should give us something to work with for advice.

Communication skills can be learned but he has to work at it. A good start is this book:

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
ISBN: 9781941765388

There are also a few good books on working skills for autists (or people with Aspergers as a slightly older term is used):

An Aspie's Guide to Getting and Keeping a Job - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501303

Helping Adults with Asperger's Syndrome Get & Stay Hired - Barbara Bissonnette (2015)
ISBN 9781849057547

Reading all this and working to apply what is learned is not easy but well worth the effort - I would suggest getting your some to setup a timetable to read and apply this stuff and report to you each evening on progress.

You would also be useful for role playing situations to help then get some practice on what they learn.