Lonely

I just saw your post. I hope it’s not too late to wish you happy birthday and a good friend around. I have felt this way for very long time, although I was physically not alone, but alienated and lonely. I saw here some people post suggestions about group meetings. Maybe you can try. For me it’s impossible as I’m living in another country so I can be here only online 

Happy belated birthday. X

I'm really sorry you had no one around you on your birthday. It's hard, very hard. I can understand as I go through similar every year, I'm alone, my ex is gone and every day is more less just me on my own.

You are not alone in your struggles, and there are people who care about you, this thread shows that.

Wishing you strength and comfort during this challenging time. I hope things will improve for you soon. 

I've only just seen this. If it's not too late to say it now, happy birthday!

Thank you! :-)

I hope you are well and doing ok. And, also that your low days are few and far between, at the very least,

Thank you! :-)

I hope you are having a good day

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!  I'm recently divorced and late diagnosed also, I'm alone too and know those low days well.  I hope you find some joy today!

NAS94366 said:

3. I do understand what you are saying.

When couples have friends then the friends tend to treat the couple as a unit so when a split happens then they tend to remain friends with one or other of the couple, but rarely both.

Your contact with friends sounds similar to me and even my immediate family. I can happily go a year without speaking to my brothers.

My best friend from childhood I lost contact with in the late 80s when I started travelling for work and ended up married - we caught up again almost 20 years later when I found him on LinkedIn and it was like we had last seen each other the week before - it felt so natural.

I guess when it comes to making friends it will depend on what you want that friendship to look like. If you want someone you chat with now and again then a Whatsapp connection can provide that and it gives you a wide range of sources, but if you are looking for someone to come over and spend the evening watching TV and eating snacks with then the pool suddenly narrows significantly.

Your age group have mostly settled into their own groups already and additions / changes are rare so it may take something like a dating app to arrange some meetings to find someone looking for the same things as you (some even just do friendhip) and take a relaxed approach to it.

Being a single parent will bring its own challenges which I lack the experience to help with, but it may be worth hosting some get-togethers if you can persuade any others to come along. Providing food and especially some booze will often help.

Enjoy the rest of your birthday.

Thank you!

I hope yours is good whenever it is. I know it sounds bad, but I am glad to know I am not alone in feeling this way.

Yes, it is tricky knowing how to navigate making new friends. As I said to Iain above, I don't know how to make that next step...

I hope you have/find some good people around you too :-)

I understand you are being honest and upfront about it and I do appreciate the time you have taken to reply to my post with such detail.

To reply:

1. I do try to make connections with people. I am the one parent who will speak with the most others at the pick-up and drop-off times. I know most of them (on a surface level at the moment - my son is new to the school) and do try to chat when possible. Other parents will just stand there quietly on the edges of the playground and/or seem too busy or uninterested/shy to chat, which is fair enough. I chat to whoever seems willing and do occasionally suggest we "get the kids together" over the holidays to the ones my son is closer with.

The reference to people not wanting to be around me is more of a historic one with my family having been disconnected and seeming to leave me to my own devices as a child/teen and adult. I also make an effort with the two friends I do have e.g. I contact them first often times and hear no reply for weeks at a time from one of them. I do have a cousin who I am still in touch with but same story there.

2. The two friends I do have are ones I made outside of the previous relationship. The one I was "allowed" to have and the other I made as we were splitting up.

3. I do understand what you are saying. I did try to make connections during the relationship. Unfortunately, my ex-partner was abusive to me (convicted - that's why we split) and made me very isolated from friends and family alike.

I have been taking it slowly to make new friends (9m) but, nothing has transpired as of yet, really. I am not even sure how long it takes people to make a friend. Everyone has their own lives to live and I don't want to be pushy...not sure how to navigate the "next step" of meeting as friends and not just seeing each other at the school times/kids parties etc.

I am already in therapy and have been for the last 8 months or so. I have joined some "interest" groups but those are online.

My son has not been feeling well this weekend so, no chance of going out for a meal, I don't drink alcohol (plus I am on my own with my son). I may watch a movie once my son is asleep.

Thank you for the reply.

NAS94366 said:

I sometimes (like today) wonder why I have noone and why noone wants be around me.

Some of what I say me be blunt but I prefer to not sugar coat things. No offence is intended.

1 - do you make an effort to be friends with others and spend time socialising with them. If not, why would you expect others to treat you differently to how you treat them.

2 - Do you have many friends from outside your previous relationship? "shared" friends will often side with one or other of a couple when they split up and if your partner is neurotypical then they probably got more people sympathetic to him.

3 - the co-dependence you mentioned with your partner often leads to outside friends being kept distant. It also makes the loneliness feel more profound when you were so close.

That about sums up the "why" and leaves you with a decision to make. Do you want it to change?

If so you need to find a way to make friends again and this may involve getting some therapy as you may not have processed all of the relationship ending grief, plus the therapist can help you get into the right mindset to get back out there.

I would start with some light social contact - maybe other mum groups in your area, go to places that relate to any of your special interests, try reconnecting with old friends and do a little dating just to get out and chat (best to let the partners know you are not ready for more at this stage - unless you do want some mindless carnal fun for the hell of it).

Afte some time of the light touch approach you can decide if any feel like worth extending into friendship. Don't dive in, be too intense or push for this - autists have a tendency to get intense quickly and this rarely works out well. Be patient.

Here endeth the lesson

Since it is your birthday then go do something for you - maybe go for a meal, have a drink or binge watch your favourite films, order some sex toys - something to make it special for you.

I'm so sorry to hear you're alone on such a special day. I know we don't know each other but happy birthday angel ^-^ I have always found birthdays difficult myself and they have become a traumatic day for me, so I understand how you might be feeling. Sending love and birthday hugs from Nottingham <3 I hope it gets easier to make friends in person as you learn more about your autistic identity. Currently I am in a similar position where I don't understand the mechanics of friendship at all and I have only recently been diagnosed (about two months ago) so I have much to learn and I hope we both find the right friends and community to surround ourselves with :)