Lonely

NAS94366 said:

I sometimes (like today) wonder why I have noone and why noone wants be around me.

Some of what I say me be blunt but I prefer to not sugar coat things. No offence is intended.

1 - do you make an effort to be friends with others and spend time socialising with them. If not, why would you expect others to treat you differently to how you treat them.

2 - Do you have many friends from outside your previous relationship? "shared" friends will often side with one or other of a couple when they split up and if your partner is neurotypical then they probably got more people sympathetic to him.

3 - the co-dependence you mentioned with your partner often leads to outside friends being kept distant. It also makes the loneliness feel more profound when you were so close.

That about sums up the "why" and leaves you with a decision to make. Do you want it to change?

If so you need to find a way to make friends again and this may involve getting some therapy as you may not have processed all of the relationship ending grief, plus the therapist can help you get into the right mindset to get back out there.

I would start with some light social contact - maybe other mum groups in your area, go to places that relate to any of your special interests, try reconnecting with old friends and do a little dating just to get out and chat (best to let the partners know you are not ready for more at this stage - unless you do want some mindless carnal fun for the hell of it).

Afte some time of the light touch approach you can decide if any feel like worth extending into friendship. Don't dive in, be too intense or push for this - autists have a tendency to get intense quickly and this rarely works out well. Be patient.

Here endeth the lesson

Since it is your birthday then go do something for you - maybe go for a meal, have a drink or binge watch your favourite films, order some sex toys - something to make it special for you.

NAS94366 said:

I sometimes (like today) wonder why I have noone and why noone wants be around me.

Some of what I say me be blunt but I prefer to not sugar coat things. No offence is intended.

1 - do you make an effort to be friends with others and spend time socialising with them. If not, why would you expect others to treat you differently to how you treat them.

2 - Do you have many friends from outside your previous relationship? "shared" friends will often side with one or other of a couple when they split up and if your partner is neurotypical then they probably got more people sympathetic to him.

3 - the co-dependence you mentioned with your partner often leads to outside friends being kept distant. It also makes the loneliness feel more profound when you were so close.

That about sums up the "why" and leaves you with a decision to make. Do you want it to change?

If so you need to find a way to make friends again and this may involve getting some therapy as you may not have processed all of the relationship ending grief, plus the therapist can help you get into the right mindset to get back out there.

I would start with some light social contact - maybe other mum groups in your area, go to places that relate to any of your special interests, try reconnecting with old friends and do a little dating just to get out and chat (best to let the partners know you are not ready for more at this stage - unless you do want some mindless carnal fun for the hell of it).

Afte some time of the light touch approach you can decide if any feel like worth extending into friendship. Don't dive in, be too intense or push for this - autists have a tendency to get intense quickly and this rarely works out well. Be patient.

Here endeth the lesson

Since it is your birthday then go do something for you - maybe go for a meal, have a drink or binge watch your favourite films, order some sex toys - something to make it special for you.

I understand you are being honest and upfront about it and I do appreciate the time you have taken to reply to my post with such detail.

To reply:

1. I do try to make connections with people. I am the one parent who will speak with the most others at the pick-up and drop-off times. I know most of them (on a surface level at the moment - my son is new to the school) and do try to chat when possible. Other parents will just stand there quietly on the edges of the playground and/or seem too busy or uninterested/shy to chat, which is fair enough. I chat to whoever seems willing and do occasionally suggest we "get the kids together" over the holidays to the ones my son is closer with.

The reference to people not wanting to be around me is more of a historic one with my family having been disconnected and seeming to leave me to my own devices as a child/teen and adult. I also make an effort with the two friends I do have e.g. I contact them first often times and hear no reply for weeks at a time from one of them. I do have a cousin who I am still in touch with but same story there.

2. The two friends I do have are ones I made outside of the previous relationship. The one I was "allowed" to have and the other I made as we were splitting up.

3. I do understand what you are saying. I did try to make connections during the relationship. Unfortunately, my ex-partner was abusive to me (convicted - that's why we split) and made me very isolated from friends and family alike.

I have been taking it slowly to make new friends (9m) but, nothing has transpired as of yet, really. I am not even sure how long it takes people to make a friend. Everyone has their own lives to live and I don't want to be pushy...not sure how to navigate the "next step" of meeting as friends and not just seeing each other at the school times/kids parties etc.

I am already in therapy and have been for the last 8 months or so. I have joined some "interest" groups but those are online.

My son has not been feeling well this weekend so, no chance of going out for a meal, I don't drink alcohol (plus I am on my own with my son). I may watch a movie once my son is asleep.

Thank you for the reply.