Sometimes I regret

Perhaps the trick would be to just accept yourself and let your happiness for that which you are be what you lead with, even if you are not understood, or even understand yourself. Being understood is somewhat like a game of charades for everyone anyway.

You are enough, just right, just as you are. "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken" as Oscar Wilde said.

Lots of times we reach for stasis in the hopes of release from time space dynamics, but they are the whole kit and caboodle of life.

In this no one is alone nor can they escape - and it's reality's finest selling point. 

It may, in the end, not matter if you can label that which you are, just that you celebrate that which you are and discover your most authentic self and all you have to offer this wonderful world and what it can offer you.

It's all here waiting at your feet for you to just engage with it and share it's joyous beauty!

If you didn't have the knowlege of being an aspie, would you then be worrying about why you wern't like everyone else and having an entirely different identity crisis and imposter syndrome?

Roy said:

I’m never alone, there’s a constant conversation going on in my head about subjects I enjoy

Absolutely same here! 
For me realizing that I’m autistic is also a huge relief. Finally after 35 years of my life I received manual for myself. Now I know why I’m so poor in small talk, why o can’t have normal back and forth conversation in a group, or even one person if the topic is not interesting for me. I also know why I always felt like others have a secret language hidden behind words that only they understood but I couldn’t. And finally I accepted the fact, that I will never be popular or have many friends, for various reasons. One of them is my inability to enjoy or even attend events such as concerts, parties etc. 

i always wondered that it’s some kind of mistake that I’m here, that my life does not make any sense like for example I have good linguistic skills and poor social skills, which made me impossible to use my skills and knowledge on life. I always hear that there is something wrong with me because with this knowledge, skills and degree I should have made a good career and earn good money. Now it’s clear. I’m still happy and lucky to be able to work and hopefully I will hold down the job I have now. 

Happiness is a fleeting internal momentary reaction, it's not meant to last :)

And imposter syndrome isn't the same a a sense of disconnectedness or a lack of belonging. It's not the same as being naïve or unsure of the self. 

Everything you're feeling is normal for all of us. The human condition is riddled with highs and lows and finding where one belongs. Erich Fromm talks about this in his Revolution of Hope. Timeless words. What's different is a thought-process in hyper mode. Perhaps this process could be useful in other ways? I notice myself critically evaluating and problem solving in ways which aren't helpful when I haven't had time to stick my head into philosophical thought well beyond my pay grade... thankfully, there is more to learn than one can in a lifetime. But we do live in a time where every online immersion is demanding we continually evaluate one item: ME. It's very ego-centric!

From what I understand, and due to a difference in communication, all autistics should have a sense of difficulty understanding personal identity. Why we even must have one is slightly overrated. When Jung created his Archetypes and psychology introduced personality types, it was for better connexion, better understanding of differences and potential for being, even for careers. x

Sometimes knowing about our condition can be a double-edged sword. It's like, on one hand, we have this insight that helps us navigate the world better, but on the other hand, it can lead to these moments of doubt and questioning. It's tough. But remember all the progress you've made. That's huge!

We seem to mourn for the person we were or could have been, acceptance is one of the stages. To be honest if I hadn’t realised I’m autistic, I most probably wouldn’t still be here, I had worked out my exit plan. Finally knowing what it is has changed my life for the better, with a few adjustments I seem to muddle on okay. Having time alone is my biggest change, people have said that I must get lonely, I never tell them the truth, I’m never alone, there’s a constant conversation going on in my head about subjects I enjoy.

So true! 

Thank you, yes it makes me cry, when I see and hear that for someone it’s trendy. I think for myself I would like to scream: “you want this trendy?! Then take it together with my struggles, stress, anxiety, being abused and rejected” yes I also know that the signs are obvious like the sun rising every morning, but still the moment comes “what if I’m wrong?” But as far as I know even officially diagnosed autists suffer from imposter. At least since I know my condition I stopped crying and wondering what’s wrong with me and why I can’t do things that others do seemingly easy and naturally. 

Exactly!

So well put! In a day of perfect solitude and indoors-ness I can feel very imposter-y at times, though the unfocussed pottering and rapid loss of 'productive' time  is probably a tell. But once in work, or out in the world in general, there the truth is - with varying degrees of intensity and, when at its worst - which doesn't take too much - my autistic wiring is the most certain thing in the universe. 

I think often our brains need something to chew on and it'll find anything and everything! Sometimes it does feel "too good to be true" but there's a lot of work which has gone into getting there. 

Hi, sorry you are struggling today, I’ve thought about work and often wondered ‘what if’? I sometimes see other peoples lives on social media who I went to school with, I often wonder why I haven’t progressed like they have. The truth is I would have struggled with anxiety and I just take longer to do things . People are just too much. I’ve often reflected on my life and thought there’s no way I’m not autistic, all the signs were there. The doubt then sets in, not having people accept I’m autistic doesn’t help. People seem to think it’s trendy at the moment as so many people are identifying as autistic. We know it’s not trendy having a brain that doesn’t always behave it’s self.

Today is very unsettling as it’s a bank holiday here, the day is too different. Hope your soon feeling more positive.

Thank you for your answer! You gave me a lot of relief with your answer. 

Thank you for your answer! Yes, you are right! And my set up is much better because I found out the cause of my struggles in life! Such an annoying thing - when I’m  better, i keep struggling for another reason. Like we really can’t stop and just relax. But your answer relaxed me quite much. Yes, I feel good at work, I have predictable tasks with clear procedures, very little contact with people and routine that is suitable for me. So this way I don’t have to be in constant stress like I used to be. 

I feel, on knowing, at the very least, the confusion of life is somewhat reduced. I would possibly say, if you are feeling a level of imposter syndrome,  this could indicate you have got a reasonably good set up for yourself. It's when our set up / environment is not suitable,  we can have more difficulties which means our "condition" is then more obvious. I'm saying our levels of difficulty fluctuate. When you're in a really bad place, there's no question about it, when life is a bit smoother, one can feel an imposter.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm not feeling terribly well today so can't put together the words I'd like to to help you feel better, or at least exorcise imposter syndrome like you deserve to be able to (for imposter syndrome is itself the real imposter). If you've found yourself (as I have) in the improbable and fortunate position of a job that you won't burn out in, that keeps you happy, that you'd like to remain in without judgement or some intuited sense of judgemental 'shoulds' from others who'll never understand, then please let that bring you inner peace and don't feel guilty for a second about it. I'm talking to myself here too, of course...