Published on 12, July, 2020
Today I feel somehow sad, somehow out of place, I feel like maybe it would be much better to not know… to not be aware and not identify as an aspie. In fact this knowledge and advice from this forum helped me improve my well-being, helped me decrease my anxiety, helped me deal with situations which cause me stress. All this is very useful for me. But sometimes self doubt and identity crisis is exhausting. This is the price. Looks like I’m not supposed to just relax and be fully happy. Maybe it’s not given to anyone. But today I’m sitting in the cafeteria and wondering how I would be if I didn’t know. Would I have this job, that I actually like and enjoy, or would I end up again as a customer service assistant and suffer from anxiety and overwhelm like before. Just wanted to share some thoughts. Today I feel like I shouldn’t be here like I don’t deserve it although I love this place. I know that imposter is pretty common among us. i wish you all a good day.
Hi, sorry you are struggling today, I’ve thought about work and often wondered ‘what if’? I sometimes see other peoples lives on social media who I went to school with, I often wonder why I haven’t progressed like they have. The truth is I would have struggled with anxiety and I just take longer to do things . People are just too much. I’ve often reflected on my life and thought there’s no way I’m not autistic, all the signs were there. The doubt then sets in, not having people accept I’m autistic doesn’t help. People seem to think it’s trendy at the moment as so many people are identifying as autistic. We know it’s not trendy having a brain that doesn’t always behave it’s self.
Today is very unsettling as it’s a bank holiday here, the day is too different. Hope your soon feeling more positive.
Thank you, yes it makes me cry, when I see and hear that for someone it’s trendy. I think for myself I would like to scream: “you want this trendy?! Then take it together with my struggles, stress, anxiety, being abused and rejected” yes I also know that the signs are obvious like the sun rising every morning, but still the moment comes “what if I’m wrong?” But as far as I know even officially diagnosed autists suffer from imposter. At least since I know my condition I stopped crying and wondering what’s wrong with me and why I can’t do things that others do seemingly easy and naturally.
We seem to mourn for the person we were or could have been, acceptance is one of the stages. To be honest if I hadn’t realised I’m autistic, I most probably wouldn’t still be here, I had worked out my exit plan. Finally knowing what it is has changed my life for the better, with a few adjustments I seem to muddle on okay. Having time alone is my biggest change, people have said that I must get lonely, I never tell them the truth, I’m never alone, there’s a constant conversation going on in my head about subjects I enjoy.
Roy said:I’m never alone, there’s a constant conversation going on in my head about subjects I enjoy
Absolutely same here! For me realizing that I’m autistic is also a huge relief. Finally after 35 years of my life I received manual for myself. Now I know why I’m so poor in small talk, why o can’t have normal back and forth conversation in a group, or even one person if the topic is not interesting for me. I also know why I always felt like others have a secret language hidden behind words that only they understood but I couldn’t. And finally I accepted the fact, that I will never be popular or have many friends, for various reasons. One of them is my inability to enjoy or even attend events such as concerts, parties etc.
i always wondered that it’s some kind of mistake that I’m here, that my life does not make any sense like for example I have good linguistic skills and poor social skills, which made me impossible to use my skills and knowledge on life. I always hear that there is something wrong with me because with this knowledge, skills and degree I should have made a good career and earn good money. Now it’s clear. I’m still happy and lucky to be able to work and hopefully I will hold down the job I have now.