My Terrible behavior

Thank you. After deep analysis and watching video about meltdowns in autism… I think it was my fear of not knowing where are all of my things and fear that I may need them and I can’t find them. This frustration went out of control plus stress from school also played a role when my whole nervous system was on high alert mode for whole day because of the noise there. So this could be some sort of meltdown. I didn’t do it deliberately or to force anything my way. It was just me unable to have control and cope with the situation. After that I trembled and cried a lot and I was ashamed and ridiculed by my family. 

Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about this? They might be able to help you uncover the root causes and develop even more effective coping strategies. And you never know, you might find that others have experienced similar things and can offer valuable insights or support.

I feel the same way and I have a hard time deal with it  and I wish Icould fix it so I can feel better in life

It isn't funny at all. My family have a tendency to ridicule me over my past difficulties, as if I had any control or say in what actions I committed. It isn't our fault our brains are not wired up the same way as normal folk, we have to live with what life has given us. 

In a way, I see our situation like a difficulty setting in a video game. Whilst "normal" is for the normal, those with physical or mental difficulties are immediately on the "hard" option with everything randomised.

People will just never understand the hardships that these problems come with. But I'd say that these difficulties are what make us stronger, more determined, and more resilient. We are tough stuff. 

Thank you for your answer. Im not sure what you mean by „this seems normal”. My family definitely does not think it’s normal, but I’ve never shared it with anyone else other than here, because I’m so ashamed of it. Is this normal for autistic or generally neurodivergent people or generally normal?

Thank you, in my case I have no place where I could take the energy out, so I just avoid the trigger as much as I can. What hurts generally is lack of empathy and understanding from my family. They just laugh on it, on me how stupid I was. Maybe I wasn’t stupid but not coping with the problems. 

I feel for you... This seems normal. We mature slower due to the communication difference and often encounter nothing but Absolute Frustration both internally and externally. Most of us might feel like we're capable of things we've yet to grow into, often not getting the correct education on a simple matter due to a lack of compassion for what can be a difficulty in even balance, function, and so on.

As a baby becomes a toddler, it learns to walk. But slowly. And filter out whatever it doesn't need to perform what it does. Often, we cannot filter out the world around and focus. Worse yet, everything has an intense impact, demanding an intense emotional response. The list goes on. We're often not shown how to focus consciously on a task at hand and finish it or not helped to learn in an uninterrupted immersive flow because who would think this is enjoyable? Many NT's are just as easily distracted as our ADHD friends and don't like 'sameness' because they're wired to better predict the world around them. And here's the second barrier to get around. What we become used to is nothing is where it should be, and this interrupts a flow. We forget where we were and then 2 hours or 10 days or a month later recall. So naturally, one becomes hyper-vigilant. 

I have had similar experiences when young, always having trouble finding the word I needed to articulate what my imagination could clearly see. Others with little patience irritated at me. The world around simply cruel if you cannot keep up. Cruel if you cannot mirror because then you appear offensive. Cruel if you want to fit in (too needy), cruel if you're too intense... and so on.

Stress, frustration, a profound lack of empathy. It doesn't make for good memories. I'm sorry you went through this. But there is a collective here who understands. x

I had (and in some cases, still have) similar experiences with regards to reaction. For me, it's a coping mechanism, when the situation becomes too much to handle, I go into a sort of brain crash where my energy balloons suddenly, to the point where it is virtually uncontrollable.

In my adult days, I leave the room and take my energy levels out in inanimate objects, and myself to some degree. It hurts, but at least nobody else is getting hurt. But it's the only way I am able to release the outburst.

Many folk are able to vent the anger in a more manageable way, because they get the chance to. But for myself, it hits so fast I barely get a chance to divert the powerful wave, so the only way I can is through other means.