Published on 12, July, 2020
Recently in a conversation with my sister a topic came out. It actually triggered my bad memories. My sister laughed at my terrible behavior from my childhood and teens. I’m not gonna dwell on how traumatic that felt to me, but I’m just curious, if anyone knows why I could have actually had such outbursts. I had either angry outbursts after coming back from school, I threw things, swore, cried or I sat in a corner and sobbed loudly. I couldn’t even say, why. Maybe reaction to stress after school, maybe something else. The worst thing is that everyday once a day I had to check if my belongings are on their places. If something was missing, I got nervous and started searching that thing fervently even if I didn’t need it. If I couldn’t find it within few minutes, my stress got so high, I couldn’t stand the thing that something is missing. Then I lost control over myself and started screaming, squeaking, swearing through clenched teeth, throwing and breaking things. I had a terrible flow of power, often I also pulled my own hair or hit myself. I recall it like kinda through a fog. It lasted few minutes because I had no more energy but it always took me long time, the rest of the day to recover. Even if I had a nap after that, it didn’t help. I know from conversations with my parents that my behavior was completely immature, idiotic and I know that they used to lock me alone in the room till they heard silence. I don’t experience such things anymore because I avoid checking on my things and their places if I don’t need them. If I get so upset that I can’t find something then I just leave and breathe deeply and stem to calm down to avoid having tantrum in front of my daughter. The main question is, has anyone any idea what really could have caused this kind of behavior and what it actually was? Temper tantrum? But I didn’t do it to get anything my way, it was rather a frustration or too much stress. Any thoughts will be appreciated. Maybe someone had similar experience?
I had (and in some cases, still have) similar experiences with regards to reaction. For me, it's a coping mechanism, when the situation becomes too much to handle, I go into a sort of brain crash where my energy balloons suddenly, to the point where it is virtually uncontrollable.
In my adult days, I leave the room and take my energy levels out in inanimate objects, and myself to some degree. It hurts, but at least nobody else is getting hurt. But it's the only way I am able to release the outburst.
Many folk are able to vent the anger in a more manageable way, because they get the chance to. But for myself, it hits so fast I barely get a chance to divert the powerful wave, so the only way I can is through other means.
Thank you, in my case I have no place where I could take the energy out, so I just avoid the trigger as much as I can. What hurts generally is lack of empathy and understanding from my family. They just laugh on it, on me how stupid I was. Maybe I wasn’t stupid but not coping with the problems.
It isn't funny at all. My family have a tendency to ridicule me over my past difficulties, as if I had any control or say in what actions I committed. It isn't our fault our brains are not wired up the same way as normal folk, we have to live with what life has given us.
In a way, I see our situation like a difficulty setting in a video game. Whilst "normal" is for the normal, those with physical or mental difficulties are immediately on the "hard" option with everything randomised.
People will just never understand the hardships that these problems come with. But I'd say that these difficulties are what make us stronger, more determined, and more resilient. We are tough stuff.
Yeah I see people who own a house and everything and their life is like the sims but my life feels like dark souls