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My Terrible behavior

Alien0n3arth

Recently in a conversation with my sister a topic came out. It actually triggered my bad memories. My sister laughed at my terrible behavior from my childhood and teens. I’m not gonna dwell on how traumatic that felt to me, but I’m just curious, if anyone knows why I could have actually had such outbursts. 
I had either angry outbursts after coming back from school, I threw things, swore, cried or I sat in a corner and sobbed loudly. I couldn’t even say, why. Maybe reaction to stress after school, maybe something else. The worst thing is that everyday once a day I had to check if my belongings are on their places. If something was missing, I got nervous and started searching that thing fervently even if I didn’t need it. If I couldn’t find it within few minutes, my stress got so high, I couldn’t stand the thing that something is missing. Then I lost control over myself and started screaming, squeaking, swearing through clenched teeth, throwing and breaking things. I had a terrible flow of power, often I also pulled my own hair or hit myself. I recall it like kinda through a fog. It lasted few minutes because I had no more energy but it always took me long time, the rest of the day to recover. Even if I had a nap after that, it didn’t help. I know from conversations with my parents that my behavior was completely immature, idiotic and I know that they used to lock me alone in the room till they heard silence. I don’t experience such things anymore because I avoid checking on my things and their places if I don’t need them. If I get so upset that I can’t find something then I just leave and breathe deeply and stem to calm down to avoid having tantrum in front of my daughter. The main question is, has anyone any idea what really could have caused this kind of behavior and what it actually was? Temper tantrum? But I didn’t do it to get anything my way, it was rather a frustration or too much stress. 
Any thoughts will be appreciated. Maybe someone had similar experience?

Parents

  • I feel for you... This seems normal. We mature slower due to the communication difference and often encounter nothing but Absolute Frustration both internally and externally. Most of us might feel like we're capable of things we've yet to grow into, often not getting the correct education on a simple matter due to a lack of compassion for what can be a difficulty in even balance, function, and so on.

    As a baby becomes a toddler, it learns to walk. But slowly. And filter out whatever it doesn't need to perform what it does. Often, we cannot filter out the world around and focus. Worse yet, everything has an intense impact, demanding an intense emotional response. The list goes on. We're often not shown how to focus consciously on a task at hand and finish it or not helped to learn in an uninterrupted immersive flow because who would think this is enjoyable? Many NT's are just as easily distracted as our ADHD friends and don't like 'sameness' because they're wired to better predict the world around them. And here's the second barrier to get around. What we become used to is nothing is where it should be, and this interrupts a flow. We forget where we were and then 2 hours or 10 days or a month later recall. So naturally, one becomes hyper-vigilant. 

    I have had similar experiences when young, always having trouble finding the word I needed to articulate what my imagination could clearly see. Others with little patience irritated at me. The world around simply cruel if you cannot keep up. Cruel if you cannot mirror because then you appear offensive. Cruel if you want to fit in (too needy), cruel if you're too intense... and so on.

    Stress, frustration, a profound lack of empathy. It doesn't make for good memories. I'm sorry you went through this. But there is a collective here who understands. x

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  • I feel for you... This seems normal. We mature slower due to the communication difference and often encounter nothing but Absolute Frustration both internally and externally. Most of us might feel like we're capable of things we've yet to grow into, often not getting the correct education on a simple matter due to a lack of compassion for what can be a difficulty in even balance, function, and so on.

    As a baby becomes a toddler, it learns to walk. But slowly. And filter out whatever it doesn't need to perform what it does. Often, we cannot filter out the world around and focus. Worse yet, everything has an intense impact, demanding an intense emotional response. The list goes on. We're often not shown how to focus consciously on a task at hand and finish it or not helped to learn in an uninterrupted immersive flow because who would think this is enjoyable? Many NT's are just as easily distracted as our ADHD friends and don't like 'sameness' because they're wired to better predict the world around them. And here's the second barrier to get around. What we become used to is nothing is where it should be, and this interrupts a flow. We forget where we were and then 2 hours or 10 days or a month later recall. So naturally, one becomes hyper-vigilant. 

    I have had similar experiences when young, always having trouble finding the word I needed to articulate what my imagination could clearly see. Others with little patience irritated at me. The world around simply cruel if you cannot keep up. Cruel if you cannot mirror because then you appear offensive. Cruel if you want to fit in (too needy), cruel if you're too intense... and so on.

    Stress, frustration, a profound lack of empathy. It doesn't make for good memories. I'm sorry you went through this. But there is a collective here who understands. x

Children