Published on 12, July, 2020
Recently in a conversation with my sister a topic came out. It actually triggered my bad memories. My sister laughed at my terrible behavior from my childhood and teens. I’m not gonna dwell on how traumatic that felt to me, but I’m just curious, if anyone knows why I could have actually had such outbursts. I had either angry outbursts after coming back from school, I threw things, swore, cried or I sat in a corner and sobbed loudly. I couldn’t even say, why. Maybe reaction to stress after school, maybe something else. The worst thing is that everyday once a day I had to check if my belongings are on their places. If something was missing, I got nervous and started searching that thing fervently even if I didn’t need it. If I couldn’t find it within few minutes, my stress got so high, I couldn’t stand the thing that something is missing. Then I lost control over myself and started screaming, squeaking, swearing through clenched teeth, throwing and breaking things. I had a terrible flow of power, often I also pulled my own hair or hit myself. I recall it like kinda through a fog. It lasted few minutes because I had no more energy but it always took me long time, the rest of the day to recover. Even if I had a nap after that, it didn’t help. I know from conversations with my parents that my behavior was completely immature, idiotic and I know that they used to lock me alone in the room till they heard silence. I don’t experience such things anymore because I avoid checking on my things and their places if I don’t need them. If I get so upset that I can’t find something then I just leave and breathe deeply and stem to calm down to avoid having tantrum in front of my daughter. The main question is, has anyone any idea what really could have caused this kind of behavior and what it actually was? Temper tantrum? But I didn’t do it to get anything my way, it was rather a frustration or too much stress. Any thoughts will be appreciated. Maybe someone had similar experience?
Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about this? They might be able to help you uncover the root causes and develop even more effective coping strategies. And you never know, you might find that others have experienced similar things and can offer valuable insights or support.
Thank you. After deep analysis and watching video about meltdowns in autism… I think it was my fear of not knowing where are all of my things and fear that I may need them and I can’t find them. This frustration went out of control plus stress from school also played a role when my whole nervous system was on high alert mode for whole day because of the noise there. So this could be some sort of meltdown. I didn’t do it deliberately or to force anything my way. It was just me unable to have control and cope with the situation. After that I trembled and cried a lot and I was ashamed and ridiculed by my family.