Looking for advice here. ND folks keep hearing words, sentences and meanings that I never said at all or ever intended. Telling them they're mistaken or they're jumping to conclusions, explaining what I actually mean, using my words more literally... None of these solutions work. If anything it just gets them more angry. Does anyone here know how to go about conversations in a more I suppose mechanical sort of way? One where they won't hear anything more than what I'm actually saying?
Everyone can use a good therapist's tool, which is repeating back what the other is saying, "what I think I heard you say was ... am I hearing this right?"
Ideally, the goal is to invite conversation rather than ignite defensiveness. So, use words which take responsibility for my side of things. Instead of saying You are mistaken, try, how can I explain this better or how can I help create understanding. Or help me understand what I said just now so I can clarify.
The goal isn't to be neutral, but actively vulnerable, as appropriate to the relationship. By this I mean open & a way of being true to the self and others - not holding back and also not attacking. But this also requires communicating with kindness. If things are getting overwhelming, pausing the conversation and making sure the other knows you need a break to regroup, that you genuinely want to work through this and that they're worth sorting this out with.
One of the most difficult problems is, we live in a culture that is incredibly competitive, humans use language to dominate or dismiss. Often, words are cheap, spoken and forgotten. And it is really difficult to sometimes to convey a thing without the influence of society seeping through. Even accidentally, this is hard to escape and takes a bit of introspection.
If you can find a way to express a genuine desire to connect in a moment where things go wrong this can then facilitate better reasoning. You might find you're dealing with someone who has simply been spoken down to, over, with contempt and cruelty a little too often. And many of us simply have a great deal of frustration (accessing or understanding) vocabulary to begin with.
My life has been a continual feed of misunderstanding. Every customer service call is exhausting. Most emails aren't thoroughly read and responded to, add how long it takes me to write them so they're a little more concise. And so on...
I want to be myself more than ever. I dont want to overthink how i should or shouldnt say something. Remember we have to tolerate all different personality types, some loud overwhelming bossy quiet two faced triubke makers nosey, jealous people. We cant control them we have to tolerate them. So if i come across as direct, no mesding sort of petson, then i can live with that, because what people get is a kind, funny, moody, transpsrent person who is not just out for themselves x
Story of my life. My whole life I've got used to going into a new situation and having at least one person in a room take an instant dislike to me because of this issue. My NT pals have given me clues to why this is over the years:
- some people listen more to tone of voice than words, so no matter how nicely you talk they'll take issue with you. These NTs are baffling.
- telling people they're wrong directly may actually be unhelpful with some people - this might be why some people get angrier when you explain what you really meant, because they think you're being difficult though that's not your intention
- sometimes when there's conflict it may be more helpful to describe things using "I" sentences if your accuser is a tricky person to deal with. I.e. telling them "I was angry when you snapped at me this morning because I felt my cleaning of the tables wasn't appreciated. It would help me if you could ask me to restock the chocolate tomorrow before I clean the tables if you need me to do this"
P.S. in my experience, you can't always prevent being misunderstood. I've found that in the workplace those who have read more into what I've said, not cooperated when I've explained what I meant in a more neutral way despite the above, generally been difficult with me, have been the same people who are widely disliked by other colleagues. Difficult people tend to be more obnoxious with people who are a bit different because difficult people generally are insecure in some way and don't know what to do when they meet someone who is a little different from other people. Miscommunication happens on both sides, it's not always due to you.
It's tricky, I don't think there is an answer other than to keep trying.
I've been accused of implying or inferring stuff and I'm like erm no, if I meant that I would've said it. I had to walk away from a friendship earlier in the year were I was accused of being upset with someone, I wasn't, they were upset with me. Why they couldn't just say that is beyond me. In the end I just thought I don't have the spoons for this and have distanced myself.
To me conversation should be two way so you have to meet each other half way if one side isn't prepared to do that then there isn't a lot you can do.
You can tie yourself up in circles over this until it breaks your brain. I think the real solution is just to get friends that don’t care and understand that sometimes they are wrong conclusions about what you said.
developing thick skin is something people who deal with autistic people kind of have to do. if it seems like you’re putting an unfair mental and emotional burden on them I consider that the alternative of expecting autistic people to second-guess every word that comes out of their mouth before they say anything is a far more onerous burden.
The former merely requires people to handle their irrationally hurt feelings. The latter tends to totally isolate someone because they cannot keep up with the pace of social conversation and end up sitting in the corner paranoid about what they’re going to say and being unable to interact with people.
I too have this experience all the time! I don't know what they hear but it must be one or two words in any given dialog that they latch onto and forget the rest..Registering only those few words, they fit them into how ever they're feeling at that moment. They are not really listening just emoting. It's the closest to understanding how they think that I've come.
There's no cure I can find so when they get emotional, I retreat and say "as you like", or "of course you are right, so right I am so wrong, so wrong", or "well there it is.", or an "indeed". In short I do a Jeeves. I just let them be right. Then let silence speak for me. If they slog on I just walk away because I feel attacked at that point.
it's liberating to know I don't have to argue with someone who's not really listening anyway and who is hooked on the feeling of conflict and will forget the whole exchange in half an hour anyway, while I might otherwise be mulling and musing and struggling to puzzle out just WTF happened for days and nights.
This is all I'm sure of.
