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"Carefully Neutral" - How to Avoid Implications

Abbie

Looking for advice here. ND folks keep hearing words, sentences and meanings that I never said at all or ever intended. Telling them they're mistaken or they're jumping to conclusions, explaining what I actually mean, using my words more literally... None of these solutions work. If anything it just gets them more angry. Does anyone here know how to go about conversations in a more I suppose mechanical sort of way? One where they won't hear anything more than what I'm actually saying?

Parents

  • Story of my life. My whole life I've got used to going into a new situation and having at least one person in a room take an instant dislike to me because of this issue. My NT pals have given me clues to why this is over the years:

    - some people listen more to tone of voice than words, so no matter how nicely you talk they'll take issue with you. These NTs are baffling.

    - telling people they're wrong directly may actually be unhelpful with some people - this might be why some people get angrier when you explain what you really meant, because they think you're being difficult though that's not your intention

    - sometimes when there's conflict it may be more helpful to describe things using "I" sentences if your accuser is a tricky person to deal with. I.e. telling them "I was angry when you snapped at me this morning because I felt my cleaning of the tables wasn't appreciated. It would help me if you could ask me to restock the chocolate tomorrow before I clean the tables if you need me to do this"

    P.S. in my experience, you can't always prevent being misunderstood. I've found that in the workplace those who have read more into what I've said, not cooperated when I've explained what I meant in a more neutral way despite the above, generally been difficult with me, have been the same people who are widely disliked by other colleagues. Difficult people tend to be more obnoxious with people who are a bit different because difficult people generally are insecure in some way and don't know what to do when they meet someone who is a little different from other people. Miscommunication happens on both sides, it's not always due to you.

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  • Story of my life. My whole life I've got used to going into a new situation and having at least one person in a room take an instant dislike to me because of this issue. My NT pals have given me clues to why this is over the years:

    - some people listen more to tone of voice than words, so no matter how nicely you talk they'll take issue with you. These NTs are baffling.

    - telling people they're wrong directly may actually be unhelpful with some people - this might be why some people get angrier when you explain what you really meant, because they think you're being difficult though that's not your intention

    - sometimes when there's conflict it may be more helpful to describe things using "I" sentences if your accuser is a tricky person to deal with. I.e. telling them "I was angry when you snapped at me this morning because I felt my cleaning of the tables wasn't appreciated. It would help me if you could ask me to restock the chocolate tomorrow before I clean the tables if you need me to do this"

    P.S. in my experience, you can't always prevent being misunderstood. I've found that in the workplace those who have read more into what I've said, not cooperated when I've explained what I meant in a more neutral way despite the above, generally been difficult with me, have been the same people who are widely disliked by other colleagues. Difficult people tend to be more obnoxious with people who are a bit different because difficult people generally are insecure in some way and don't know what to do when they meet someone who is a little different from other people. Miscommunication happens on both sides, it's not always due to you.

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