My World Is Falling Apart

Hi, sorry to hear this. I don't have any advice, sadly, but please don't feel bad for posting here. This is definitely a safe space to voice these kind of thoughts. Most of us have experienced them at one time or another.

I agree with Ann about eating/nutrition. 

In terms of "failing," at work or at home, please be kind to yourself and remember you're autistic, and that makes these things much harder than for a neurotypical person. Please try to be kind to yourself, even if it's hard.

Thank you Luftmentsch. I've been in my current job for 5 years, 19 in a previous one, and I've never had to be so restrained behaviour wise. I'm waiting for an NHS assessment as nobody believes my private one, apparently I show empathy. So at work I'm awkward, weird and maybe a little too direct, and I'm not allowed to explain why. I had private done in the middle of a depressive episode and the report remarked that I had a monotone voice, which everyone knows I don't, so the diagnosis is not seen as credible. I understand the other reasons why I have to keep it secret. I'm having more and more responsibility taken from me at home, I forget to do important things and if I'm focused on drawing then that makes it harder. I've never understood who I am and now that I have a chance, it feels like I'm not permitted. This makes me feel like I'm even more wrong and broken than I had come to believe. I'm sorry I'm moaning and venting. I've lost what little sense of self I had, and I don't know what to do anymore. Again, I'm sorry for complaining,  everyone here has their struggles.

Pikl said:

I'm waiting for an NHS assessment as nobody believes my private one, apparently I show empathy.

It seems that they do not understand that autism as a spectrum condition involves lesser and greater extents of sense and sensibility ~ from the hypo to the hyper sensitive and everything in-between ~ whether that be in an empathic sense and or any other sense, and it also seems that they do not really comprehend that autistic people develop psychological and physiological health problems on account of not having been appropriately facilitated, identified or affirmed in regard to the particular uniqueness of ‘their’ autistic ‘individuality’ ~ either at school or also at work?

Pikl said:

I had private done in the middle of a depressive episode and the report remarked that I had a monotone voice, which everyone knows I don't, so the diagnosis is not seen as credible.

Monotone vocal interactions involving aptitudinal indifferences are though classic presentations of people experiencing depressive episodes or durations ~ where they feel ‘flat’ with a lack of emotional peaks, or that their ‘heart is not in it’ ~ i.e., not feeling emotionally committed to or engaged with others and or the events of life.

Was not your GP sent a copy of your diagnostic report to update your NHS records ~ as in with the NHS accepting your diagnosis from a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist, regardless of whether they are private or not?

Pikl said:

I'm having more and more responsibility taken from me at home, I forget to do important things and if I'm focused on drawing then that makes it harder.

If as it very much seems that you are somewhat overwhelmed and quite possibly caught up in a bit of negative feedback loop ~ getting progressively burnt out and therefore your restricted capacity to function diminished, it would not be much of a surprise.

Is work in itself proving to be particularly stressful, and or are you possibly going through a rough patch involving the diagnostic hangover ~ as normally lasts about four and half years or so on average?

Pikl said:

I've never understood who I am and now that I have a chance, it feels like I'm not permitted.

One of the things with social camouflaging and personal masking ~ is that when it becomes too much and people can no longer pretend to be inferior, mediocre or superior with other people, they have to lean to adjust to the mysterious confusion of their indefatigable self ~ as which is enlightening and vitalising.

Artists and creatives of all sorts tend to have more of a relation with their indefatigable self ~ as is more the case to a greater extent for autistic and other neurologically divergent people.

Pikl said:

This makes me feel like I'm even more wrong and broken than I had come to believe.

Individuality is not a crime but natural by design ~ and as such you demonstrate nothing untoward about yourself really; other than not having been adequately facilitated, identified and affirmed ~ in accordance with who you are indefatigably.

Pikl said:

I'm sorry I'm moaning and venting.

Apology so not required ~ and we thank you for facilitating this linguistic group hug and vent session.

I seem to see faces well enough, but not apply any processing power to them.

I cannot visualise a person face. When I think of a person it seems I store them as a bunch of attributes and concepts and personality etc, but no real face.

When I read a book, I get to know the characters but never see them. I find the descriptive stuff worthy of skipping over after a while of it not working for me.

I Sperg said:

Deepthought said:

‘Prosopagnosia’

I have that!! Didn't realise it until I saw it in black and white, but suddenly it came clear..

Certain quizzical memories suddenly snapped into focus... 

I do love that fact that all those nasty little mysteries that have dogged me for a half century now get explained at last, post diagnosis.

Oh my whole physical life yes ~ that is so very much the case! Once diagnostically confirmed ~ the fields of research narrow and the broadness of other people’s research and findings intersect in just the most pertinent ways, which for me last month involved ‘schizophasia’ (disorganised wording or word salad) which as you and others may or may not recall ~ I explained in terms of symbolic representation involving my avatar and background images on the ‘Forum creative space' thread.

Do you get complete face-blur like a friend of mine, or are the facial sectors (eyes, nose, mouth etcetera) more segregated and disjointed in fragmented sense ~ which I get with images until they integrally come into focus?

I Sperg said:

Deepthought said:

‘Prosopagnosia’

I have that!! Didn't realise it until I saw it in black and white, but suddenly it came clear..

Certain quizzical memories suddenly snapped into focus... 

I do love that fact that all those nasty little mysteries that have dogged me for a half century now get explained at last, post diagnosis.

Oh my whole physical life yes ~ that is so very much the case! Once diagnostically confirmed ~ the fields of research narrow and the broadness of other people’s research and findings intersect in just the most pertinent ways, which for me last month involved ‘schizophasia’ (disorganised wording) which as you and others may or may not recall I explained in terms of symbolic representation involving my avatar and background image on the ‘Forum creative space’ thread.

Do you have the complete face-blur variety of Prosopagnosia like a friend of mine, or are the facial sectors (eyes, nose, mouth etcetera) more segregated and disjointed in the fragmented sense ~ which I get with images until they integrally come into focus?

I love the concept of synchronised mess unmaking, and disorganised heap escapology. That made me smile. 

I need to do something, and soon. I'm not sure how much more of my mess I can take anymore. 

Pikl said:

Thank you so much, as always Deepthought. Your help and guidance is truly appreciated. I'm a bit of a mess at the moment and I'm grateful to you for helping me pick up the pieces. 

Well as far getting in to and out of messes, and having to pick up pieces to do so, I think are we all quite experienced at that to one extent or also the other, and getting to share in our expertise is quite reassuring either way ~ and could perhaps lead to new pass times like synchronised mess unmaking, disorganised heap escapology and midden avoidance theory etcetera. >(Grinning Emoji)<

I didn't think I'd be able to smile today, but you made it happen. Thank you

Deepthought said:

‘Prosopagnosia’

I have that!! Didn't realise it until I saw it in black and white, but suddenly it came clear..

Certain quizzical memories suddenly snapped into focus... 

I do love that fact that all those nasty little mysteries that have dogged me for a half century now get explained at last, post diagnosis.

"Pikled mess".....that sounds like a delicious Eastern European savoury dessert ?! 

Keep smiling Pikl.

Thank you so much, as always Deepthought. Your help and guidance is truly appreciated. I'm a bit of a mess at the moment and I'm grateful to you for helping me pick up the pieces. 

Pikl said:

Thank you Deepthought.

I am always glad to be of some service ~ plus it gives me good reason to provide information for everyone else too.

Pikl said:

I didn't consider contacting the psychiatrist and checking they were accepted by NHS for adults.

If the diagnosis is not accepted by the NHS, I would seriously consider getting a refund, whereas if your assessment was done in accordance with the NICE guidelines ~ which it blooming well should have been ~ you could just send a copy of your diagnostic report to your GP, and have them update your medical records ~ which is really really really important.

For the purpose of reassurance though, getting in touch with the psychiatrist first would obviously be a good idea, given that you would thereafter be able to proceed in confidence (or at least with increasing confidence) in respect of being treated as an autistic individual ~ with the rights of an autistic individual.

Pikl said:

I dont want to be a burden on the NHS.

You are so not a burden on the NHS Pikl ~ for just as Number stated, it is there to help us when we are not well, and to help us also keep well.

If anything ~ it really does appear that it is you who has been burdened with unfounded doubts about your diagnosis; due to other people’s ignorance about what autism describes in terms of it being a ‘spectrum condition’ ~ such as some experiencing empathy to overwhelming extents; all the way around to others having ‘Alexithymia’ which defines having difficulty or even no ability at all to relate with or identify emotions, which can be further compounded as a problem when ‘Prosopagnosia’ is the case, otherwise known as 'face-blindness' ~ so no clue as to whether someone is smiling, frowning or what!

You are 2% more Autistic than me.

That makes you the superior 'Sperg in this conversation!

What would you have me do, my queen? 

:c)

39

I do have a private diagnosis, I just need to accept it and stop needing reassurance. 

no worries. try this:

www.aspergerstestsite.com/

Hi I Sperg,  sorry I'm having trouble sleeping and have become a bit thick as a result. I didn't understand. 

Do the Asperger test site, test. It's further information, and you can do it right now, without asking anyone!

Once you know, you know. And then I promise it does become easier to manage, once you know what's really going on. 

Do the Asperger test site, test. It's further information, and you can do it right now, without asking anyone!

Once you know, you know. And then I promise it does become easier to manage, once you know what's really going on. 

I didn't think I'd be able to smile today, but you made it happen. Thank you

You are 2% more Autistic than me.

That makes you the superior 'Sperg in this conversation!

What would you have me do, my queen? 

:c)

39

I do have a private diagnosis, I just need to accept it and stop needing reassurance. 

no worries. try this:

www.aspergerstestsite.com/

Hi I Sperg,  sorry I'm having trouble sleeping and have become a bit thick as a result. I didn't understand.