Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone.
A wonderful friend of mine suggested posting here in the hopes that I can find some advice.
My thoughts are running so fast that I'm struggling to start. I'm struggling with everything right now, to the point living is just too overwhelming. I'm failing in my home life and failing in my work life. It feels too impossible to get through it, though I know there must be a way through, I'm just not able too see it.
I'm currently on the waiting list for talk therapy, for the 3rd time, this time to ascertain whether or not the pins and needles in my mouth and side of my face is due to anxiety. I can't talk to a GP anymore, I don't want medication it makes me feel really unwell. I don't want to be sent contact details of Samaritans, or any other groups, again. That's not helpful. I really don't like asking for help, I've been conditioned to believe that's wrong. And I'm falling down a black hole and can't see a way out.
I've lost myself, not that I've ever really understood myself. I'm only eating once a day, a small meal, and I think it's my way of gaining some sense of control.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I apologise for the very long and pointless post.
Hi, sorry to hear this. I don't have any advice, sadly, but please don't feel bad for posting here. This is definitely a safe space to voice these kind of thoughts. Most of us have experienced them at one time or another.
I agree with Ann about eating/nutrition.
In terms of "failing," at work or at home, please be kind to yourself and remember you're autistic, and that makes these things much harder than for a neurotypical person. Please try to be kind to yourself, even if it's hard.
Thank you Luftmentsch. I've been in my current job for 5 years, 19 in a previous one, and I've never had to be so restrained behaviour wise. I'm waiting for an NHS assessment as nobody believes my private one, apparently I show empathy. So at work I'm awkward, weird and maybe a little too direct, and I'm not allowed to explain why. I had private done in the middle of a depressive episode and the report remarked that I had a monotone voice, which everyone knows I don't, so the diagnosis is not seen as credible. I understand the other reasons why I have to keep it secret. I'm having more and more responsibility taken from me at home, I forget to do important things and if I'm focused on drawing then that makes it harder. I've never understood who I am and now that I have a chance, it feels like I'm not permitted. This makes me feel like I'm even more wrong and broken than I had come to believe. I'm sorry I'm moaning and venting. I've lost what little sense of self I had, and I don't know what to do anymore. Again, I'm sorry for complaining, everyone here has their struggles.
Pikl said: I'm waiting for an NHS assessment as nobody believes my private one, apparently I show empathy.
It seems that they do not understand that autism as a spectrum condition involves lesser and greater extents of sense and sensibility ~ from the hypo to the hyper sensitive and everything in-between ~ whether that be in an empathic sense and or any other sense, and it also seems that they do not really comprehend that autistic people develop psychological and physiological health problems on account of not having been appropriately facilitated, identified or affirmed in regard to the particular uniqueness of ‘their’ autistic ‘individuality’ ~ either at school or also at work?
Pikl said:I had private done in the middle of a depressive episode and the report remarked that I had a monotone voice, which everyone knows I don't, so the diagnosis is not seen as credible.
Monotone vocal interactions involving aptitudinal indifferences are though classic presentations of people experiencing depressive episodes or durations ~ where they feel ‘flat’ with a lack of emotional peaks, or that their ‘heart is not in it’ ~ i.e., not feeling emotionally committed to or engaged with others and or the events of life.
Was not your GP sent a copy of your diagnostic report to update your NHS records ~ as in with the NHS accepting your diagnosis from a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist, regardless of whether they are private or not?
Pikl said: I'm having more and more responsibility taken from me at home, I forget to do important things and if I'm focused on drawing then that makes it harder.
If as it very much seems that you are somewhat overwhelmed and quite possibly caught up in a bit of negative feedback loop ~ getting progressively burnt out and therefore your restricted capacity to function diminished, it would not be much of a surprise.
Is work in itself proving to be particularly stressful, and or are you possibly going through a rough patch involving the diagnostic hangover ~ as normally lasts about four and half years or so on average?
Pikl said:I've never understood who I am and now that I have a chance, it feels like I'm not permitted.
One of the things with social camouflaging and personal masking ~ is that when it becomes too much and people can no longer pretend to be inferior, mediocre or superior with other people, they have to lean to adjust to the mysterious confusion of their indefatigable self ~ as which is enlightening and vitalising.
Artists and creatives of all sorts tend to have more of a relation with their indefatigable self ~ as is more the case to a greater extent for autistic and other neurologically divergent people.
Pikl said:This makes me feel like I'm even more wrong and broken than I had come to believe.
Individuality is not a crime but natural by design ~ and as such you demonstrate nothing untoward about yourself really; other than not having been adequately facilitated, identified and affirmed ~ in accordance with who you are indefatigably.
Pikl said:I'm sorry I'm moaning and venting.
Apology so not required ~ and we thank you for facilitating this linguistic group hug and vent session.
I seem to see faces well enough, but not apply any processing power to them.
I cannot visualise a person face. When I think of a person it seems I store them as a bunch of attributes and concepts and personality etc, but no real face.
When I read a book, I get to know the characters but never see them. I find the descriptive stuff worthy of skipping over after a while of it not working for me.