Hate Myself

Hi...I've some experience working in a psych ward, so hope my insights might be useful.

1) Food - can you tell the nurse in charge on the ward, or the psychologist/psychiatrist? Get it written into your care plan?
    My partner is head chef in a psych hospital and is more than willing to provide food that meets patient needs - just needs to be informed (which is sometimes an issue).

2) Walks - sometimes reduction of leave is based on evaluation of patient behaviour. However, if that perceived (by staff) negative behaviour / non-compliance is created by the system, then the system needs adapting. Again, try and speak to nurse/psychologist/psychiatrist and explain the significance of these walks to you.

3) Being alone - I'm ASD diagnosed and feel the same at times. Sometimes it is just my depressed brain telling me I am unlikeable. Try and think about times when you have felt comfortable with others, even if not masking. There are peple who like and love you - guarantee it. Sometimes our brains just don;t want us to feel that way.

4) You are not stupid or worthless. You have been very clear and rational in your communication here, identifying stressors which are not being helped by your circumstances and misperceptions by staff/other patients.

I hope that helps x

Thank you so much I appreciate it you're too kind xx

Hi Aspen,

Welcome to the community! :) 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I want you to know though you are not worthless or stupid, you seem to me a very lovely person and I think like we all can be, you're very hard on yourself.

Definitely a lot of people here already like you, myself included :-) 

Hang in there ok. I know things are tough at the moment but it doesn't rain forever, the sun will shine again.

 Xx

I have no idea they originally said March but I haven't heard from my home team in over a month which means they probably haven't even found any possibilities or sorted out funding or anything :/ It's just frustrating as I'm so far from my friend and can only see her like every four months because it's an 8hour drive for her and seeing her is so good for me I had such a good weekend with her when she last came up! It wasn't so good when my parents came they got a bit fed up of me running around and constantly talking and jumping and climbing and wandering off oops! And music helps a lot I'm nearly always listening to something and I'm doing a lot of writing and I crochet as well little toys but it's just nice to get outside and see the world and nature (I'm a v big nature/explorer person). And oh bless you I hope you're alright my thoughts are with you that must be so hard :( if you don't already I recommend crochet it is quite relaxing and you end up with something at the end and there's plenty of tutorials on YouTube and patterns that are easy to follow :) Thank you so much for your support it means a lot I hope you're doing well :) 

being alone is so helpful I agree luckily people tend to leave me alone when I say I just want to be alone but sometimes when they see me upset they try and make me look at them which I hate because I never make eye contact anyway :/ just more the rules they apply are feeling really constrictive and counter-productive? 

luckily we have our own rooms its just mine is directly opposite the lounge and at certain times I have to have my door open which means everyone can see directly into my room :/ we're meant to go to group but I don't. I'm glad they were understanding of your needs and that you didn't end up going as it's horrible being in hospital and I hope you're doing well

I'm not really sure because we're only allowed 3 exceptions which makes things hard because sometimes there's a meal that I like apart from one tiny part (e.g.olives) and it feels like a waste of an exception when it comes up only once every five weeks? There's a lot of savoury foods I don't like like baked beans mash babycorn swede rice mint couscous fake meat beans if there are too many a few I can manage texture wise that's all I can think of that I can remember from the menu! I'm fine with things like chips and potatoes in every form than mash and pasta and noodles and pizza but half these things aren't on the menu :( I suggested they talk to my dad who would agree I've always had things like cake for lunch sometimes for lunch and have an issue with a lot of savoury items but I don't think they've spoken to him :/ that's the thing like I'm not really struggling ED wise anymore I'm only really still here because I have nowhere else to go yet as I'm not going home anymore because of issues at home and they keep saying when you leave you can eat what makes you happy but I don't know when that'll be and it's been a long time since I've had that freedom and I'm feeling a bit exhausted not being able to :/ 

thank you for your support

thank you for this, there is a part that says there may be a need to use the alternative options more than three times a week which would really help if they agree to this

thank you so much - I'll reply to your other comments now sorry I'm so late

Thank you I appreciate that :) 

Blimey. Excellent work, Ann! 

oh and finally, you could try ringing Beat: The UK's Eating Disorder Charity - Beat (beateatingdisorders.org.uk) . I rang them twice and they were surprisingly knowledgeable about eating disorders in autistic people and very autism friendly. They might be able to give advice on how to talk to your treatment team as well as resources. Their helpline is free. 

How much longer do you have on the ward? Do you already know where you will be going and where you will be living afterwards? I also think it really helps to think about all the things that are good for you in your life and to try to get more of those in: like going on walks :) (I love that too actually). Also do you have some other strategies (other than walking) that help you relax? Can you try drawing, doing puzzles, reading, art, listening to audiobooks? It would be great if you found a second thing that helps you unwind. I am also still working on that as I used to just unwind through exercise but then I got injured and never really recovered so I am still looking for alternatives, though I wish I had learnt some non-exercise ways to unwind before then. My favourites right now are doing something with my hands whilst listening to an audiobook- Maybe finding some ways to relax can be your mission to pass the remaining time on the ward whilst you are more limited in your walks? 

"I just want to be left alone now it doesn't feel like anyone can help me now the best thing people can do is leave me alone and I don't know how to say this without people taking it as me being angry or rude or something because people tend to twist what I say into something it's not like I'm not angry at anyone I'm just exhausted by people and their expectations of me. "

I totally understand, though neurotypicals often find it hard to understand that being alone can be good for us. Can you maybe say that because you are autistic, for you it is best to be left alone for a while if you feel that way? You can say that you understand that they mean well but that your needs are just different to maybe what they would want if they were feeling like that? 

In terms of social interactions etc- Do you have to share a room? Is there anywhere you can go if you need down time? Are you required to take part in group therapy? If yes how is that going? I think it is very important that you have a safe place that you can go to to be alone and to recuperate. It was actually suggested I should maybe go inpatient again last year, I was in a different city (in Germany) at the time and visited the unit- they were extremely accommodating of me being autistic (even though I did not have the official diagnosis yet) and made all kinds of useful suggestions and said that I could possibly opt out of group therapy and activities and that we could start off without them and then gradually see if joining in would be fine etc. I did not end up going inpatient at all as I felt that what I needed most is to just be at home in my own safe space, and I just needed time to recover and rest. But the team in that ward was very accommodating so I don't think it is unreasonable for you to raise these issues! Afterall the aim is for you to get better. When I was inpatient I grew increasingly depressed- I felt so out of place and like noone understood my issues and it was extremely frustrating as everyone else seemed to be getting better whilst I was deteriorating- Now that I know that I am autistic I think I was probably just overwhelmed- I was probably almost constantly masking and there was a huge strain on me all the time - eating socially is also extremely stressful for me and I felt very pressured and stressed out- I ended up trying to just retreat into my own little bubble... but it was hard. I hope that you can maybe get them to accept that you need some changes and accomodations to make sure that you do not get overwhelmed and even more stressed out. 

For some reason the quote button is not working so I have just copied your text instead: 

"as I'm currently inpatient on an ED ward that doesn't seem to get there are certain foods I don't like and won't eat and expect me to eat them and stop me from my walks (the only thing that makes me happy rn) if I don't comply."

Do they understand about sensory sensitivities etc? Can you try to talk to them and suggest a suitable alternative food that you can substitute anything for that you cannot cope with? As long as it is nutritionally complete and you are not living of a handful of staple foods alone, I think that is a reasonable thing to ask for? Do you have any choice in terms of what food you get each day? If you give some examples of foods that you do not like that they made an issue about you not eating, maybe I can better try to understand what might be going through their heads... Also can you maybe get a friend or family member to confirm to them that you have always disliked this food so that they are reassured that this is not an eating disorder thing but just an autistic thing/ personal preference? 

If you give me some more detail on what you are struggling with regarding with food I might be able to find some more resources/information that you could use to help your treatment team to understand. 

Then the national autistic society page on eating is also helpful: Eating - a guide for all audiences (autism.org.uk)

The system failed us, but we mustn't fail ourselves.