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Hate Myself

Dee-Dee

I don't even know what to do anymore. Everyone hates me when I'm not masking. It's like I can't be happy and everyone else be happy at the same time so I feel selfish being happy because it's making others miserable. My mother barely talks to me anymore because I'm not the child she wanted and I'm so lonely as I'm currently inpatient on an ED ward that doesn't seem to get there are certain foods I don't like and won't eat and expect me to eat them and stop me from my walks (the only thing that makes me happy rn) if I don't comply. I feel absolutely stuck and like everyone is fed up with me and everyone would be happier if I was NT. It's weird because when I'm on my own I'm happy, like I've learnt to accept myself but every time I leave my room or speak to someone or think about anything outside of my little world I realise I'm a terrible person and I hate myself. I just want to be left alone now it doesn't feel like anyone can help me now the best thing people can do is leave me alone and I don't know how to say this without people taking it as me being angry or rude or something because people tend to twist what I say into something it's not like I'm not angry at anyone I'm just exhausted by people and their expectations of me. If anything I'm angry at myself for being such a stupid worthless person. 

Parents

  • Hi...I've some experience working in a psych ward, so hope my insights might be useful.

    1) Food - can you tell the nurse in charge on the ward, or the psychologist/psychiatrist? Get it written into your care plan?
        My partner is head chef in a psych hospital and is more than willing to provide food that meets patient needs - just needs to be informed (which is sometimes an issue).

    2) Walks - sometimes reduction of leave is based on evaluation of patient behaviour. However, if that perceived (by staff) negative behaviour / non-compliance is created by the system, then the system needs adapting. Again, try and speak to nurse/psychologist/psychiatrist and explain the significance of these walks to you.

    3) Being alone - I'm ASD diagnosed and feel the same at times. Sometimes it is just my depressed brain telling me I am unlikeable. Try and think about times when you have felt comfortable with others, even if not masking. There are peple who like and love you - guarantee it. Sometimes our brains just don;t want us to feel that way.

    4) You are not stupid or worthless. You have been very clear and rational in your communication here, identifying stressors which are not being helped by your circumstances and misperceptions by staff/other patients.

    I hope that helps x

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  • Hi...I've some experience working in a psych ward, so hope my insights might be useful.

    1) Food - can you tell the nurse in charge on the ward, or the psychologist/psychiatrist? Get it written into your care plan?
        My partner is head chef in a psych hospital and is more than willing to provide food that meets patient needs - just needs to be informed (which is sometimes an issue).

    2) Walks - sometimes reduction of leave is based on evaluation of patient behaviour. However, if that perceived (by staff) negative behaviour / non-compliance is created by the system, then the system needs adapting. Again, try and speak to nurse/psychologist/psychiatrist and explain the significance of these walks to you.

    3) Being alone - I'm ASD diagnosed and feel the same at times. Sometimes it is just my depressed brain telling me I am unlikeable. Try and think about times when you have felt comfortable with others, even if not masking. There are peple who like and love you - guarantee it. Sometimes our brains just don;t want us to feel that way.

    4) You are not stupid or worthless. You have been very clear and rational in your communication here, identifying stressors which are not being helped by your circumstances and misperceptions by staff/other patients.

    I hope that helps x

Children
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