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Hate Myself

Dee-Dee

I don't even know what to do anymore. Everyone hates me when I'm not masking. It's like I can't be happy and everyone else be happy at the same time so I feel selfish being happy because it's making others miserable. My mother barely talks to me anymore because I'm not the child she wanted and I'm so lonely as I'm currently inpatient on an ED ward that doesn't seem to get there are certain foods I don't like and won't eat and expect me to eat them and stop me from my walks (the only thing that makes me happy rn) if I don't comply. I feel absolutely stuck and like everyone is fed up with me and everyone would be happier if I was NT. It's weird because when I'm on my own I'm happy, like I've learnt to accept myself but every time I leave my room or speak to someone or think about anything outside of my little world I realise I'm a terrible person and I hate myself. I just want to be left alone now it doesn't feel like anyone can help me now the best thing people can do is leave me alone and I don't know how to say this without people taking it as me being angry or rude or something because people tend to twist what I say into something it's not like I'm not angry at anyone I'm just exhausted by people and their expectations of me. If anything I'm angry at myself for being such a stupid worthless person. 

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  • How much longer do you have on the ward? Do you already know where you will be going and where you will be living afterwards? I also think it really helps to think about all the things that are good for you in your life and to try to get more of those in: like going on walks :) (I love that too actually). Also do you have some other strategies (other than walking) that help you relax? Can you try drawing, doing puzzles, reading, art, listening to audiobooks? It would be great if you found a second thing that helps you unwind. I am also still working on that as I used to just unwind through exercise but then I got injured and never really recovered so I am still looking for alternatives, though I wish I had learnt some non-exercise ways to unwind before then. My favourites right now are doing something with my hands whilst listening to an audiobook- Maybe finding some ways to relax can be your mission to pass the remaining time on the ward whilst you are more limited in your walks? 

  • in reply to Ann :)

    I have no idea they originally said March but I haven't heard from my home team in over a month which means they probably haven't even found any possibilities or sorted out funding or anything :/ It's just frustrating as I'm so far from my friend and can only see her like every four months because it's an 8hour drive for her and seeing her is so good for me I had such a good weekend with her when she last came up! It wasn't so good when my parents came they got a bit fed up of me running around and constantly talking and jumping and climbing and wandering off oops! And music helps a lot I'm nearly always listening to something and I'm doing a lot of writing and I crochet as well little toys but it's just nice to get outside and see the world and nature (I'm a v big nature/explorer person). And oh bless you I hope you're alright my thoughts are with you that must be so hard :( if you don't already I recommend crochet it is quite relaxing and you end up with something at the end and there's plenty of tutorials on YouTube and patterns that are easy to follow :) Thank you so much for your support it means a lot I hope you're doing well :) 

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  • in reply to Ann :)

    I have no idea they originally said March but I haven't heard from my home team in over a month which means they probably haven't even found any possibilities or sorted out funding or anything :/ It's just frustrating as I'm so far from my friend and can only see her like every four months because it's an 8hour drive for her and seeing her is so good for me I had such a good weekend with her when she last came up! It wasn't so good when my parents came they got a bit fed up of me running around and constantly talking and jumping and climbing and wandering off oops! And music helps a lot I'm nearly always listening to something and I'm doing a lot of writing and I crochet as well little toys but it's just nice to get outside and see the world and nature (I'm a v big nature/explorer person). And oh bless you I hope you're alright my thoughts are with you that must be so hard :( if you don't already I recommend crochet it is quite relaxing and you end up with something at the end and there's plenty of tutorials on YouTube and patterns that are easy to follow :) Thank you so much for your support it means a lot I hope you're doing well :) 

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