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Hate Myself

Dee-Dee

I don't even know what to do anymore. Everyone hates me when I'm not masking. It's like I can't be happy and everyone else be happy at the same time so I feel selfish being happy because it's making others miserable. My mother barely talks to me anymore because I'm not the child she wanted and I'm so lonely as I'm currently inpatient on an ED ward that doesn't seem to get there are certain foods I don't like and won't eat and expect me to eat them and stop me from my walks (the only thing that makes me happy rn) if I don't comply. I feel absolutely stuck and like everyone is fed up with me and everyone would be happier if I was NT. It's weird because when I'm on my own I'm happy, like I've learnt to accept myself but every time I leave my room or speak to someone or think about anything outside of my little world I realise I'm a terrible person and I hate myself. I just want to be left alone now it doesn't feel like anyone can help me now the best thing people can do is leave me alone and I don't know how to say this without people taking it as me being angry or rude or something because people tend to twist what I say into something it's not like I'm not angry at anyone I'm just exhausted by people and their expectations of me. If anything I'm angry at myself for being such a stupid worthless person. 

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  • In terms of social interactions etc- Do you have to share a room? Is there anywhere you can go if you need down time? Are you required to take part in group therapy? If yes how is that going? I think it is very important that you have a safe place that you can go to to be alone and to recuperate. It was actually suggested I should maybe go inpatient again last year, I was in a different city (in Germany) at the time and visited the unit- they were extremely accommodating of me being autistic (even though I did not have the official diagnosis yet) and made all kinds of useful suggestions and said that I could possibly opt out of group therapy and activities and that we could start off without them and then gradually see if joining in would be fine etc. I did not end up going inpatient at all as I felt that what I needed most is to just be at home in my own safe space, and I just needed time to recover and rest. But the team in that ward was very accommodating so I don't think it is unreasonable for you to raise these issues! Afterall the aim is for you to get better. When I was inpatient I grew increasingly depressed- I felt so out of place and like noone understood my issues and it was extremely frustrating as everyone else seemed to be getting better whilst I was deteriorating- Now that I know that I am autistic I think I was probably just overwhelmed- I was probably almost constantly masking and there was a huge strain on me all the time - eating socially is also extremely stressful for me and I felt very pressured and stressed out- I ended up trying to just retreat into my own little bubble... but it was hard. I hope that you can maybe get them to accept that you need some changes and accomodations to make sure that you do not get overwhelmed and even more stressed out. 

  • in reply to Ann :)

    luckily we have our own rooms its just mine is directly opposite the lounge and at certain times I have to have my door open which means everyone can see directly into my room :/ we're meant to go to group but I don't. I'm glad they were understanding of your needs and that you didn't end up going as it's horrible being in hospital and I hope you're doing well Slight smile

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  • in reply to Ann :)

    luckily we have our own rooms its just mine is directly opposite the lounge and at certain times I have to have my door open which means everyone can see directly into my room :/ we're meant to go to group but I don't. I'm glad they were understanding of your needs and that you didn't end up going as it's horrible being in hospital and I hope you're doing well Slight smile

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