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Hate Myself

Dee-Dee

I don't even know what to do anymore. Everyone hates me when I'm not masking. It's like I can't be happy and everyone else be happy at the same time so I feel selfish being happy because it's making others miserable. My mother barely talks to me anymore because I'm not the child she wanted and I'm so lonely as I'm currently inpatient on an ED ward that doesn't seem to get there are certain foods I don't like and won't eat and expect me to eat them and stop me from my walks (the only thing that makes me happy rn) if I don't comply. I feel absolutely stuck and like everyone is fed up with me and everyone would be happier if I was NT. It's weird because when I'm on my own I'm happy, like I've learnt to accept myself but every time I leave my room or speak to someone or think about anything outside of my little world I realise I'm a terrible person and I hate myself. I just want to be left alone now it doesn't feel like anyone can help me now the best thing people can do is leave me alone and I don't know how to say this without people taking it as me being angry or rude or something because people tend to twist what I say into something it's not like I'm not angry at anyone I'm just exhausted by people and their expectations of me. If anything I'm angry at myself for being such a stupid worthless person. 

Parents

  • Hi, Hang in there- You are not worthless or stupid. You are at the moment in a very stressful environment. I can relate as I have been inpatient before on a ward due to eating issues and 'depression' (though I think it was more like burnout). Though luckily they didn't put me with the other eating disorder patients as they realised that my eating issues were secondary to something else, which is about one of the only things they did get right as noone realised that I was autistic at the time. At least in my experience the environment and expectations in a ward are not autistic friendly at all, especially if they are not trying to be accommodating of you being autistic. I have some ideas of what might help or how you could talk to the professionals- I am trying to meet a deadline right now though so I don't have the time I need to give you a proper reply- I will reply properly as soon as I can but I just wanted to send you a short message already, to send you some strength and to tell you to be kind to yourself. You are in a stressful environment and in a stressful situation. The world is not designed for autistic people and an eating disorder ward even less so. So please be kind to yourself. You are a strong and wonderful person. 

Reply

  • Hi, Hang in there- You are not worthless or stupid. You are at the moment in a very stressful environment. I can relate as I have been inpatient before on a ward due to eating issues and 'depression' (though I think it was more like burnout). Though luckily they didn't put me with the other eating disorder patients as they realised that my eating issues were secondary to something else, which is about one of the only things they did get right as noone realised that I was autistic at the time. At least in my experience the environment and expectations in a ward are not autistic friendly at all, especially if they are not trying to be accommodating of you being autistic. I have some ideas of what might help or how you could talk to the professionals- I am trying to meet a deadline right now though so I don't have the time I need to give you a proper reply- I will reply properly as soon as I can but I just wanted to send you a short message already, to send you some strength and to tell you to be kind to yourself. You are in a stressful environment and in a stressful situation. The world is not designed for autistic people and an eating disorder ward even less so. So please be kind to yourself. You are a strong and wonderful person. 

Children