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Hate Myself

Dee-Dee

I don't even know what to do anymore. Everyone hates me when I'm not masking. It's like I can't be happy and everyone else be happy at the same time so I feel selfish being happy because it's making others miserable. My mother barely talks to me anymore because I'm not the child she wanted and I'm so lonely as I'm currently inpatient on an ED ward that doesn't seem to get there are certain foods I don't like and won't eat and expect me to eat them and stop me from my walks (the only thing that makes me happy rn) if I don't comply. I feel absolutely stuck and like everyone is fed up with me and everyone would be happier if I was NT. It's weird because when I'm on my own I'm happy, like I've learnt to accept myself but every time I leave my room or speak to someone or think about anything outside of my little world I realise I'm a terrible person and I hate myself. I just want to be left alone now it doesn't feel like anyone can help me now the best thing people can do is leave me alone and I don't know how to say this without people taking it as me being angry or rude or something because people tend to twist what I say into something it's not like I'm not angry at anyone I'm just exhausted by people and their expectations of me. If anything I'm angry at myself for being such a stupid worthless person. 

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  • "I just want to be left alone now it doesn't feel like anyone can help me now the best thing people can do is leave me alone and I don't know how to say this without people taking it as me being angry or rude or something because people tend to twist what I say into something it's not like I'm not angry at anyone I'm just exhausted by people and their expectations of me. "

    I totally understand, though neurotypicals often find it hard to understand that being alone can be good for us. Can you maybe say that because you are autistic, for you it is best to be left alone for a while if you feel that way? You can say that you understand that they mean well but that your needs are just different to maybe what they would want if they were feeling like that? 

  • in reply to Ann :)

    being alone is so helpful I agree luckily people tend to leave me alone when I say I just want to be alone but sometimes when they see me upset they try and make me look at them which I hate because I never make eye contact anyway :/ just more the rules they apply are feeling really constrictive and counter-productive? 

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  • in reply to Ann :)

    being alone is so helpful I agree luckily people tend to leave me alone when I say I just want to be alone but sometimes when they see me upset they try and make me look at them which I hate because I never make eye contact anyway :/ just more the rules they apply are feeling really constrictive and counter-productive? 

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