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Hate Myself

Dee-Dee

I don't even know what to do anymore. Everyone hates me when I'm not masking. It's like I can't be happy and everyone else be happy at the same time so I feel selfish being happy because it's making others miserable. My mother barely talks to me anymore because I'm not the child she wanted and I'm so lonely as I'm currently inpatient on an ED ward that doesn't seem to get there are certain foods I don't like and won't eat and expect me to eat them and stop me from my walks (the only thing that makes me happy rn) if I don't comply. I feel absolutely stuck and like everyone is fed up with me and everyone would be happier if I was NT. It's weird because when I'm on my own I'm happy, like I've learnt to accept myself but every time I leave my room or speak to someone or think about anything outside of my little world I realise I'm a terrible person and I hate myself. I just want to be left alone now it doesn't feel like anyone can help me now the best thing people can do is leave me alone and I don't know how to say this without people taking it as me being angry or rude or something because people tend to twist what I say into something it's not like I'm not angry at anyone I'm just exhausted by people and their expectations of me. If anything I'm angry at myself for being such a stupid worthless person. 

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  • For some reason the quote button is not working so I have just copied your text instead: 

    "as I'm currently inpatient on an ED ward that doesn't seem to get there are certain foods I don't like and won't eat and expect me to eat them and stop me from my walks (the only thing that makes me happy rn) if I don't comply."

    Do they understand about sensory sensitivities etc? Can you try to talk to them and suggest a suitable alternative food that you can substitute anything for that you cannot cope with? As long as it is nutritionally complete and you are not living of a handful of staple foods alone, I think that is a reasonable thing to ask for? Do you have any choice in terms of what food you get each day? If you give some examples of foods that you do not like that they made an issue about you not eating, maybe I can better try to understand what might be going through their heads... Also can you maybe get a friend or family member to confirm to them that you have always disliked this food so that they are reassured that this is not an eating disorder thing but just an autistic thing/ personal preference? 

  • in reply to Ann :)

    I'm not really sure because we're only allowed 3 exceptions which makes things hard because sometimes there's a meal that I like apart from one tiny part (e.g.olives) and it feels like a waste of an exception when it comes up only once every five weeks? There's a lot of savoury foods I don't like like baked beans mash babycorn swede rice mint couscous fake meat beans if there are too many a few I can manage texture wise that's all I can think of that I can remember from the menu! I'm fine with things like chips and potatoes in every form than mash and pasta and noodles and pizza but half these things aren't on the menu :( I suggested they talk to my dad who would agree I've always had things like cake for lunch sometimes for lunch and have an issue with a lot of savoury items but I don't think they've spoken to him :/ that's the thing like I'm not really struggling ED wise anymore I'm only really still here because I have nowhere else to go yet as I'm not going home anymore because of issues at home and they keep saying when you leave you can eat what makes you happy but I don't know when that'll be and it's been a long time since I've had that freedom and I'm feeling a bit exhausted not being able to :/ 

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  • in reply to Ann :)

    I'm not really sure because we're only allowed 3 exceptions which makes things hard because sometimes there's a meal that I like apart from one tiny part (e.g.olives) and it feels like a waste of an exception when it comes up only once every five weeks? There's a lot of savoury foods I don't like like baked beans mash babycorn swede rice mint couscous fake meat beans if there are too many a few I can manage texture wise that's all I can think of that I can remember from the menu! I'm fine with things like chips and potatoes in every form than mash and pasta and noodles and pizza but half these things aren't on the menu :( I suggested they talk to my dad who would agree I've always had things like cake for lunch sometimes for lunch and have an issue with a lot of savoury items but I don't think they've spoken to him :/ that's the thing like I'm not really struggling ED wise anymore I'm only really still here because I have nowhere else to go yet as I'm not going home anymore because of issues at home and they keep saying when you leave you can eat what makes you happy but I don't know when that'll be and it's been a long time since I've had that freedom and I'm feeling a bit exhausted not being able to :/ 

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