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Autistic mum struggling with anxiety, ruminations and feeling like a failure

silverbolt

I was diagnosed last year as autistic, I've got a 6 year old son who I love more than anything else in the world but I feel like I'm failing him. My confidence and self esteem is in absolute bits, I overthink everything, am really anxious and question myself about everything.

I hate that there is no rule book for being a mum, I struggle with chatting to other mums in the playground everyone else makes it look so easy and I feel like I'm an outsider.

I'm scared my son will grow up and think I was an awful mum, I try so hard to be patient and kind but sometimes when he doesn't listen I feel so frustrated and it makes me feel like a bad person.

Has anyone felt this way? I feel like my ability to communicate with people has shrunk so much since the pandemic, and it makes me feel like I don't know who I am anymore like I'm having an identity crisis but don't know how to get out of it. 

  • in reply to silverbolt
    silverbolt said:
    And it makes me snappy and irritable and every day I wake up saying I'm going to be the kind patient fun mum and every day I end up getting annoyed about something.

    This is exactly how I feel as a dad

    You sound like an amazing mom, your heart is clearly in the right place and you so obviously love and care for your boy. I beleive if your heart is in the right place and you have love everything else will work out eventually

    I really relate to the socialising with other parents thing, it is a nightmare for me. My wife takes our boy to babygroup and Im like sitting there chatting to the other parents would be my nightmare. Im supposed to go to a baby shower her friend is organising in a couple of weeks and im dreading it

    Your right though, you need to be more kind to yourself. Speaking from experience though its not easy

  • in reply to El

    I feel the same. When I'm really burned out and having a sensory overload and my little boy just puts his face in mine and shouts "play daddy, play daddy, play daddy" I just cant cope

  • I'm not an autistic mum but I am an autistic dad. I absolutely hate the chatting to other parents thing and feel like a completely outsider in these types of situations just like you do.

    Fitting in with these parents is not always the best thing for your child anyway, in kids groups I'd actually have fun interacting with the kids rather than sitting drinking tea and gossiping with the parents.

    A good parent loves and cares for their child, thinks carefully about their needs and how to fulfil them, thinks about how to give them opportunities, experiences and adventures. Concentrate on this instead of being distracted by the expectations of others.

    Also if you are having a hard time and struggling to cope then _talk_ to your kid. Don't shout at them or tell them what to do, explain that you are feeling overwhelmed, ask them what they think you should both do to help the situation. It's not you failing to cope, you are just one part of the equation, your child and the situation you are in is the other, see what you can do to change those.

  • in reply to El

    Thank you so much for your reply el. It's really hard sometimes isn't it. I started CBT counselling this morning which I'm hoping will help. I have done it in the past before but now I know I'm autistic in hoping it will have more impact. 

    I just worry so much. And it makes me snappy and irritable and every day I wake up saying I'm going to be the kind patient fun mum and every day I end up getting annoyed about something.

    1. I'm going to try and be kinder to myself. I know I'm very hard on myself but can't help it sometimes. 

  • I understand how you feel. I'm a mum of two girls (6 and 10), and although I love them to bits, I really struggle at times. The constant chatter and "Mum, Mum, Mum!" can send me over the edge, plus the sibling arguments, and the school runs etc. I have never felt able to take them to parties when they are invited, and just speaking with other parents and arranging play dates etc. can be too much. Sometimes I scream at my children even though I know it's not their fault - I just can't cope, it's like overload. I know it's difficult, but I would say try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm sure your son knows you love him and will grow up to understand why you sometimes struggled. That's what I try to tell myself anyway.