Married to a marvellous man who is on the spectrum

Hi lovely

my husband struggles with me but sticks it out...which I am thankful for. Your husband struggles just as much as you and there is a very good chance that he is well aware than he can be a  challenge. Rest assured it is not on purpose that those times are difficult. He loves you, and probably  wouldn't want to  be without you....he is probably feeling v.guilty that he is not straight forward (I feel guilty and insecure about it everyday) - so try and think of the positives.

Hi there, thank you for the reply, it really helps. I often try to be optimistic but it can be a real struggle. I just want to wrap him in a bubble sometimes to protect him. How do you deal with work? My husband works but has found it so stressful that he has alopecia on his head and face

Hi there, thank you for the reply, it really helps. I often try to be optimistic but it can be a real struggle. I just want to wrap him in a bubble sometimes to protect him. How do you deal with work? My husband works but has found it so stressful that he has alopecia on his head and face

He has said all of this to his boss, i.e written emails, sticking to procedures etc but I don't think that his boss fully understands the structure he needs. I just want him to be happy. I have told my husband that his work need an education in autism and the spectrum.

Has his boss given your husband examples if how he's difficult to manage?

a good boss can make  all the difference. My previous boss was great as she was very clear in her communication and black and white about what was needed to be done, the expectation from me and why the instruction was being made. 

In the past I have worked someone where communication is poor and I hated it....not sure what my remit was....not a straight answer when I queried it so tentatively bumbled along too scared to steer to far away if what I guessed that I should be doing.

i always send emails etc..,to try and get instruction in writing..,which also helps if someone queries anything...i.e you said in this email that I can reduce the price of a car by up to 10% but for more than that I  need to clear it with my boss. When "bob" is off sick, I am required to do his paperwork for .... hours of my working day so as to not impact too much on my sales figures..."bob" is expected to reciprocate with this when I am off sick.

people tend to be given such woolly contracts no to give flexibility fir the company... but I like as much precision and clarity as possible...

Thanks for the helpline, I'll give them a call later. Some examples are it's one rule for him and one for the other salesman. When the other salesman has a day off he leaves a list of his work that he need my husband to do. So instead of earning money for us by selling cars, he has to do all this other work. He's also been told he can offer money off cars, then he wasn't allowed, then he had to ask permission. In a nutshell it's not very well organised. His boss has told him recently that he is really hard to manage which makes me want to gauge his eyes out (I'm not a violent person but I am so very protective over my husband that treatment like this makes my blood boil)

NAS24341 said:

it's the internal workings of the company that frustrate him

Are you able to give some examples?

have you also checked out the NAS resources here? http://www.autism.org.uk/about/adult-life/work.aspx

The helpline is good as well, I hear! 

Don't apologise for the long reply, all information and suggestions are brilliant. It's a tiny dealership, there are only 2 salesman. He likes interacting with the public, it's the internal workings of the company that frustrate him. There have been days when he has had to leave and take a sick day because he hasn't been able to handle the situation. This happens at all the places he works and I really don't know what to do to help him.

I'm taking it that he is working in a dealership and so they are all under pressure to get rid of old stock and to push the new '67 plate cars.

i am imagining the following

1. lots of background noise and probably some bad ascoutics and your husband at a sales desk feeling very much "on show" - not great if your having a bad day but hopefully you have a PC screen to hide behind as a point of focus
2. team meetings and targets
3. constant drop ins of potential customers and not booked appointments which come sometimes mean no decernable break between customers to recover and re-centre yourself.

is there any way he can be less front focused...i.e the other sales member meet and greet and secure the sale and your lovely OH can do the paperwork and finance part of the sale? Is he ok talking to the tech guys who get the vehicles ready? Is he ok with making phone calls? Would an after sales role work out better? 

Sorry long reply 

His work know but don't fully understand it. I want to scream at them sometimes. They aren't very patient or happy to learn more.

Totally agree

QuirkyFriend said:

When i think I  have SD16 sussed she goes and shows me a special part of her mind.

how beautifully phrased! You can be very eloquent Quirky

Hi, yes he has been diagnosed, when he was 12. He works in car sales, it's the only work that makes him happy but dealing with other people at work is majorly stressing him out. I don't know how to support him. He seems to be permanently unhappy with the situation but then he won't do anything to change it. I feel he is slipping further and further away from me.

If he has a diagnosis he can ask for a workplace assessment for adjustments. Most adults who can get employment on the spectrum have only minor adjustments needed. My SO has ADHD and his only adjustments are A4 spiral bound notebooks and a place where he can work standing up if he's very distracted.

The other adjustment around home is to think "stability of routine". People with ASD are visual. We have visual reminders of routine for my step daughter. It benefits everyone.

Sometimes I get a bit bummed out about some of the routine bits that can have restrictions on me. My step daughter has food restrictions due to her ASD. 90% of the time we cook for her limits. 10% we cook for us with a variation for her.

I say the big thing is to be prepared to be surprised.   When i think I  have SD16 sussed she goes and shows me a special part of her mind.

Hey 24341

i do find work stressful...but I wear a big mask! I work as a teacher so lessons are planned and you can pretty well gauge how interactions will go....it is a bit like being an actor on a stage, and I am talking about my subject topic and not me - so that creates another safety barrier.  

Once home, I can switch out of that 'role' and back to me. It can be v stressful and tiring....I had 3 months off work a couple of years ago when my "elastic snapped" and I had a small breakdown....still not fully recovered from that...so the mask has got a bit bigger to compensate...and as you'd expect it now takes me longer to chip off that mask at the end of the day...

has your husband been diagnosed? Is he able to ask for adjustments at work...I.e a quieter working environment....tasks given in writing rather than verbally etc