Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I¨m a 47 year old male. Im suffering from and on medication for depression and anxiety linked to the recent separation from my partner. After 7 years of couple therapy she had enough. Linked to this I have started to seriously consider whether I may have Aspergers, after reading an article on it. Many of our difficulties stemmed from her concerns with lack of spontaneity, adherence to rigid routines, anxiety at small changes in daily routines and in the home environment, as well as my behaviour during our interactions (inability to keep eye contact, taking some of the things she said too literally, lack of empathy, extreme introversion, etc.). Many of these things have dampened all my previous relationships. When I first suspected Asperger´s may be the answer and told her, her response was "i didn´t know how to tell you". Since then I have gone in an obsessive frenzy to try to figure out whether this is the case or not. I´ve done all the tests I have been able to find (the whole Baron-Cohen catalog and all the others you find online). When I saw all the scores were typical of aspies I started to read Tony Attwood book to get a better sense. When I read this stuff, a lot of it resonates with past experiences and my life. My first reaction was one of relief. I finally had a template that could explain past difficulties and the way my life has been. But this has been followed by a more complex cocktail of emotions. Anger at nobody having noticed before, fear at the implications, a sense of shame at being wrong about the "self diagnosis". I´m concerned that this could be my depression talking. I am utterly confused and insecure. I have talked to some colleagues, partly to see their reactions and find some validation. The irony there is that I have been unable to tell from their responses what they were thinking (doo!): surprise, "i always thought you were weird and rude", "you must really be loosing your plot", fear... Go figure. I´m seeing my GP next week and have also engaged with a psychotherapist with experience with autism. So hopefully I will be finding some answers. But I guess engaging with others in this forum may also help me to get a better sense of who I am. But also to break the loneliness.
thanks
Mazinger said:I need a lot of time to digest what she is saying and this becomes even more difficult when the tone heats up. She tends to accelerate and I tend to slow down. It gets to the point where my mind seems to shutdown and it goes blank, like a computer that has frozen, and I stay there unable to say anyhing, staring to an empty wall. It is very frustrating for all. But I don't seem to be able to control it. I honestly wish I could. A couple of hours later I may come across the feeling, emotion or thought thatwas bothering me and seemed unable to articulate at the time. I'm not sure how unusual this is. She also gets very irritated by my "mannerisms": as the arguments heat up it becomes more difficult for me to look her up in the eye; sometimes I repeat what she says to show agreement but she finds that insulting; when I start to become stressed I repetitively touch my eyes and she does not respond well to that; and so on.
I need a lot of time to digest what she is saying and this becomes even more difficult when the tone heats up. She tends to accelerate and I tend to slow down. It gets to the point where my mind seems to shutdown and it goes blank, like a computer that has frozen, and I stay there unable to say anyhing, staring to an empty wall. It is very frustrating for all. But I don't seem to be able to control it. I honestly wish I could. A couple of hours later I may come across the feeling, emotion or thought thatwas bothering me and seemed unable to articulate at the time. I'm not sure how unusual this is. She also gets very irritated by my "mannerisms": as the arguments heat up it becomes more difficult for me to look her up in the eye; sometimes I repeat what she says to show agreement but she finds that insulting; when I start to become stressed I repetitively touch my eyes and she does not respond well to that; and so on.
This is 100% classic autistic behaviour.
Your partner is different and, by the sound of it, is also not the perfect communicator and negotiator. It is a shame that she felt unable to tell you (if I understand your first post correctly) and a shame that she couldn't use that insight to change the way that she dealt with you. Your partner may also be very stressed by the situation and may have considerable difficulty in behaving calmly and rationally. I hope that the mediator can unravel all of this and bring some peace to the situation. Perhaps the mediator can start to educate your partner about the way that people with autism behave.
As Clovis said, you are 50% of the relationship. You have just as many rights, and responsbilities, as your partner. I think that you need to be patient and try to understand what autism is and try and avoid any rash actions at this point when you are just processing this new information.
Further to what the Fabulous Ferret said I regard myself as running Unix while everyone else runs Windows.
I think your fears about the mediation seesions are justified. Would you be able to state at the start of the first session your fears as set out here? Then the mediator could address them. The mediation is for your benefit too. Explain also that you need longer to respond and assimilate information and the mediator should give you more time.
For years I felt that my communication in relationships was wrong and did all I could to hide how I really was and imitate and placate the other person. Relationships wore me down and made me feel a lesser person. Now I regard my way of communication as valid, the other person should do some adjusting too and its not fair if they see their way as the only way. I am 50% of the relationship after all.
There are many benefits to our way of communicating: we are more honest and less manipulative by and large and we don't seek to hurt or humiliate people.
I wish you lots of luck going forward.
Really good questions. Am I being too unreasonable and rigid on my position? I would like to think that is not being the case. I am trying to gauge what others think about my starting position and there seems to be a range of opinions. I suspect, however, I have presented it to her in too cold a way and this has not helped.
I am perhaps more concerned about the dynamics of the mediation session once they start. I need a lot of time to digest what she is saying and this becomes even more difficult when the tone heats up. She tends to accelerate and I tend to slow down. It gets to the point where my mind seems to shutdown and it goes blank, like a computer that has frozen, and I stay there unable to say anyhing, staring to an empty wall. It is very frustrating for all. But I don't seem to be able to control it. I honestly wish I could. A couple of hours later I may come across the feeling, emotion or thought thatwas bothering me and seemed unable to articulate at the time. I'm not sure how unusual this is. She also gets very irritated by my "mannerisms": as the arguments heat up it becomes more difficult for me to look her up in the eye; sometimes I repeat what she says to show agreement but she finds that insulting; when I start to become stressed I repetitively touch my eyes and she does not respond well to that; and so on. So, I guess I am anxious about what's coming in those sessions.
Mazinger said:I am also freaking out about the impending mediation to resolve custody and finances with my ex. Will she use this as an argument to defend her preference for sole custody (as in Im not fit to be a father because of my limitations for emotional communication)?
I am also freaking out about the impending mediation to resolve custody and finances with my ex. Will she use this as an argument to defend her preference for sole custody (as in Im not fit to be a father because of my limitations for emotional communication)?
Having autism does not mean that you are a bad person. You may struggle with communication but that does not make you unfit to be a parent.
Undiagnosed autism does cause relationship problems and some of these can lead to the breakup of marriages. Do you think that you have found yourself becoming unreasonable? - autism can cause some bad thinking patterns if it is not recognised or do you think that you are just unable to communicate with your ex?
hello mazinger
i am autistic. please take all that follows as open opinion.
your first point of call would be the gp. you require clarification of any suspicions you may have towards any condition, be that psychological or otherwise. you sound as if you have your bases covered thus far. the gp is the best place to begin, they should explore and give you a test.
until you have a diagnosis, all else is speculation. i personally would not fret (tough, tricky) over things that had yet to occur, or bridges i had yet to reach. however, many individuals do have an almost instinctive realisation when something 'fits'; often when they discover more about autism and the spectrum 'things start to make sense'. from what you outline, it does sound very similar to what others have experienced; the relief, the delayed anger etc etc. it can be a bit of a rollercoaster... again, your gp is the best place to start, and again, you have your base covered with your psychologist.
as regards your concerns in terms of your personal life; i am no relationship counsellor, nor lawyer. however, i would say that autism is a human condition, it does not make or cause some moral deviance per se. as autistics, we are peaceful, loving etc. we merely express ourselves in a different way. if the result is incompatibility with others, that is not our fault; in fact it is no-one's fault, it merely is a fact of life. again, speak to your psychologist, you need re-assurance and the 'sting' taking out of this for you in terms of any 'worries' or anxiety.
......
Notes:
as you are a programmer, i will lay out, in those parameters, some ideas associated with autism which may or may not assist you in comprehending autism and other issues relating to your current situation. please take all that follows as analogous for the most part, and/or as a reflective tool; discard if you deem it irrelevant:
autism is an operating system. it is, at the fundamental level, an I/O operating system (switching system) think of turing's engima code cracking machine 'christopher'. an autistic mind is a turing machine.
you mention limited ram. this is due to the speed of download (fast). the autistic i/o opsys has a wide bandwidth download capacity:
i/o ports are: eyes, ears, touch/other sensory input. the output port is: mouth/speech/touch/gesture/expressions either facial or body. (narrow bandwidth, slow)
the input/output base code = words/language and associated meaning (see dictionary, or any dictionary) there are variables inherent in the code.
think in terms of what the turing machine (or other computer) tries to do which is process all the input but often doesn't know what it's looking for.... the result is: lag. disk reads as full (but in fact isn't, it is merely trying to create/use its disk space as RAM)
disparity in communication = error reading on input/output ports - note here that any miscommunication that is perceived or received is merely a disparity caused by variables which are inherent in the i/o base code. when we speak, the code transfers across the airwaves like a radio signal and is received by another person. IF the receiver's knowledge of base i/o code is not the same as the sender/tranmitter's code, then there will be a gap in understanding. an error would read on the input/output port OR there would be a possibility of a trojan, or other scrambling process occurring.
autism can be considered an anologue operating system. neurotypical can be considered a digital operating system. communication between the two incompatible systems will result in an error formation ( trojan).
autism has an excellent hard drive. one of the best. trust it.
i put it to you: apply the prinicple of mutual exclusivity in probability and logic: you will find that the opsys does not have a trojan. there is no fault with the opsys. the read error is the result of a trojan that exists on the i/o port only, and data incoming and outgoing is corrupted at that point. there is therefore a readonly file stating that an error exists on the harddrive and that processing errors are a result of the harddrive and the data store, when in fact the harddrive is otherwise protected, and data storage is not corrupted. the base i/o opsys is protected. solution: purge of error data gathered and stored in readonly files in the last x number of years. then reapply the principle of mutal exclusivity to ensure purge complete.
Thanks for this. It´s helpful in terms of approaching the gp visit. I guess the diagnosis for me would be for getting some peace of mind about it and having external confirmation that the issues I have experienced all my life are due to Asperger´s. I know this is not treatable, but if this is it, I want to learn to be a better father to my daughter and to be able to develop better strategies for doing my work (I teach programming, I guess no surprise there) with students, and think of what reasonable adjustments I may want my employer to consider. I am also freaking out about the impending mediation to resolve custody and finances with my ex. Will she use this as an argument to defend her preference for sole custody (as in Im not fit to be a father because of my limitations for emotional communication)? How can I approach given my limited RAM for emotional discussions what are bound to be difficult mediation seasions?
Hi Mazinger,
Firstly, welcome to the forum. Your story is so typical (but also individually different) of many people on the forum. It is very hard for someone to tell someone else that they might have autism. Some people react very badly to that but obviously withholding that insight can also have a bad outcome. There is no right and wrong in this, people make decisions and some of them turn out to be bad decisions.
When you go and see your GP I think it is a good idea to separate out two sets of things to talk about.
a) why you think you fit the criteria
b) why having Asperger's (i.e. autism) is causing such a problem that requires treatment or special help.
A lot of people can see the autistic traits and behaviourrs in themsleves but this does not necessarily mean that they need a diagnosis and treatment.
In your case it sounds fairly straightforward, you are sufferring mental health issues and social issues that deserve to be treated and dealt with.
You need to understand that they will help deal with the consequences but the underlying autism is not treatable, and does not need treatment. (except that you need help in learning to live with it) You need help with depression and anxiety and these can be resolved if the underlying root cause can be understood.