Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I¨m a 47 year old male. Im suffering from and on medication for depression and anxiety linked to the recent separation from my partner. After 7 years of couple therapy she had enough. Linked to this I have started to seriously consider whether I may have Aspergers, after reading an article on it. Many of our difficulties stemmed from her concerns with lack of spontaneity, adherence to rigid routines, anxiety at small changes in daily routines and in the home environment, as well as my behaviour during our interactions (inability to keep eye contact, taking some of the things she said too literally, lack of empathy, extreme introversion, etc.). Many of these things have dampened all my previous relationships. When I first suspected Asperger´s may be the answer and told her, her response was "i didn´t know how to tell you". Since then I have gone in an obsessive frenzy to try to figure out whether this is the case or not. I´ve done all the tests I have been able to find (the whole Baron-Cohen catalog and all the others you find online). When I saw all the scores were typical of aspies I started to read Tony Attwood book to get a better sense. When I read this stuff, a lot of it resonates with past experiences and my life. My first reaction was one of relief. I finally had a template that could explain past difficulties and the way my life has been. But this has been followed by a more complex cocktail of emotions. Anger at nobody having noticed before, fear at the implications, a sense of shame at being wrong about the "self diagnosis". I´m concerned that this could be my depression talking. I am utterly confused and insecure. I have talked to some colleagues, partly to see their reactions and find some validation. The irony there is that I have been unable to tell from their responses what they were thinking (doo!): surprise, "i always thought you were weird and rude", "you must really be loosing your plot", fear... Go figure. I´m seeing my GP next week and have also engaged with a psychotherapist with experience with autism. So hopefully I will be finding some answers. But I guess engaging with others in this forum may also help me to get a better sense of who I am. But also to break the loneliness.
thanks
hello mazinger
i am autistic. please take all that follows as open opinion.
your first point of call would be the gp. you require clarification of any suspicions you may have towards any condition, be that psychological or otherwise. you sound as if you have your bases covered thus far. the gp is the best place to begin, they should explore and give you a test.
until you have a diagnosis, all else is speculation. i personally would not fret (tough, tricky) over things that had yet to occur, or bridges i had yet to reach. however, many individuals do have an almost instinctive realisation when something 'fits'; often when they discover more about autism and the spectrum 'things start to make sense'. from what you outline, it does sound very similar to what others have experienced; the relief, the delayed anger etc etc. it can be a bit of a rollercoaster... again, your gp is the best place to start, and again, you have your base covered with your psychologist.
as regards your concerns in terms of your personal life; i am no relationship counsellor, nor lawyer. however, i would say that autism is a human condition, it does not make or cause some moral deviance per se. as autistics, we are peaceful, loving etc. we merely express ourselves in a different way. if the result is incompatibility with others, that is not our fault; in fact it is no-one's fault, it merely is a fact of life. again, speak to your psychologist, you need re-assurance and the 'sting' taking out of this for you in terms of any 'worries' or anxiety.
......
Notes:
as you are a programmer, i will lay out, in those parameters, some ideas associated with autism which may or may not assist you in comprehending autism and other issues relating to your current situation. please take all that follows as analogous for the most part, and/or as a reflective tool; discard if you deem it irrelevant:
autism is an operating system. it is, at the fundamental level, an I/O operating system (switching system) think of turing's engima code cracking machine 'christopher'. an autistic mind is a turing machine.
you mention limited ram. this is due to the speed of download (fast). the autistic i/o opsys has a wide bandwidth download capacity:
i/o ports are: eyes, ears, touch/other sensory input. the output port is: mouth/speech/touch/gesture/expressions either facial or body. (narrow bandwidth, slow)
the input/output base code = words/language and associated meaning (see dictionary, or any dictionary) there are variables inherent in the code.
think in terms of what the turing machine (or other computer) tries to do which is process all the input but often doesn't know what it's looking for.... the result is: lag. disk reads as full (but in fact isn't, it is merely trying to create/use its disk space as RAM)
disparity in communication = error reading on input/output ports - note here that any miscommunication that is perceived or received is merely a disparity caused by variables which are inherent in the i/o base code. when we speak, the code transfers across the airwaves like a radio signal and is received by another person. IF the receiver's knowledge of base i/o code is not the same as the sender/tranmitter's code, then there will be a gap in understanding. an error would read on the input/output port OR there would be a possibility of a trojan, or other scrambling process occurring.
autism can be considered an anologue operating system. neurotypical can be considered a digital operating system. communication between the two incompatible systems will result in an error formation ( trojan).
autism has an excellent hard drive. one of the best. trust it.
i put it to you: apply the prinicple of mutual exclusivity in probability and logic: you will find that the opsys does not have a trojan. there is no fault with the opsys. the read error is the result of a trojan that exists on the i/o port only, and data incoming and outgoing is corrupted at that point. there is therefore a readonly file stating that an error exists on the harddrive and that processing errors are a result of the harddrive and the data store, when in fact the harddrive is otherwise protected, and data storage is not corrupted. the base i/o opsys is protected. solution: purge of error data gathered and stored in readonly files in the last x number of years. then reapply the principle of mutal exclusivity to ensure purge complete.