Devastated by my daughter's diagnosis

madam, yet again, in the politest possible terms, i hate to break this to you but you will find life very difficult if you do not a) have a reality check b) set aside your pre-concieved narrow guage mind-set. 

your daughter will not 'grow out of her problems'. this is an utterly false mindset, and a damaging one both psychologically in terms of expectations for your daughter, and emotionally. your social expectations are misguided in the extreme. your attitudes, social and philosophical, are borderline abusive or have the potential for abuse. long term your daughter will suffer emotionally, and psychologically from the expectations you impose upon her. 

autism is not a problem. it is a gift. if you perpetuate this thinking you will meet more than your fair share of people who will not only challenge you, but also you will find you are told quite frankly, that you are wrong.

I don't think it's fair to say that someone else /makes/ you feel like a bad mother.  We are each responsible for our reactions to situations and comments.  I'm sure it's hard to hear an outspoken view that challenges you right now, given that you have just had news that you find upsetting and see as an inherently bad thing.  If you can manage to think of the diagnosis (even if not the autism itself) as a positive thing that will help you both: now that you have a way of understanding your child's difficulties you can take steps to maximise her potential.  Denial and regret for loss of imagined futures will eat away at you if it continues, but it can take time to recognises all the hopes you held and find some acceptance - the unknown, that they may not happen, or they may happen although possibly not in a way you had predicted.

Something to keep in mind is that difficulty socialising is an inherent part of autism and, given the lifelong nature of autism, not something that is grown out of.  People may develop strategies as a workaround, and possibly appear to fit it, but it will take extra effort.  Also, trying to coax an autistic person into socialising like others could cause increased anxiety and have the opposite effect - if she's not worked it out on her own so far, then repeated exposure to the difficult situation (at least on its own) is surely a risky strategy.  Something that can help people is to develop an interest and have some social contact around that interest.  It gives something to talk about, for example through attending a club or society based on that interest.  Also social situations with some structure and clear expectations are helpful, rather than being in a space and left to try to make conversation.

I hope in time you will find ways to help your child, as you (both) come to understand more about what autism means for her and, by association, you.  Perhaps you could find out about local support e.g. a group or network for parents of autistic children, and you can share worries, experiences and strategies, as well as information for if (or possibly when) you need to get suitable support for your child.

The fact that you have posted here is an indication that you are seeking help to do the best that you can for your child, so you clearly care very much.  I hope you can find role models for yourself, to enable you better to accept the situation you have discovered that you are in.

All the best.

Well, now you've made me feel like a terrible mother. I do love my daughter, I just want her to fit in and not ruin her own chances at a life as she gets older. If she fits in, her teenage years will be better. Children can be so cruel, and the world is such a difficult place. I feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm sorry you think I'm so wrong to try and push her to be social, but the only way she'll grow out of her problems is with encouragement.

can'tbelievei'mhere

i am autistic. please note that the following is open opinion. also, being autistic, i am blunt but in no way intend to hurt, merely give the facts... and i don't mince my words, i speak truth from the heart.

madam, in the frankest possible terms, but also with kindest of intentions, get a grip! it is not your fault that your daughter is autistic, you have no need to be embarrassed at all, you are not a failure, and neither is your daughter.

autism is not a 'failure' of genetics, or upbringing, class, wealth or social standing. anyone who tells you that it is, is wrong. 

i seriously think you would benefit from giving very serious considering and reflection on your value sets whatever they may be, and throwing away any ideas regarding what is 'normal'. everyone is different. 

the true failure, if any can be considered here, is that your narrow guage or blinkered view/perspective on what a person and individual actually restricts you from realising and seeing the possibilities, and the benefits, of having a child that is not, and has not, and never will be, in a word, boring.

many autistics are: engineers, phsychologists, scientists, physicists, artists, musicians, philosophers, writers, actors, archeologists etc. etc. 

we struggle, with the ordinary and the everyday, but we excell at our areas of specialism. 

you will fail your daughter if you keep this narrow and blinkered view that has given rise to such bizarre expectations such as 'going to parties' or 'being social' or 'taking pride in oneself' as achievements to be held up as /worth/ something. they are not.

you seriously need to re-evaluate this thing: investing and guaging your own sense of success by the measure of how your daughter behaves.

your daughter is not a reflection of your success and failure. she is her own person. if you do not realise this, you will fail both yourself and your daughter. and most of all, you will fail to see the potentials in her for greatness, happiness, success, personal self-worth and self-esteem; most of all, love - and i'm not talking affection here, i'm talking something greater.

note to mods: yes, i know this is the usual blunt ferret, mod as you deem appropriate.