Realising After 42 Years That I have Autism

Hi RGV and hi to everyone, i too can see similarities of myself in your  life. I also was very shy as a child with very little self confidence  and not much self worth.I am 44ysr old now and in my second marriage. I have only been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome 4 yrs ago but only because my wife now saw some behaviour in me that she could,nt quite explain or put her finger on what it was but she knew i was,nt "normal" or NT as it is known as( Neuro-Typical) .I can't say i particulaly like the term "normal" and that now i have a label of being an Aspie. If i'm honest with myself, its taken the last four years  to come to terms with the realisation that i have had Aspergers all my life , but at least now i can start to understand why i do what i do and yes i am different. I have read a lot of books about other AS/NT relationship stories  , which is what i am in .My wife is NT and i consider myself an extremly lucky man that she is still with me ,she is an amazing woman to put up with what i put her through.As to my mind it is the NT partner that suffers the most in this type of relationship, as i am generally in a world of my own, a world that i thought was normal to everyone until i was diagnosed 4yrs ago.Which is what brings me to this community site, i would be interested to know of anybodywho is in a similar situation  who has any other areas of help and support so i can educate myself further to enable me to make my wifes life better and make me a better husband for her, as she deserves, many thanks everyone, i live in hope.

I can so relate to your experience, sounds very like mine.  Shy child, socially awkward, high IQ (fact, not bragging), Post-Grad qualification, genetic indications (one other close relative with a diagnosis, and one suspected in hindsight) and somehow managed a reasonably successsful career before taking early retirement in a redundancy exercise.

I got a diagnosis earlier this year.  It's helped me make sense of a lot of stuff.  If you want to, please do pursue a diagnosis - even if it turns out not to be ASC, you'll know, the uncertainty will be gone.

Good luck.

Sounds like you've been quite lucky throughout it all. I really do envy you.

My experience has been the complete opposite. I got diagnosed just last week at the age of 38 after spending 3 hours talking to psychiatrists and my father present.

And im still waiting to see a consultant to now confirm my adhd. There's such huge delays and the whole experience in being asessed and in just dealing with the NHS over the years has been horrendous.

I read this post hoping to see some similarities to myself to then gain some kind of solution to how I am dealing with it. The depression and anxieties that autism has caused, I just feel like i really need some help with it. But its not just that, I find the adhd has a lot more issues that I also cant deal with well.

Ive never been able to socialise in the same way as others, seem to lack the ability to engage fully and even now, when you are in amongst a group of people just sharing banter, I just cant take in what anyone says.

Seem to be better on one on ones, but even still, theres a lot of little things that arent right with this either. 

I cant hold down jobs, or a relationship, just split up with my latest girlfriend the other day. The only one as well that I told about my illnesses. She just couldnt handle me, the way I can talk when I get emotional or excited..its all just a bit odd.

I can fixate on things, on topics, and I can articulate well on factual topics that I hold some interest in.  But just trying to articulate in any other kind of way, either socially or on a topic I dont understand, is also impossible for me. 

Ive just been sat here in tears, loads of thoughts going on about life, the resentment at all this not being picked up when I was a lot younger. 

My lifes been pretty ***, turned to drugs as found it a way to socialise with others and I do still take cannabis as its just what Ive turned to.

Feel so lost right now, regret how my lifes turned out, guess ive just got to accept ill never be like others, just wish I could deal with it all better. :( 

Hi RG, Well, welcome to the club. On reading your reply it would seem to me you are on the spectrum. I was diagnosed later in life, a few years ago now, aged 42.

I recognise myself in you, for what it's worth and fully understand the pressures of spending a lifetime trying to "pass" as neurotypical. 

If you think having a formal diagnosis would be helpful then I would pursue it. For me, it has given me a "frame of reference" to work within. But also a lot of regret that I did not find out at least 20 years ago. 

I'm trying for sleep now, in case you reply while I am asleep. 

Alien.

Thanks Alien (great film btw),

There's no doubt I have social anxiety, but this embodies just some of the traits I have. As I meet people everyday it may be that these traits affect me more than those that do not concern others. And when I am surrounded by people I am comfortable around, I still have AS typical communication issues. There are some recognised autistic traits that I don't seem to have but I understand that autism can affect people in different ways, and I believe it is possible to 'train' your brain and your actions for social compliance, even before diagnosis. Many traits I have (including some social ones):

I have poor judgement or even willingness to greet people. I'd prefer to slip quietly into a social situation rather than bungle a potential uncomfortable hug or cheek kiss, which is usually accompanied by an inappropriate comment if I haven't had the chance beforehand to think of what I need to force myself to say. And although it sounds selfish, small talk is non-existant because to be honest I am rarely ever interested in how others are; I'm only really interested in my own thoughts and tend to lack even the desire for empathy of others.

From a child, when talking to people I have always looked anywhere but into their eyes, until more recent years where I will now force myself to do so, if I remember. When I do, I feel as though those eyes are smacking me with confusing barrage of emotions that are hard to make sense of.

My speech is often very repetative in terms of a fixated desire to get a specific point across, and monotone when I hear myself back, lacking emotion. Most emotions are things I very much keep bottled up in my head.

I have to typical traits of being very put out by changes in routines, being proficient in mental maths and insisting on things being in order, such as chronological, size, alphabetical, genre etc etc. I hate it when someone messes up my DVDs! :)

With food, texture is probably more important to me than the taste. Food has to have plenty of moisture, such as a sauce or gravy. Texture being also very important in what clothes I where. For example, I hate the feeling of shirts, especially with a colar. So much so that I have been known to insist on wearing a black T-shirt for a funeral.

I've always had fleetings with OCD or repetative behaviours. For example, if i was to scuff a heal, I'd have to scuff the other one for 'balance', but if that was done too hard I'd have to scuff both a second time in a way to try balance it again. I knew it was madness, but the urge was too strong. This is just one example.

And without going into too much detail, issues have always arose during long term relationships that cause them to pretty much become celibate very quickly, and many of the related issues documented online with this I recognise greatly. Here by the way lies a source of much animosity in my house.

I'm not saying I 100% am on the autistic spectrum, but every day I remember some issues from my past, including my childhood which makes so much more sense with the assumption I am. I know we as humans have a tendancy to want to believe in things that give us answers to our unresolved questions, but sometimes if it runs around waggling a tail, barking... it might just be a dog after all.

RG

Have you considered you may have social anxiety as opposed to being on the autistic spectrum? Do you have any other problems related to ASD such as sensory issues?