Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I, and my wife have for some years jokingly commented on my 'autistic traits', but after hearing of some of the symptons of autism and aspergers I began to read more, and gradually came to realise that I really did have many of the traits. I took the 'non-diagnostic' online test a couple of times and scored 35 & 37. Since then I haven't been able to take my mind far away from the topic and keep remembering occurances throughout my life which until now I haven't been able to make sense of, explain why they happened, or why I acted the way I did. Not only do I now have an explanation for them, but realise that whereas I thought I was just a bit different from everyone else, in fact, my mannerisms are common, just not in the community that I live within. Hense my desire to get in touch with this online community, where I'm hoping to find people who actually understand what I'm going through.
I'm a 42yo male. My father has always shown traits, and my young nephew was officially diagnosed on the autistic spectrum a few years ago, so if genes do play their part, it wouldn't be a surprise me having it too.
When I was a child I was cripplingly shy, talked to very few people, and would often much prefer to sit by myself in a world of my own rather than being involved in group activies. Nowadays I am still very aukward meeting and greeting people, and avoid parties when I can. I can often come across as immature and often find myself regretting things I have said.
Please don't think I'm being big headed here, but just trying to make a point... I have a degree and a post-grad qualification, an IQ of around 130, have an imaginative mind, and as a child learnt a musical instrument to grade 8 within 5 years of starting. I find it easy to pick up new skills, whether it's music, computer/website programming, or home DIY. Aside from verbal communication, I believe I have very good common sense; but this where problems start. It can be very frustrating when others around me constantly do what I feel are silly things. I feel I'm a perfectionist in everything I do, and expect it of everyone else. I get annoyed with those around me, and they seem to get annoyed by the way my autism affects them. Tbh, I feel like a cat in a dogs home, looking very similar, but with very different thoughts and desires, forcing myself to bark to fit in with the pack. Maintaining peace and harmony in family relationships and friendships is hard work, for everyone.
Ok... I could go on and on and on but better stop. If you got this far, thank you.
RG
Sounds like you've been quite lucky throughout it all. I really do envy you.
My experience has been the complete opposite. I got diagnosed just last week at the age of 38 after spending 3 hours talking to psychiatrists and my father present.
And im still waiting to see a consultant to now confirm my adhd. There's such huge delays and the whole experience in being asessed and in just dealing with the NHS over the years has been horrendous.
I read this post hoping to see some similarities to myself to then gain some kind of solution to how I am dealing with it. The depression and anxieties that autism has caused, I just feel like i really need some help with it. But its not just that, I find the adhd has a lot more issues that I also cant deal with well.
Ive never been able to socialise in the same way as others, seem to lack the ability to engage fully and even now, when you are in amongst a group of people just sharing banter, I just cant take in what anyone says.
Seem to be better on one on ones, but even still, theres a lot of little things that arent right with this either.
I cant hold down jobs, or a relationship, just split up with my latest girlfriend the other day. The only one as well that I told about my illnesses. She just couldnt handle me, the way I can talk when I get emotional or excited..its all just a bit odd.
I can fixate on things, on topics, and I can articulate well on factual topics that I hold some interest in. But just trying to articulate in any other kind of way, either socially or on a topic I dont understand, is also impossible for me.
Ive just been sat here in tears, loads of thoughts going on about life, the resentment at all this not being picked up when I was a lot younger.
My lifes been pretty ***, turned to drugs as found it a way to socialise with others and I do still take cannabis as its just what Ive turned to.
Feel so lost right now, regret how my lifes turned out, guess ive just got to accept ill never be like others, just wish I could deal with it all better. :(