Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I, and my wife have for some years jokingly commented on my 'autistic traits', but after hearing of some of the symptons of autism and aspergers I began to read more, and gradually came to realise that I really did have many of the traits. I took the 'non-diagnostic' online test a couple of times and scored 35 & 37. Since then I haven't been able to take my mind far away from the topic and keep remembering occurances throughout my life which until now I haven't been able to make sense of, explain why they happened, or why I acted the way I did. Not only do I now have an explanation for them, but realise that whereas I thought I was just a bit different from everyone else, in fact, my mannerisms are common, just not in the community that I live within. Hense my desire to get in touch with this online community, where I'm hoping to find people who actually understand what I'm going through.
I'm a 42yo male. My father has always shown traits, and my young nephew was officially diagnosed on the autistic spectrum a few years ago, so if genes do play their part, it wouldn't be a surprise me having it too.
When I was a child I was cripplingly shy, talked to very few people, and would often much prefer to sit by myself in a world of my own rather than being involved in group activies. Nowadays I am still very aukward meeting and greeting people, and avoid parties when I can. I can often come across as immature and often find myself regretting things I have said.
Please don't think I'm being big headed here, but just trying to make a point... I have a degree and a post-grad qualification, an IQ of around 130, have an imaginative mind, and as a child learnt a musical instrument to grade 8 within 5 years of starting. I find it easy to pick up new skills, whether it's music, computer/website programming, or home DIY. Aside from verbal communication, I believe I have very good common sense; but this where problems start. It can be very frustrating when others around me constantly do what I feel are silly things. I feel I'm a perfectionist in everything I do, and expect it of everyone else. I get annoyed with those around me, and they seem to get annoyed by the way my autism affects them. Tbh, I feel like a cat in a dogs home, looking very similar, but with very different thoughts and desires, forcing myself to bark to fit in with the pack. Maintaining peace and harmony in family relationships and friendships is hard work, for everyone.
Ok... I could go on and on and on but better stop. If you got this far, thank you.
RG
Thanks Alien (great film btw),
There's no doubt I have social anxiety, but this embodies just some of the traits I have. As I meet people everyday it may be that these traits affect me more than those that do not concern others. And when I am surrounded by people I am comfortable around, I still have AS typical communication issues. There are some recognised autistic traits that I don't seem to have but I understand that autism can affect people in different ways, and I believe it is possible to 'train' your brain and your actions for social compliance, even before diagnosis. Many traits I have (including some social ones):
I have poor judgement or even willingness to greet people. I'd prefer to slip quietly into a social situation rather than bungle a potential uncomfortable hug or cheek kiss, which is usually accompanied by an inappropriate comment if I haven't had the chance beforehand to think of what I need to force myself to say. And although it sounds selfish, small talk is non-existant because to be honest I am rarely ever interested in how others are; I'm only really interested in my own thoughts and tend to lack even the desire for empathy of others.
From a child, when talking to people I have always looked anywhere but into their eyes, until more recent years where I will now force myself to do so, if I remember. When I do, I feel as though those eyes are smacking me with confusing barrage of emotions that are hard to make sense of.
My speech is often very repetative in terms of a fixated desire to get a specific point across, and monotone when I hear myself back, lacking emotion. Most emotions are things I very much keep bottled up in my head.
I have to typical traits of being very put out by changes in routines, being proficient in mental maths and insisting on things being in order, such as chronological, size, alphabetical, genre etc etc. I hate it when someone messes up my DVDs! :)
With food, texture is probably more important to me than the taste. Food has to have plenty of moisture, such as a sauce or gravy. Texture being also very important in what clothes I where. For example, I hate the feeling of shirts, especially with a colar. So much so that I have been known to insist on wearing a black T-shirt for a funeral.
I've always had fleetings with OCD or repetative behaviours. For example, if i was to scuff a heal, I'd have to scuff the other one for 'balance', but if that was done too hard I'd have to scuff both a second time in a way to try balance it again. I knew it was madness, but the urge was too strong. This is just one example.
And without going into too much detail, issues have always arose during long term relationships that cause them to pretty much become celibate very quickly, and many of the related issues documented online with this I recognise greatly. Here by the way lies a source of much animosity in my house.
I'm not saying I 100% am on the autistic spectrum, but every day I remember some issues from my past, including my childhood which makes so much more sense with the assumption I am. I know we as humans have a tendancy to want to believe in things that give us answers to our unresolved questions, but sometimes if it runs around waggling a tail, barking... it might just be a dog after all.