Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello to all members. So interesting to read everyone's personal stories and experiences.
I do not know if I have an autistic child. We have never sought a diagnosis or even talked about it as a couple.
As a result our son is now 16, but I have had a few creeping concerns for about him for about 3 years now. If he does have a problem it's very mild.
He is one of our four children (second eldest) and right from when he was a baby it was always he who I have felt a special bond with. He always appeared the more vulnerable, the more fragile.
I'm not going to go through all of the 'signs' that ring true for him in this first post. There are of course many that don't ring true also. But there are a few difficulties in social situations, a very limited range of interests. He spends most of his time alone in his room, and although not without friends, doesn't appear to make them easily. He is bright enough that he excelled in maths when he was a child, memorised all the worlds flags when he was 5, and used to 'read' childrens books out loud to people when he was 3. He couldn't in fact read, he had just memorised them. Now he isn't interested in anything except football, and will not partake in conversation about anything else at all. He's doing average in school.
Why is he not tested? Because i don't feel confident enough in our position to access good local health services with regards to this type of situation. We live in rural France and the services are a bit basic. Also our command of the language isn't up to the subtleties, impressions and nuances of discussing something like this. French doctors are notorious for throwing pills at every situation, and our GP is a master of the art.
Anyway, big strength to everyone, and a bo=ig hello
Could you read up on some of the solutions that work for autistic people, and suggest them to him without mentioning where they come from? I discovered that I have a problem with Executive Function, that has stopped me doing things I've wanted to do all my life. From reading about the problem, including advice from people like Tony Attwood, I've started doing some things differently, and it works. It's just a different way of doing things, that happens to work for me. It doesn't have an "autistic" label attached to it.
Perhaps you could identify one of his problems, find out some ASD related solutions to it, and have a talk to him about it. Say you've noticed that he has a problem doing that thing, and say you read something somewhere about some different ways to do it. Suggest he tries it, and you'll help, but only if he wants it.
Thank very much for your reply. No-one has to help so it is appreciated.
I think we have been doing some things right, but not all. He and I have had some heated debates in the past, which have even become physical. But I have managed to stop that totally, as he has also matured somewhat.
But he is such a sensitive, insecure lad that I at present don't want to even mention that he might have a 'condition' of any sort, without being sure myself. And even then I'm not sure.
He goes to school on the 06:40 bus, but he gets up at 5am to get ready for it. It's great that he's so organised but it's exhausting him. He says if he gets up any later he stresses, so he'd rather be early. If I drive him to football he tells me what time we need to leave, and if we're 2 mins late in leaving he stresses all the way and kind of panics.
He's always been this way but I never considered him as being on the spectrum. But you know what it's like - once you consider something like this, then more and more episodes and characteristics seem to fit.
Thanks again. If he was to be diagnosed it would at least allow us to bear it in mind in our dealing with him. We might stop trying to change his ways, and just allow him to be him. Just understand more perhaps.
I think the online tests can be a useful tool. As mid warns, it's best not to read too much into them, but they do often get used as part of the formal evaluation process in order to identify which areas need looking at more closely - so, within the limitations of being "self-reported", they are reasonable respected by clinicians.
Has your son ever considered using forums like this himself? Most of the ones I visit are happy to welcome people without a formal diagnosis (most countries don't have free health care, so there are plenty of people who simply can't afford to get diagnosed). Autistic people themselves are by far the best people to get good advice from, as most doctors and therapists are not themselves autistic. Your son might benefit from getting to know some people online who are similar to him, in a space where his traits are not going to be judged or criticised.
You can't self-diagnose, it is really a complex history taking and really it doesn't make a scrap of difference, (my own thoughts) whether your son is diagnosed or not. I think you must have been doing the right things to have got to this age (16?). But you/he can have a go at the Autism Spectrum Quotient scoring. You/he can do this on line for fun. It gives a result out of 50, and people with autism spectrum conditions usually (not always) score over 32, as do some people without autism! So it is not a brilliant test, but tells you what your/his autistic traits are.
Good luck,
M.
Thank you for your replies.
Yes I had seen articles like that one before, plus I am also scared off by the poor-to-non-existant treatment a friend's daughter had for her dyslexia. I thought if they can't handle dyslexia, what hope do autistic kids have?
Anyway, my griping won't solve anything. We made the decision to live in France for better or worse, so we have to deal with things as they stand.
Home schooling is not an option, he's too old to start that, and his tempers and touchiness would see that that idea in short order.
I guess I just would really like a diagnosis. Does anyone know of a kind of diagnosis one can do at home? or online perhaps?
And could anyone with experience tell me what should change in our lives if he diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum? Given that medical or educational help won't come into play, it will have to all come from the family. We will have to have the condition in our mind, and treat him with a lot more understanding. We are a kind tolerant and very loving family so that won't harm I guess.
Welcome to the forum CoffeeGuy,
Based on what I've read online on a couple of international autism forums, I think you're right to be cautious about seeking a diagnosis while you are living in France.
Sadly, France is notorious for being completely out of step with the rest of Europe in the diagnosis and treatment of autism. In particular, it seems to be common there that the medical system still hangs on to the long disproven idea that autism is caused by bad parenting, and that it can be treated by forcibly preventing patients from displaying their autistic traits.
For example...
Activists call for better autism treatment in France
It seems a shame that I have to be so negative in my first post to you, but some of the awful treatment of autistic people there that I have read about makes me feel obliged to warn you to tread very carefully. Hopefully, the everyday folk there have a more enlightened view than many of the doctors do.
Best wishes.
Hi coffeeguy,
We used to live east of Troyes, but we never let on that I was autistic as they seem to have a hosptial full of people with autism! This, thankfully, is now closing and people are being started to be cared for in their communities. We are planning on moving back to France soon, and this time I will have to let the doctor know about the autism, as I occasionally feel suicidal.
I hope that your son manages within the education system. I struggled, but now I'm doing my PhD I have a mentor, who is excellent.