Whole life flashing before my eyes since diagnosis!

Update. Now have my autism diagnosis recorded in my medical notes 4 months late. I was also told mental health services are refusing to reconsider the bipolar diagnosis from years ago. They won’t even see me for assessment. They say I’m “in remission “. No bipolar symptoms in 11 years despite no psychiatric medication in 11 years and no therapy in 11 years. I must be a uniquely vanishingly rare case 

Great. Now I found out my GP practice haven’t even recorded my autism diagnosis in my medical notes. The GP practice changed their email address and the referring clinician changed jobs so the emails containing my diagnosis report from the NHS Choices Provider sent four months ago were Never Opened. I have spent all day trying to sort it out. I am getting very frustrated and tired of it . I wondered why I never got a follow up from my GP 

I relate to this I find it intriguing as I’ve always been different and had so many problems one after another I could say my life was not mine but I’m still me just know why I was the way I am 

Yes the numerous injustices flash up for me all the time. Being kicked out of my school after being bullied for years comes to mind. It’s not your fault and you are not alone. If someone has to tell you you’re weird (which has happened to me at work in group situations) it usually means that they are a. Insecure, b trying to assert their vapid character onto a group or you c are most definitely neurotypical and closed to possibly. In which case don’t go there. The only power they have is the one you give them by reacting to them in such situations. I can relate to everything youer saying. We’ve all been made to feel this way for so long as a result of attempted preconditioning since we were young. These neurological people are so pathetic they go for children’s sweets  . Don’t trick yourself into believing you need to become anyone else but yourself.

Thank you 

Sorry to hear that. I wanted to clarify now I've read it back a few times, I was saying that, 'I have found lot of NT people mask as well', not that you were or are NT. I don't and wouldn't make assumptions about anyone. I was trying to say I've had experiences of NT masking as well, it obviously wasn't received as intended. Best of luck.

Oh, I do wish you well with the gp visit!

I've lost count of all the different diagnoses I've been given, got to laugh now really. I always knew that weren't it.

Thank you for this! 

I relate to this because I was diagnosed four months ago aged 55. My mind seems to be going through a Review and Reassessment phase where I can now clearly identify manifestations of my autism throughout my life. Eg meltdowns in childhood and adulthood, social misunderstandings, hyper focus and special interests. I think it’s a process of looking back on my life through a new and clearer perspective. 

I am also pretty sure I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder in my 20s and was medicated for it inappropriately which made my life so much worse. I also had alcohol addiction and I’m currently 11 years sober. After I quit the booze I pretty quickly quit the psychiatric medication. The result? No more “bipolar symptoms “ just unpoluted autistic traits. 

So tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to look at the bipolar diagnosis again in light of my autism diagnosis and never having had any bipolar symptoms in 11 years straight (if I ever had them in the first place). I’m a bit anxious about this because I lost trust with the psychiatric profession a long time ago. So it’s a huge step but one I need to take. 

Yes me too Emerald 

I am regularly revisited by unbidden memories that appear to be demanding my attention to be in some way resolved.  Many of them linked to misunderstandings and difficulty assimilating and integrating.

There is a line from a Terry Pratchett book that springs to mind where a departing person asks the persona of death whether they can expect all their life to pass before them at that point.  Death humorously replies "no that is what occurs in life before you die" or some such thing.

I find it upsetting that so much of the present is missed or perhaps in some way "spoiled" by the need to review past events personally and this took place especially for me when reframing my view of life post diagnosis.

I can share with you that the extent of this experience has lessened for me post diagnosis and I now  few years after find it less debilitating and psychologically painful.

And maybe this is how things go.

Best Wishes

People bullied me cause I was different people online call me autistic, specail and more been treated differently my entire life my mother sees me as lazy and adult who doesn't want to grow up 

If you're emplying im Nt I'm far from sadly if not im struggling to understand 

I am not great with words, I say a lot of words but I struggle to get my point across, so apols. You have outlined it perfectly above. Its brave to be open about shame as I find it v difficult to connect with specific emotions. I can't speak for others but I have found that a lot of NT people mask as well and when they see someone being themselves it can create a bit of envy as they wish they could do that, but they wont at the expense of fitting in with the social norms (whatever the hell they are).

I have memories that seem to appear out of nowhere. e.g. a specific tube journey (15yrs ago) I didn't want to take as I felt a weird pull in the base of my stomach and my gut was telling me I really don't want to do this! Another would be when I was trying my best to speak in (almost every meeting) but all I could feel was my face getting red, back sweating and wanting the ground to swallow me up.

I'm sure you're not weird that's just what other people say as a deflection due to misunderstanding/confusion. I don't think I will ever lose the 'old' me but I'm trying to amalgamate the two into a relaunched version?!

Anyway I've waffled for long enough.

Hope that helps. Take care. Joey. 

Im with you im cone off as normal to strangers as I've been practicing how to be normal for so long but on my own woth online people im very different person that's why I may never get a diagnosis I dont have winded speech or echolalia or issues talking to the testers im limited on wjat to say because I get wedgy trying to think and very limited in what to say because I really don't know how to answers questions if I could just ramble on about all my difficulties them maybe id be ok 

some days I go through many emotions in a day which feel like I am reliving large chunks of my life. Or at least the way I view this is that I am revisiting memories which are linked to feelings from a specific time. Dealing with emotions can be something which I avoid but if I am being creative and in a safe space letting them flood over me in a controlled way can be helpful/useful if I am managing that time. There is a fine line it would be very easy to become self indulgent or deep dive into areas to which prolonged exposure could lead to feeling morose or worse still some kind of dependency.

Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community!

Following diagnosis, it can be common for us to experience a lot of emotional dysregulation. Besides perhaps feeling some relief about having an explanation for our difficulties, this can include working through a phase where we experience changing mixes of confusion, uncertainty, so-called "imposter syndrome", and/or (backward-focused) anger, frustration, grieving, and more. So please don't worry - it's normal! 

As for many others here, my own diagnosis turned out to be the start of a new journey, rather than providing solutions for my difficulties.

The NAS has a great set of articles focused on "after diagnosis", including one covering how you might feel during the subsequent days / weeks / months. You might find them of interest and/or helpful:

NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis - includes perspectives from other autistics

NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis including:

• Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
• Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
• Formal support following an autism diagnosis
• What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

Therapy (or counselling) is often recommended after a diagnosis, as a follow up action for your GP to arrange. If you prefer, depending on where you are in the UK, you may instead be able to self refer for talking therapy on the NHS.

Before arranging it, you might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful:

The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

Finally, I'll just mention a couple of books that I and others have found helpful early on in our post-diagnosis journeys:

Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask!

How to Be Autistic (free download currently available via this page)

I do recognise this feeling, but I agree with Martin too. I think it's useful to look back at past events through your new autistic lens and gain a better understanding of yourself.

Your adaptations are a part of you. Just like being able to speak a second language or play a musical instrument. You are a product of your autism and your lived experience. If your 'normal persona' has been useful to you, and other people, is it worth jettisoning it completely?

You can chose to view past failings as being those of an autistic person in an environment that is inimical to you, and forgive yourself and others.