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Whole life flashing before my eyes since diagnosis!

Emerald

I am experiencing a constant stream of memories from my whole life, several decades of it. So much misunderstanding, judgement and rejection, and now i know why i have always been 'weird' for other people. Any big stress and i would talk about myself too much. I have felt so much shame for doing this.  Contrasted with my 'normal' persona which was ultra polite, kind, helpful and 'such a good listener' and, i now see, not 'me' at all but an adaptation to try to belong, i guess others were confused and put off by me. 

Does anyone relate to this?

  • Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community!

    Following diagnosis, it can be common for us to experience a lot of emotional dysregulation. Besides perhaps feeling some relief about having an explanation for our difficulties, this can include working through a phase where we experience changing mixes of confusion, uncertainty, so-called "imposter syndrome", and/or (backward-focused) anger, frustration, grieving, and more. So please don't worry - it's normal! 

    As for many others here, my own diagnosis turned out to be the start of a new journey, rather than providing solutions for my difficulties.

    The NAS has a great set of articles focused on "after diagnosis", including one covering how you might feel during the subsequent days / weeks / months. You might find them of interest and/or helpful:

    NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis - includes perspectives from other autistics

    NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis including:

    • Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
    • Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
    • Formal support following an autism diagnosis
    • What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

    Therapy (or counselling) is often recommended after a diagnosis, as a follow up action for your GP to arrange. If you prefer, depending on where you are in the UK, you may instead be able to self refer for talking therapy on the NHS.

    Before arranging it, you might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful:

    The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

    Finally, I'll just mention a couple of books that I and others have found helpful early on in our post-diagnosis journeys:

    Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask!

    How to Be Autistic (free download currently available via this page)

  • I do recognise this feeling, but I agree with Martin too. I think it's useful to look back at past events through your new autistic lens and gain a better understanding of yourself.

  • Your adaptations are a part of you. Just like being able to speak a second language or play a musical instrument. You are a product of your autism and your lived experience. If your 'normal persona' has been useful to you, and other people, is it worth jettisoning it completely?

    You can chose to view past failings as being those of an autistic person in an environment that is inimical to you, and forgive yourself and others.