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Whole life flashing before my eyes since diagnosis!

Emerald

I am experiencing a constant stream of memories from my whole life, several decades of it. So much misunderstanding, judgement and rejection, and now i know why i have always been 'weird' for other people. Any big stress and i would talk about myself too much. I have felt so much shame for doing this.  Contrasted with my 'normal' persona which was ultra polite, kind, helpful and 'such a good listener' and, i now see, not 'me' at all but an adaptation to try to belong, i guess others were confused and put off by me. 

Does anyone relate to this?

Parents

  • I am not great with words, I say a lot of words but I struggle to get my point across, so apols. You have outlined it perfectly above. Its brave to be open about shame as I find it v difficult to connect with specific emotions. I can't speak for others but I have found that a lot of NT people mask as well and when they see someone being themselves it can create a bit of envy as they wish they could do that, but they wont at the expense of fitting in with the social norms (whatever the hell they are).

    I have memories that seem to appear out of nowhere. e.g. a specific tube journey (15yrs ago) I didn't want to take as I felt a weird pull in the base of my stomach and my gut was telling me I really don't want to do this! Another would be when I was trying my best to speak in (almost every meeting) but all I could feel was my face getting red, back sweating and wanting the ground to swallow me up.

    I'm sure you're not weird that's just what other people say as a deflection due to misunderstanding/confusion. I don't think I will ever lose the 'old' me but I'm trying to amalgamate the two into a relaunched version?!

    Anyway I've waffled for long enough.

    Hope that helps. Take care. Joey. 

  • in reply to Mads

    People bullied me cause I was different people online call me autistic, specail and more been treated differently my entire life my mother sees me as lazy and adult who doesn't want to grow up 

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