Loneliness & emotions

Appreciate your honesty

Thank you this is much appreciated. Helps to know other people.understand

pdaddio83 said:

It's a paradox of wanting to be alone because it is safe, yet wishing I had some contact with people

Same here mate. The troughs can be so hard to come through.

I think many of us feel this, I certainly do. A sort of constant push-and-pull with your needs. I've started referring to this myself as the peaks and troughs of my life. At best I can feel perfectly comfortable with my life and how I choose to experience it in some solitude. That doesn't last forever though, so then my mood will dip, I'll start to feel lonely and question what I'm doing wrong and does anyone actually want to be around me. And eventually back it goes again to thinking actually my life is fine as it is. It's a paradox of wanting to be alone because it is safe, yet wishing I had some contact with people - if only they would come to me so I didn't have to do the hard work (because it does actually feel like work, an effort).

I am fortunate though in that I do have family and a couple of friends who I could rely on. So when those changes to my mood do happen again, I have to make myself remember it isn't permanent.

Thank you bunny this is very practical advice and is much appreciated

Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate everyone's helpful comments. It does help to know that there is understanding. 

You might like to consider asking your GP to refer you to a social prescriber. This linked page explains the service fully, but in essence: "It is an approach that connects people to activities, groups, and services in their community to meet the practical, social and emotional needs that affect their health and wellbeing".:

NHS - Social prescribing

The advice here might also be helpful:

NAS - Loneliness

NAS - Making friends - a guide for autistic adults

NAS - Family relationships (including guides for your family members)

I can relate to all of that. I just try my best to see family when I'm invited somewhere but Ifnitnisna very loud event I usually stay home. There are times that the sensory overload is too much and if I'm not home I can't control my environment. So I love being at home with my animals and doing art or working on hobbies, cleaning, and doing my daily routines here. When I do go out I have a hand signal with my husband. If i squeeze 5 times that means I need to just go get some space and decide if I may need to leave or if I just needed a break. 

Thank you for the book recommendation. This looks very interesting & I have read Some of Temple Grandins other work so thank you for sharing this.

Thank you so much for your response. What you express about time alone yet missing social interaction is so accurate.. I really appreciate you sharing your experience in this regard. 

Thank you for the  good advice on clear communication too. Definitely a work in progress!

Thank you I really appreciate your thoughtful comment. 

I'm sure a lot of people here will empathise with your description.  I was told - many years ago - that I had to make an effort to 'fit in' because it obviously wasn't happening naturally.  So, as a child, you try to avoid displeasing people and copy things that you see other children do, and that adults do - I guess in the belief that that is what is acceptable, natural or not.  Every so often, that seemed to bring a good reaction from older people, so I suppose I carried on, but my lack of social skills & nuances didn't tell me when enough was enough, so I guess I never could read the room.  

People thought I was being deliberately difficult, when in fact much of me wanted to be involved. I think all people need their own space, and all need integration - and ASD people are no different in that regard. It is just a huge compatibility issue for me, and always has been. 

It doesn't necessarily get much easier when trying to integrate with other ASD people either, as there's no guarantee that your moments of expression are going to coincide with theirs - and no guarantee you'll care for their special interests.  In fact, don't they say that opposites are meant to attract? 

I realise now I set out to reply here to help in some way, but I've likely made it worse - or added to the confusion at least.  All I can say is I agree. 

I've also had that dichotomy of valuing and benefiting from time alone, but at the exact same time missing social interaction. It's weird and frustrating and if you find a good solution to "wanting to be left alone while at the same time missing people" please tell me.

I find online connections are sometimes a good compromise because there isn't the expectation for immediate responses, but you're still interacting.

I noticed you say you end up "feeling like" you've upset someone and worry about how you come across. Not that you definitely do upset people or that they actually think you come across disinterested or not caring. Maybe they're not upset and don't think you come across like that? Could you be worrying unnecessarily?

I still worry occasionally that I might have upset my partner. If I do, then I just ask if I have. I know he will tell me the truth because that's how he is. Most of the time I haven't upset him. The rare occasions I have then we talk about it and sort it out.

Don't know if that would work for everyone, but establishing clear expectations for communication works for us.

Welcome to the forums Marmaladepink

Marmaladepink said:

I sometimes think I'm not really sure what the rules are with relationships

This books should explain these to you:

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
ISBN: 9781941765388

Puting the rules into practice is a different matter however as from my experiences here many autists seem to struggle to apply the information learned., if they even stay the course to learn them.

From my perspective, knowledge = power so I educated myself and have been able to put it to good use through the years and avoided most of the usual social and personal relationship mistakes, although at the cost of not always being as authentic as I would perhaps like to be.

However since for autistic adults we make up only 1% of the population in our age group I think it is unlikely that the other 99% will bother to learn to accept me so I chose to bend to their rules in order to fit into their world.

You would need to find a balance that works for you if you choose this route however.