A little bit of advice

Hi, I've been in a relationship for over 40 years - I'm an "Aspie" woman and my other half exhibits traits that strongly suggest he is almost certainly on the spectrum too.

Everyone has problems and issues with their relationships and have to learn to compromise, and we are all different, but there are specific issues that may crop up with autistic people.

We need to know what is going to happen and when, so make sure you have set daily /weekly schedules (with any changes being made as much in advance as possible)and all your family & friends know to try not to be late for any get togethers, to minimise his anxiety.

We need to feel in control, so make sure you consult him on anything that affects him.

Like everyone, autistic people may be very physically affectionate or may not, but it's important to remember that some of us have certain issues around being touched (in a certain way/ place) and some of us need space if we're feeling stressed and won't necessarily be comforted by a hug.

You have done the right thing trying to talk about the compliments, the saying he loves you and the intimacy/affection stuff, but of course talking - particularly about personal things - can be difficult for autistic people. Try giving him some space - make sure he has some alone time scheduled in each day to decompress, and don't try to talk about anything serious for a while - keep things loving, but light hearted. 

I do understand what you mean by "the wall". My autistic daughter will display this behaviour when she wants to avoid something (usually when she doesn't want to talk about something). I myself also exhibit this behaviour too, and it takes a lot of effort for me to remember to not do that and face the more difficult or personal talks. It sounds a bit like a defence mechanism, and it is definitely frustrating trying to break through that barrier, no matter your intentions.

I'm going to explain in relation to my daughter, which I appreciate is not exactly the same kind of relationship you're in, but hopefully it can provide some insight.

I've learned from my daughter that if I have to talk to her about something (say, a personal matter she would normally avoid), I have to ease into the conversation. Usually I'll talk to her about simple things that make her happy, get her in a good mood. Then I'll gradually start talking about the thing she wants to avoid, explaining why I need to discuss it. It doesn't always work, but I know that going straight into difficult subjects never works.

Also, me and her mother have had to accept that she doesn't really tell us she loves us or hugs us anymore. Sometimes that's sad, we've just had to adjust and remember that she really does deep down, even if she doesn't say it out loud. Or we pick up other ways she shows affection, like her giving a fist bump.

Being with an adult partner is obviously going to be a different experience, but maybe something here you could relate to.

It sounds like there are loads of good things about your relationship, and if this is issue for you you are of course right to try to talk to him about it. It must be very hard to be met with a ‘wall’ from him when you try to discuss this.

Communication is so important in relationships - it’s a shame he seems defensive when you raise this subject. I’m not really sure how you can resolve this without him being willing to truly listen to how your feel. Maybe the best way to address this is to find ways to reassure him that there is no criticism on any level in such a conversation - and reassure him that you are not judging him but just trying to make your relationship even happier. Do you know why he might be defensive? Could it be to previous relationships he’s had - either romantic or with friends and family? He needs to know that he can trust you and that anything you do or say regarding him is meant with love. 
Relationships do evolve over time and it’s not uncommon for things to become a little less passionate and romantic over time. Life can get in the way of romance sometimes can’t it? 
Perhaps you could also look at this from your angle to - for example: doesn’t it actually matter if you say “I love you” first - and then he says it back. If you truly know - deep inside - that he really does love you then can you be content with him not saying it so often? Can you meet him half way with this in some way?
I hope you can find a way to feel happier about this because it sounds like your relationship is well worth investing in and continuing. Good luck!

Crazydoglady24 said:

The reason for my question is I'm trying to gain understanding of how Asperger's affects people navigating a long term relationship, because also over the course of our relationship he's changed towards me in the way he acts with me

Hi and welcome to the community.

I'm really sorry to hear of your struggles.

It sounds like you might both benefit from couples therapy or counselling with an ASD-experienced professional. Is this something that you think he might be open to?

You might be able to find someone suitable in the NAS Autism Services Directory. Other options include searching via the BACP or Psychology Today websites. I haven't also linked to them, as posting too many links at once can cause posts to get quarantined for moderator approval.

I'll also suggest the following book, perhaps to read before and/or alongside therapy / counselling. It aims to help autistic / neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises for you both to do and discuss.

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner - Paperback - 3 May 2012 - by Cindy Ariel

(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now diagnosed as Autism Spectrum Disorder). 

Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the gender pronouns around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can become confusing at times and I find it very frustrating, as I keep needing to check / remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the trouble is worth the effort, I feel.

The NAS also has some related advice here:

Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

Thanks so much for your response. I feel so much better being able to gain more effective insight and being able to acknowledge that my lack of understanding needs addressing. They are great ways to look at the situations and yes I'll definitely give that a look.

There is a bit of an age gap between us me being the older in our relationship I'm 38 and he's only 27. This isn't an issue within our relationship we're both happy with this but obviously I appreciate it can impact our views and stuff. 

Also this is his longest relationship so I acknowledge now this is new territory for him to navigate which is why I wanted to increase my understanding to ensure we are able to work effectively as a couple and as a team together as we are soulmates as well as fiance's and want this future together we have planned.

I think this could be an age thing as much as an ASC one, a lot of guys think they only have to say it all at the begining and that you'll know how they feel. Is he feeling less amorous because of normal age related male issues? I think a dropping off in intimacy is quite common in any long term relationships, but with people with ASC it can be more marked as, as a bunch, we're often not that comfortable with being touched and feel pressure to allow ourselves to be touched, which effects intimacy.

I'd try looking at the 5 Languages of Love and see which types you both are, the book itself is heavily Christianised couples counselling, thst part of it didn't do anything for me, but the actual languages did. They are about what you need to feel loved and appreciated, it might be that be of you needs words of appreciation and the other gives you gifts, the gifts are very nice but..... The gift giver is probably asking themselves why their gifts aren't valued as symbols of the love you share. It seems daft but people can be together for quite a long time and not know this about each other, but once identified and each party gives the other what they need, things get a lot easier. This might be a more playful way of getting into a conversation about your relationship than having "A Conversation" where he feels pressure to say what he feels, when he's quite possibly having some sort of brain fart. I think many ASC people find their minds go blank and they freeze when asked directly how they feel about something, then they feel bad about not being able to answer, which increases the pressure next time the subject comes up.

Try and think outside of your box too, if he asks you why it's not obvious how much he loves and cares for you, take that on board, don't make it an us and them thing, but really try and think why you need to be reassured a lot? It might be that his family/parents weren't demonstrative towards each other and your's were, we all internalise these early childhood behaviours we observe around us.