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A little bit of advice

Crazydoglady24

Hey everyone.

So sorry for the long post!! I hope it makes sense.

I'm here for a little bit of advice.

Iv been with my fiancé for 18 months we've been engaged for nearly a year. And have plans for our future together.

I love him with all my heart and he's my world. And deep down I know he feels the same way about me.

He told me straight away that he has Asperger's and that didn't bother me in the slightest, my job was supporting people and I had a small amount of knowledge prior of this so when he told me it didn't bother me, I have a disability which I also told him about and the same he didn't view me any different and over the course of our relationship so far has taken on the role as my carer which I'm eternally grateful for.

He's also taken on responsibility of my children who are adults now 20 and 18 and also my 2 grandchildren which he's doing amazing at.

The reason for my question is I'm trying to gain understanding of how Asperger's affects people navigating a long term relationship, because also over the course of our relationship he's changed towards me in the way he acts with me. In the beginning he was over the top with compliments towards me and his feelings towards me and physical intimacy or affection didn't show up as an issue with him he would do it, but as we have been together longer and longer this has come up as an issue with him and it has started to affect me as I feel distanced from him. He's also said recently he doesn't give compliments as I should know how he feels about me so only believes he should have to say it once for me to know (different from the beginning). The same seems to be with saying he loves me. He does say it but only as a response to me saying it first. And I should know he loves me.

Physical intimacy and touch appears to be an issue but iv only been made aware of this recently when I noticed a severe decline in his partaking of this.

I'm just confused as if I try and have a conversation with him he takes offence and puts a wall up when all I'm trying to do is understand things from his point of view not criticise him.

I do know he loves me that's not something I'm questioning it's just me trying to gain better understanding and in my head deal with how differently things are in a neuro diverse relationship as iv never been in one before. And if people could give me there experience on compromising with aspects of their relationship to ensure everyone feels comfortable.

Parents

  • Hi, I've been in a relationship for over 40 years - I'm an "Aspie" woman and my other half exhibits traits that strongly suggest he is almost certainly on the spectrum too.

    Everyone has problems and issues with their relationships and have to learn to compromise, and we are all different, but there are specific issues that may crop up with autistic people.

    We need to know what is going to happen and when, so make sure you have set daily /weekly schedules (with any changes being made as much in advance as possible)and all your family & friends know to try not to be late for any get togethers, to minimise his anxiety.

    We need to feel in control, so make sure you consult him on anything that affects him.

    Like everyone, autistic people may be very physically affectionate or may not, but it's important to remember that some of us have certain issues around being touched (in a certain way/ place) and some of us need space if we're feeling stressed and won't necessarily be comforted by a hug.

    You have done the right thing trying to talk about the compliments, the saying he loves you and the intimacy/affection stuff, but of course talking - particularly about personal things - can be difficult for autistic people. Try giving him some space - make sure he has some alone time scheduled in each day to decompress, and don't try to talk about anything serious for a while - keep things loving, but light hearted. 

Reply

  • Hi, I've been in a relationship for over 40 years - I'm an "Aspie" woman and my other half exhibits traits that strongly suggest he is almost certainly on the spectrum too.

    Everyone has problems and issues with their relationships and have to learn to compromise, and we are all different, but there are specific issues that may crop up with autistic people.

    We need to know what is going to happen and when, so make sure you have set daily /weekly schedules (with any changes being made as much in advance as possible)and all your family & friends know to try not to be late for any get togethers, to minimise his anxiety.

    We need to feel in control, so make sure you consult him on anything that affects him.

    Like everyone, autistic people may be very physically affectionate or may not, but it's important to remember that some of us have certain issues around being touched (in a certain way/ place) and some of us need space if we're feeling stressed and won't necessarily be comforted by a hug.

    You have done the right thing trying to talk about the compliments, the saying he loves you and the intimacy/affection stuff, but of course talking - particularly about personal things - can be difficult for autistic people. Try giving him some space - make sure he has some alone time scheduled in each day to decompress, and don't try to talk about anything serious for a while - keep things loving, but light hearted. 

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