Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone.
So sorry for the long post!! I hope it makes sense.
I'm here for a little bit of advice.
Iv been with my fiancé for 18 months we've been engaged for nearly a year. And have plans for our future together.
I love him with all my heart and he's my world. And deep down I know he feels the same way about me.
He told me straight away that he has Asperger's and that didn't bother me in the slightest, my job was supporting people and I had a small amount of knowledge prior of this so when he told me it didn't bother me, I have a disability which I also told him about and the same he didn't view me any different and over the course of our relationship so far has taken on the role as my carer which I'm eternally grateful for.
He's also taken on responsibility of my children who are adults now 20 and 18 and also my 2 grandchildren which he's doing amazing at.
The reason for my question is I'm trying to gain understanding of how Asperger's affects people navigating a long term relationship, because also over the course of our relationship he's changed towards me in the way he acts with me. In the beginning he was over the top with compliments towards me and his feelings towards me and physical intimacy or affection didn't show up as an issue with him he would do it, but as we have been together longer and longer this has come up as an issue with him and it has started to affect me as I feel distanced from him. He's also said recently he doesn't give compliments as I should know how he feels about me so only believes he should have to say it once for me to know (different from the beginning). The same seems to be with saying he loves me. He does say it but only as a response to me saying it first. And I should know he loves me.
Physical intimacy and touch appears to be an issue but iv only been made aware of this recently when I noticed a severe decline in his partaking of this.
I'm just confused as if I try and have a conversation with him he takes offence and puts a wall up when all I'm trying to do is understand things from his point of view not criticise him.
I do know he loves me that's not something I'm questioning it's just me trying to gain better understanding and in my head deal with how differently things are in a neuro diverse relationship as iv never been in one before. And if people could give me there experience on compromising with aspects of their relationship to ensure everyone feels comfortable.
I do understand what you mean by "the wall". My autistic daughter will display this behaviour when she wants to avoid something (usually when she doesn't want to talk about something). I myself also exhibit this behaviour too, and it takes a lot of effort for me to remember to not do that and face the more difficult or personal talks. It sounds a bit like a defence mechanism, and it is definitely frustrating trying to break through that barrier, no matter your intentions.
I'm going to explain in relation to my daughter, which I appreciate is not exactly the same kind of relationship you're in, but hopefully it can provide some insight.
I've learned from my daughter that if I have to talk to her about something (say, a personal matter she would normally avoid), I have to ease into the conversation. Usually I'll talk to her about simple things that make her happy, get her in a good mood. Then I'll gradually start talking about the thing she wants to avoid, explaining why I need to discuss it. It doesn't always work, but I know that going straight into difficult subjects never works.
Also, me and her mother have had to accept that she doesn't really tell us she loves us or hugs us anymore. Sometimes that's sad, we've just had to adjust and remember that she really does deep down, even if she doesn't say it out loud. Or we pick up other ways she shows affection, like her giving a fist bump.
Being with an adult partner is obviously going to be a different experience, but maybe something here you could relate to.