Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone.
So sorry for the long post!! I hope it makes sense.
I'm here for a little bit of advice.
Iv been with my fiancé for 18 months we've been engaged for nearly a year. And have plans for our future together.
I love him with all my heart and he's my world. And deep down I know he feels the same way about me.
He told me straight away that he has Asperger's and that didn't bother me in the slightest, my job was supporting people and I had a small amount of knowledge prior of this so when he told me it didn't bother me, I have a disability which I also told him about and the same he didn't view me any different and over the course of our relationship so far has taken on the role as my carer which I'm eternally grateful for.
He's also taken on responsibility of my children who are adults now 20 and 18 and also my 2 grandchildren which he's doing amazing at.
The reason for my question is I'm trying to gain understanding of how Asperger's affects people navigating a long term relationship, because also over the course of our relationship he's changed towards me in the way he acts with me. In the beginning he was over the top with compliments towards me and his feelings towards me and physical intimacy or affection didn't show up as an issue with him he would do it, but as we have been together longer and longer this has come up as an issue with him and it has started to affect me as I feel distanced from him. He's also said recently he doesn't give compliments as I should know how he feels about me so only believes he should have to say it once for me to know (different from the beginning). The same seems to be with saying he loves me. He does say it but only as a response to me saying it first. And I should know he loves me.
Physical intimacy and touch appears to be an issue but iv only been made aware of this recently when I noticed a severe decline in his partaking of this.
I'm just confused as if I try and have a conversation with him he takes offence and puts a wall up when all I'm trying to do is understand things from his point of view not criticise him.
I do know he loves me that's not something I'm questioning it's just me trying to gain better understanding and in my head deal with how differently things are in a neuro diverse relationship as iv never been in one before. And if people could give me there experience on compromising with aspects of their relationship to ensure everyone feels comfortable.
It sounds like there are loads of good things about your relationship, and if this is issue for you you are of course right to try to talk to him about it. It must be very hard to be met with a ‘wall’ from him when you try to discuss this.
Communication is so important in relationships - it’s a shame he seems defensive when you raise this subject. I’m not really sure how you can resolve this without him being willing to truly listen to how your feel. Maybe the best way to address this is to find ways to reassure him that there is no criticism on any level in such a conversation - and reassure him that you are not judging him but just trying to make your relationship even happier. Do you know why he might be defensive? Could it be to previous relationships he’s had - either romantic or with friends and family? He needs to know that he can trust you and that anything you do or say regarding him is meant with love. Relationships do evolve over time and it’s not uncommon for things to become a little less passionate and romantic over time. Life can get in the way of romance sometimes can’t it? Perhaps you could also look at this from your angle to - for example: doesn’t it actually matter if you say “I love you” first - and then he says it back. If you truly know - deep inside - that he really does love you then can you be content with him not saying it so often? Can you meet him half way with this in some way?I hope you can find a way to feel happier about this because it sounds like your relationship is well worth investing in and continuing. Good luck!