Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone.
So sorry for the long post!! I hope it makes sense.
I'm here for a little bit of advice.
Iv been with my fiancé for 18 months we've been engaged for nearly a year. And have plans for our future together.
I love him with all my heart and he's my world. And deep down I know he feels the same way about me.
He told me straight away that he has Asperger's and that didn't bother me in the slightest, my job was supporting people and I had a small amount of knowledge prior of this so when he told me it didn't bother me, I have a disability which I also told him about and the same he didn't view me any different and over the course of our relationship so far has taken on the role as my carer which I'm eternally grateful for.
He's also taken on responsibility of my children who are adults now 20 and 18 and also my 2 grandchildren which he's doing amazing at.
The reason for my question is I'm trying to gain understanding of how Asperger's affects people navigating a long term relationship, because also over the course of our relationship he's changed towards me in the way he acts with me. In the beginning he was over the top with compliments towards me and his feelings towards me and physical intimacy or affection didn't show up as an issue with him he would do it, but as we have been together longer and longer this has come up as an issue with him and it has started to affect me as I feel distanced from him. He's also said recently he doesn't give compliments as I should know how he feels about me so only believes he should have to say it once for me to know (different from the beginning). The same seems to be with saying he loves me. He does say it but only as a response to me saying it first. And I should know he loves me.
Physical intimacy and touch appears to be an issue but iv only been made aware of this recently when I noticed a severe decline in his partaking of this.
I'm just confused as if I try and have a conversation with him he takes offence and puts a wall up when all I'm trying to do is understand things from his point of view not criticise him.
I do know he loves me that's not something I'm questioning it's just me trying to gain better understanding and in my head deal with how differently things are in a neuro diverse relationship as iv never been in one before. And if people could give me there experience on compromising with aspects of their relationship to ensure everyone feels comfortable.
Crazydoglady24 said:The reason for my question is I'm trying to gain understanding of how Asperger's affects people navigating a long term relationship, because also over the course of our relationship he's changed towards me in the way he acts with me
Hi and welcome to the community.
I'm really sorry to hear of your struggles.
It sounds like you might both benefit from couples therapy or counselling with an ASD-experienced professional. Is this something that you think he might be open to?
You might be able to find someone suitable in the NAS Autism Services Directory. Other options include searching via the BACP or Psychology Today websites. I haven't also linked to them, as posting too many links at once can cause posts to get quarantined for moderator approval.
I'll also suggest the following book, perhaps to read before and/or alongside therapy / counselling. It aims to help autistic / neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises for you both to do and discuss.
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner - Paperback - 3 May 2012 - by Cindy Ariel
(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now diagnosed as Autism Spectrum Disorder).
Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the gender pronouns around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can become confusing at times and I find it very frustrating, as I keep needing to check / remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the trouble is worth the effort, I feel.
The NAS also has some related advice here:
Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people